SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello to all SI'rs,
I hope that you are all well and doing your best to have personal peace.
I think that this is the first time that I'm starting a post. WH and I are approaching three years in this journey of healing the wounds caused by this terrible situation.
In general, we are doing well. I still wake up in the morning from a nightmare or think, first thing in the morning, about something related to the affair, the AP or WH. Unfortunately, there are many times that my day starts like this. My husband is there, comforting, open, although sometimes he asks me not to start our day like this and to make an effort to keep it for a time that we have more time to discuss. Anyway, the truth is that I have explained to him and I think he understands, that it is not something I choose to do on purpose. A tragic and unfair situation was imposed on me and I am doing the best I can. However, we now talk openly about everything and that is why I think I have set my insurmountable limit: one more lie and we are done.
Today, in fact, I woke up with this thought: I saw myself living the hypothetical scenario in which I learn about one more lie. I thought about something as simple as that he had bought her flowers and he lied to me about that, even though I asked repeatedly. So I put myself in an imaginary scene where the AP comes to me and says "oh, and then, there was that time that he bought me flowers"….and I really saw that I don’t have it in me to continue……
So this is the limit I have set (I’m not even discussing the possibility of a new infidelity). Of course, I’m not referring to things that I didn’t want to ask wh (I tried to be careful about that), but about the things that I asked him and got an answer to.

Many times, even from the beginning of this shitshow, I thought about how unfair it is to subject someone to this thing…. To commit to be open to everything, mobile phones, emails, account passwords…. First of all, I considered it (and still do) unfair for me, as a person, to stoop this low. This is how I felt about these kinds of situations. Little did I know…. My partner dragged me into this subpar situation without my choice, and from that moment on he was forced to live in a relationship that everything was constantly under a magnifying glass. I did this for about a year, and he was completely cooperative . But I stopped it because it is not me. I can’t, I don’t want to do this anymore…enough. WH is not a child and he is certainly not stupid. If he wants to behave again like a stupid person, it is his problem. And he will have to apologize to those who will care enough to hear (if something new happens, I personally don’t feel that I will care anymore, but our kids…that’ s another story, but I won’t care about that either…I will know that I did my best).

I am very sorry for all of us who experience infidelity. I am also very sorry for the state of many relationships before infidelity. Like mine. Quite honestly, we were not ok. The element that exists in a romantic relationship was completely missing. But, on the other hand, the truth is that you never get back the trust that "if things are bad between us, he'll come and tell me, but he definitely won't fuck someone else." That's obviously long gone.

I don't know if it was naive of me to have blind trust. I also know that my husband didn't trust me blindly. He had told me so before all this, and he told me so after all this. Even that, could have been one of the reasons for him to cheat. Insecurities along with an inner certainty that...you can't be certain about anyone (and thus justifying your behavior) ...may lead to that.

My biggest fear?
Right now it's not loneliness. But because I'm afraid of all those clichés like "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time", and because there's clearly some truth to all of them, I'm afraid of this happening again in 10 years...and then what? What will my chances be for companionship...? Will I be afraid of loneliness then? And then , will I cross again my unsurmountable limit that I mentioned above ? (Let’s not forget that cheating was definitely one of those limits in the first place)

My biggest fear comes up when I see people struggling with awful thoughts, images, and feelings years later. This!!! This is what I'm afraid of! I don't want to look back and say why? Why did I do this to myself. I don’t want to feel like this anymore…I want to be able, in one or two years from now, to wake up and go to bed without thinking about it, worrying about it, or whatever…..

Of course, the answer, at least a large part of it, is that, at this moment, I feel that my husband and I, are definitely not together conventionally. It feels like something new and, after a much needed personal healing period of almost 3 years, I just begin to set my minimum requirements for us to be together in the long run, that surprisingly align with his requirements. Funny thing is, and sad at the same time, that our relationship was more conventional before.

So….I don't know….. Is this the path to reconciliation? Do I want to call it reconciliation? I don’t even want to call it like that. There is nothing to reconcile. I am totally transformed by this experience and so is he, and we continue to tranform…. I feel like I am a new person that somehow knows this person’s past and although finds his deeds awful during that time period, chooses to give him a chance, to date him, because we are more compatible than what I ever thought or FELT before …..
I don’t have any great wisdom to share. Just know that I am thankful for all you SI’ers… Be patient. Be strong.

What a poignant post.

Overall I think what you wrote is a good depiction of what the middle parts of healing look like. It’s not the constant terrible pain of the early days, yet not the end result where more peace over the decision to stay prevails.

And I agree, lying after infidelity is not tolerated in our marriage either. To come so far in our work, that would be a marker of disregarding it. If we can’t have a marriage where we are completely open with each other, I do not want it.

Thank you for posting. I resonate with with everything you wrote. I'm past the initial soul crushing stage and in this plateaued healing stage...wondering if I'll ever feel like my "normal" me again.

You hit the nail on the head too about lying. If my WH lies to me again about anything big or small, I am done. I've made peace with that. If he were to lie again, after all the hard work we've done to try and repair things, then he is not someone worthy of being with me.

Dear hiking out,
I think you were one of the first people that I saw writing about this… the one more lie thing… and it is so true for me too… I mean I am giving my all here. And there’s got to be an end. Plus, equally important is the fact that I don’t ever want to be blindsided again. I don’t want a complete stranger to know something more about my reality than me!!!

