SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We are three and a half years post Dday and it has been very difficult to talk about and understand the root causes of why all of this happened. My wife is a rug sweeper when it comes to something as serious as infidelity. After Dday she basically shuts down for an hour or two after discussing it. I need to be able to talk to her from time to time about this as I get stuck moving forward. She is apparently caught up in a tremendous amount of shame and guilt over her choices in our marriage. She has told me that the mere thought of talking about her infidelity makes her ill but she has said that she understands that we need to talk about it to continue to move forward. I have learned a lot about my wife since Dday and now believe she is a conflict avoidant person. She wants to sweep all the negative stuff in her life under a rug and move on. She did this before infidelity, during infidelity and now as we recover from infidelity. I am very tactful on my wording when we do talk about it and don't point fingers at her in blame but frame it out like it's what I need to move forward. Other than Dday in which I was devastated and extremely sad, I have been very calm talking to her about it. Just reaching out for a little advice on how to break through with her. I fully understand that we are doing this the hard way without counseling, especially with the length of her LTA. I fully appreciate each and everyone's responses to the many issues I have had through this journey.

Thanks,

Lost1313

You have shown immense grace through reconciliation considering the nature of her long-term affair. In in my assessment, after a long-term affair as described in your bio, the amount of grace shown is not something a high percentage of people would not extend. Please don't forget that your partner is incredibly fortunate to have a spouse willing to even embark on this journey.

However, and I offer this as gently and supportively as I can, it appears you may be coddling her, unintentionally hindering the deep healing necessary for both of you. You've endured profound betrayal over many years. With this in mind, any meaningful discussion about the affair—which is absolutely vital for true reconciliation—requires her to face full accountability. When she expresses that discussing it "makes her sick," I urge you to recall the sheer agony and disorientation you experienced upon discovery. Is her discomfort truly worse than the pain she inflicted? This is not about retribution, but about acknowledging the profound imbalance that exists.

I understand that you don't want to hurt her further. Yet, your needs are paramount in this matter. If prioritizing your healing and requiring her to face uncomfortable truths feels difficult, remind yourself of the long period during which she prioritized her own desires at your expense. Your emotional well-being must now be the unwavering focus.

From everything I have read and observed in affair recovery, across countless resources and personal accounts, genuine reconciliation has not truly begun if the affair has not been discussed in comprehensive detail. After three and a half years, it's time to unequivocally put your needs first and demand the transparency and deep engagement you require to heal. This is not just about moving past the infidelity; it's about building a new, honest foundation for your future, one where you feel truly safe and seen.

I'm finding a theme as of late here on this forum, find your anger people! You were betrayed for most of your relationship. You are allowed to feel angry. You are suppose to feel angry. Use it to demand what you need. You state you don't point fingers at her in blame... maybe you should?

Also note I think you truly should have considered divorce, many reconciling bs's here emphasize how vital this is. Perhaps that element is too little too late.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 7:31 PM, Monday, July 14th]

I’m going to come off as a bit of a witch here, but honestly she doesn’t deserve to be "protected from discussing her own poor choices".

She needs to put YOU first and be open and honest and quite frankly face the music. Answer the questions even if it’s 10 or 100 times you asked. She owes you that much.

My H’s first Dday announcement and subsequent "I want a D" I was just like you. Oohh poor baby is unhappy what can I do to fix it? Ooohh don’t rock the boat because he’s so unhappy he will go running to her. Oohh poor him he’s so miserable he cheated.

I was continuing to be a doormat and he expected it.

Dday2 was a different story. I snapped. Had enough. Was bold enough to plan to D, kick him to the curb AND do the very hard 180.

Only reason we reconciled is b/c my change forced him to change if he wanted to stay married. If I ask a question and you (as a cheater) decide not to answer, there is the door. Excuse my language but that crap no longer flies.

You are letting your wife control you and your marriage. I don’t care how much it hurts her— she must answer your questions or you will never heal.

Ask me how I know. My H refused to discuss his first affair. (Arrogance not shame). Made it easier for him to cheat a second time around.

The1stWife

Dead on Target post

We throw around words like ‘family of origin" to try to understand where the ws come from. We use "boundaries" . Here are the words you need to accept. She has poor morals. She cheated and cheated and cheated and you are still tip toeing around her behavior. Since you mentioned your faith I will suggest you read what Jesus did in the Temple because of the low morals of those within. You have to face your truth or you will be here for a very long time.

I will back off to ask these questions. When was the last time you were truly happy? Do you want to still be treading water in another year? How about five…or ten?

Coming from a stranger angry on your behalf, I send you a hug, or if you prefer, a pat on the back. You need some joy in your life.

...believe she is a conflict avoidant person.

She wants to sweep all the negative stuff in her life under a rug and move on.

It's certainly not easy to reconcile a conflict while avoiding conflict.

I have a tendency to avoid conflict. I've spent most of my life building walls. After d-day, those walls came crashing down and those tendencies to avoid conflict simply vanished. Oh, yes. I bared my soul and absofuckinglutely relished conflict.

Now, had I been the wayward spouse...

One thing that I've learned about myself since then is that the conflicts I avoided most were (are, it's always a work-in-progress) within myself. That seems to be quite common. People who avoid conflict first and foremost avoid the conflicts within themselves.

Before your WW can reconcile with you, she's going to have to reconcile with herself, which is damned near impossible to do while avoiding...

Brother, I've seen this pattern often enough to truly emphasize with those who bang their heads and their hearts against some mad-bugger's wall.

I would highly recommend making IC for your WW a condition of reconciliation. I once gave my WW (now ex-wife) a simple choice: make an appointment with an IC or a divorce lawyer. I did so on advice from SI members (betrayed and wayward). Of course, this requires you being open to divorce. Bluffing won't work as she mught call it.

Peace

I will tell you what I have said to others (even though 1st wife said it pretty much):

Tough titty.

Here is how I would reframe it if I were you.

1. It’s an immense gift you give to try and reconcile after being betrayed. Not everyone deserves that gift.

2. People do not grow on comfort. I am a big believer that even when bad things happen in our lives I like the phrase "life is happening for you not to you." it’s because even in the suckiest of circumstances there is an opportunity to grow. And so, if you let her continue to dictate the rug sweeping she is missing out on the self awareness she needs to become more than she is now. It doesn’t matter if it hurts her stomach, she needs to find ways to cope with her feelings and become a real wife to you. A real wife knows what it means to live someone, to share internal worlds with her partner. To make ammends and to understand the things that aren’t working and to create new paths.

I know how hard it’s been to push through my own avoidance, but I also know that led me down different paths I would not have gone on had that not been my goal. There are opportunities for her to learn to have true peace, and you can’t have that by avoiding the hard stuff, you get it because you have learned how to walk through the hard stuff.

I agree with Unhinged, and I'll add: In addition to making IC a condition of R, my reco is to require your W to make 'change from cheater to good partner' one of her IC goals.

*****

There is a lot of conflict in M. There is a lot of conflict in R. Conflict is the way issues get resolved, so it's necessary to accept it. If you resolve issues well together, R and M are possible. If you don't resolve issues well and don't/can't learn to do so, the relationship probably should end.

It's possible that you actually deal with a lot of conflicts even now. Every decision is a potential conflict. Do you agree on what food to eat? Recreation? What item to buy? When to do something? Restaurants? Books? Sex? Chores?

But the fact is: conflict is all around us - and if one resolves the small ones, one has the ability to resolve the big ones, if only by going in separate directions.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:03 PM, Tuesday, July 15th]