July 9th marked our 20th wedding anniversary. Weekly, while attending church, I often reflect on how I am at the "scene of the crime".
We never should have married but I am at peace with my choices and my love for him and hard fight for us.
Today, July 14th, marks our 16th anti-versary (of the first of too many DDs).
WH has lived his life the way he wants, when he wants, and no matter the cost. I'm exhausted, and finally ready to move forward with a calm, straightforward divorce conversation.
This past Friday, he was aware I was on my way to a fundraiser for our daughter's dance team. It was a mom margarita night, something I would never typically attend, but I wanted to support our daughter.
He asked me to sit next to him and scratch his back, which I did. He began to talk to me (he typically avoids me and I avoid him).
I listened. He spoke for nearly 4 hours. The conversation was about his work but centered on the people at his work, many of whom belong to the LGTBQIA+ community.
He particularly spoke about this man he works with who is married to a man but insists he isn't gay. I asked how he does identify and he said as Bi. WH went on to exalt the great situation this man is in because gay man are more open to sharing and his work friend has sex with any woman he would like to while being able to hang out with his best friend at home all of the time which is great!
Long story short, and lots of detail later, it seemed to me he was trying to tell me that he (WH) is not a straight man. Then the puzzle pieces starting fitting together----his disdain for me and running to his male friend's home 50 miles away for days/weeks at a time. Perhaps he wasn't lying and was with him? Perhaps it is a same sex affair?
But then why so much interest in sex with me for the last 26 years? and then and then and then.
I spent the night reading about closeted Gay or Bi men married to women and their behaviors and they all fit WH.
Saturday Morning----exhausted and emotional, I prepared to spend the day with DS13 at a baseball tournament. WH asked me if I was OK and I said, it sounded like you were trying to tell me something last night. He laughed, and said, "you think I am gay"?
He has now increased the attention on me and attempts to have sex even more often----
and, none of this matters!!!!!!
WH has been angry, mean, unpredictable and all around impossible to communicate with for several years now. I thought it was his combat PTSD, then his childhood abuse was uncovered and I thought it was that, then I thought he was a sex addict, then I thought I had to help him because I love him and in sickness and in health, right?????
I am the one who matters here.
Over the past 3 years particularly, since he announced to me he will never share a bed with me again, doesn't love me and never has and wants a divorce because I am disgusting----he has since tripled down on the mean, gained over 100 pounds, and come and gone as he has pleased. I don't have any meaningful relationship with him---he did bring me red roses on our anniversary which hasn't happened in years--I think he is deeply confused about something---his words and actions are super confusing in all ways.
It's July 14th and I want to re claim this date. I no longer want an anti-versary. I want a plan. I have focused on him and why he doesn't make me feel loved for so long now, I don't know who I am anymore. I wish I had been relieved when I accidentally found evidence of the affair with my friend on July 14, 2009. I wish I had grabbed our beautiful 2 year old son and 1 year old daughter and run fast away from this person.
He wants to be who he is, someone who has sex with everyone he can, whenever he can, and has no obligation or responsibility. Who am I to stand in his way?
Thank you for letting me vent here. I have spent several years immune to his attempts to hurt me, but I am super emotional lately (likely perimenopause or whatever). Releasing this stuff on SI allows me to finish my work day without tears, and I am grateful.