New normal,
I think I felt this plateau in my emotions for a relatively short time. I sometimes believe that I experienced it all at once in the early days after DD , since I felt completely void of any sentiment for my husband because of his limerence, fog, infatuation, whatever. He managed to really make me feel tired and bored… everything sounded so childish after a certain point….

Another lie is my limit, too. I'd give my W a pass, though, if she came to me and convincingly said something like, I know I've said ____, but I just realized a different side of the issue.

IOW, there's a difference between a lie and a mistake. It's easy to forget something that is trivial to you but very important to your partner.

In my experience, 3 years wasn't enough for R to succeed. It took me another 6-12 months to decide I knew enough to declare victory. R takes a lot of work, and that translates to a lot of time. R requires a lot of healing AND building a new relationship. The SI rule of thumb is 2-5 years for recovery - that's 2-5 years to heal.

I don't know your future, but I think you're on track for R. There's still more work to be done - more healing for you, for one thing - but you seem to be doing it.

Thank you for that sissoon… this timeline seems so logical now that we came this far because hey! Even me ,as a bs I get that I still have lots of work to do. Usually we are talking here about the wh’s required work but the bs has to do some work too. And it’s a lot, and as time goes by I find things that I need to explore. All in all, I feel that I am becoming more truthful to myself.

Yes, it is a long road……with no map or gps! Your update was a hopeful one and I’m happy to see you doing well overall.

I am also in the one more lie and I’m gone camp. It’s a sad footnote to my commitment to my marriage now, because I know I can’t stay with him if he tests me again. I should have left a few lies ago, but I hadn’t found my footing yet. I’m strong enough now to know how to walk away from trouble, and I won’t suffer further disrespect the minute I encounter it. I found some of my original bad ass hiding in the shadows, and I was afraid I’d lost her.

My H wants to proceed as if this never happened, to ride off into the sunset together and not mention his little mistake. But I am transformed, and our relationship will never be the same, so I think we are both here for whatever comes next. My H swears he is here for the duration, no matter what, but I’m not sure that has been tested yet. I’m just beginning to see my life more pragmatically and without romance or wishful thinking. So far what is left is good enough to keep trying, but I am not the sweet, kind and giving person I once was. I’m weary with battle scars, and can be pretty testy. He is having to adjust to that, and I remind him that this is not who I was or who I chose to be, but what this experience has left me with. I don’t judge myself and he better not dare.

I still struggle with the late night and early morning sadness that comes from the echoes of all my heartache and all my unanswered questions. I do worry that when I eventually get to a place where nothing hurts anymore it will be from falling out of love, not growing callouses over the hurts or from true healing. I try not to think too far ahead anymore, it’s easier for me that way. Some days it is easier than others to see and appreciate the good that keeps us together, and not dwell on all that fell apart.

As to your hypothetical, I got my last little batch of "one more lies" three years ago from the AP. Small things, like meeting my dog, visiting our office when I was not around, etc… plus an extra year and a few more fun trips added to the A list. I had not yet reached my break point with the lies yet, but those truths and his response led me to my current conviction. I realized that lying about his A was his go to coping strategy and his logic for why the lies was as twisted as his logic for cheating. Some things he did not remember, some he did not want me to know because he knew I would be furious because he had already adamantly lied about those things, some he told just to stop the inquisition. I told him all along that the truth would set us both free, that he couldn’t be forgiven until he came clean. What he did was come clean about a little I didn’t know and hide the underground part of the A during my discovery because he knew that was unforgivable and he thought he could get away with it. I got enough truth to make me think I had it all. So much wishful, magical thinking. I don’t know if he lies about other things in our life, and I haven’t found proof of anything, but I have had to accept that he will never be able to be honest about his affair or his secret desires and has to be viewed with caution moving forward. I don’t have any blind or basic trust to give him now. He knows he blew up the trust between us and I know it is hard for him to accept that he can’t fix it now. I really hope your story is different than mine and you never have to be tested with another lie. I hope I’m done with them too.

Like you and your H, we are also quite compatible, and do a lot together as a team, and it complicates the relationship thing further, for me. We laugh a lot, share the workload and look out for each other. It is more a friendship, business and practical partnership than a loving marriage, and I know he very much wants the loving marriage part back. We act the part well, and I do try, but I just can’t feel the same about him or about us. And if any of those gushy love brain chemicals get loose, if I get a whiff of those old feelings of love I used to get whenever we were close, I get upset because I don’t trust those feelings anymore, and my vulnerability scares me. But like you, I sometimes see him as a guy I’m dating, hanging out with and getting to know more than my H of almost 40 years. It’s strange the games my brain plays to make things make sense.

I’m also amazed how much work the BS has to do to heal, to overcome, to get better, to retrain our brains and rebuild our lives. I’m tired of working on me, tired of reading about it, tired of looking to therapy for answers. I may be in another lull, and it seems like healing comes in fits and starts with lots of looping back. I’m trying to skip the loops and make room for other things to manifest. I am not getting any younger!

Good luck to you on your healing journey. I hope you find the years you are spending now worth it down the road. I will say that 7 years downstream from that first DDay, I don’t regret any of the life we have built since. We have accomplished so much moving homes, building a new business, finding new adventures with our grown kids, I wouldn’t wish any of that away. It helps me with all the other regrets or unmet wishes this path has brought me.

Best to you in the days ahead.

it seems like healing comes in fits and starts with lots of looping back.

That's my experience, too. I think of healing as a spiral - I don't have to do the same healing again and again. Issues come up again and again, but I see them from different POVs.