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I am at a complete loss as to what to do.

My 12 year old daughter has shared that my mother in law has been making hurtful comments about me, and prying for information when she goes to visit.

She is our youngest, and very evidently grandmas favourite 🙄She said that when they go and visit (approx 5 times a year), and they go and walk the dogs together on their own, MIL starts asking her questions about our eldest daughters issues (Autism and Hypermobility), citing her opinion that shes lazy and there's nothing wrong with her. She has also told my daughter that it's not fair on her, as it seems our eldest gets all of the attention. How on earth she thinks she knows anything about what goes on under our roof is beyond me, as my husband doesn't share anything with her anymore (because of ridiculous comments such as the above). Why on earth someone would try and put that thought into their grandchilds head just beggars belief.

My daughter has also said that she speaks about me as if I'm angry, overprotective, too strict and "mental"!

1. She has been asking questions such as "is mummy still being angry", or words to that effect, my daughter can't recall exactly the wording.

2. She has told my daughter that she thinks WH is wrongly "protecting" me. I can only assume she means regarding the affair. Just wow 😞

3. She has shared some weird story with our daughter that neither myself or my husband can even remember, when apparently our eldest was little and MIL brought her some shoes and I said she can't wear those type because of her Hypermobility. This could have happened, because she did need to wear specific footwear, but neither of us can remember. Regardless, she shared this with her and told her "but don't tell mummy and daddy I told you".

I'm gobsmacked. Last year there was an incident (I wrote a thread about it), where she again thought it was OK to pry for information from my daughter, and then shared it with WH but put her own spin on it. My daughter overheard this and was really upset because it wasn't what she said. Since that incident I have cut MIL out completely, but still encouraged a relationship with her grandchildren. WH had an argument with her about it and told her under no circumstances was she ever to do anything like that again and never ask them to keep secrets from us!

I am so incredibly hurt. Her son has treated me dispicably, and quite frankly if it weren't for me, he would be living in his car. I have been nothing but a great wife to her son - she should be ashamed of what he has done to our family. Prior to the affair, we had what I thought, was a good relationship. Although she constantly ignored our parenting boundaries (please not that many sweets, please stop trying to potty train her as she isn't ready, don't tell her "big girls don't cry" crying is normal. Etc)

And I'm a damn great mother too. I devote all of my love, energy and attention on my daughter's. I have fought endlessly for their needs. I put them first. And yes, I am overprotective of them. I will worry about them until the day I die, just like most parents. We have only ever been told what amazing, level headed, polite, caring girls we have and my husband will always say (for all of his faults) that they are a credit to me as I have done majority of the patenting since day dot.

My poor daughter has been really affected by this. I asked her how she feels when grandma says these things about me and she said she feels worried and confused and she doesn't like it 😔 She feels deeply uncomfortable when she is prying for information about our lives or her sister, fearing she will say the wrong thing and she will twist her words, like she did before.

I personally do not want them ever going again. I feel like she is trying to subtly alienate my daughter from me. Our mother / daughter relationship is integral to her wellbeing as she grows older and I don't want anyone threatening that bond between us. The issue is, is that my daughter does enjoy going. She says it feels like a little holiday and she also gets to see her cousin. And I don't want my daughter to consciously / subconsciously blame me for her not going anymore

Where do we go from here? ☹️

Edited to add - our daughter has requested we not share this with MIL, so we can't even discuss it with her, and I'm not prepared to breach her trust. She's seemingly had enough of that from her grandmother.

[This message edited by WhiskeyBlues at 10:50 PM, Tuesday, July 15th]

These are just thoughts b/c obviously this is so confusing and complex I wouldn’t presume to offer a real solution, but…

1. It sounds like you really are a great mother (from your post its obvious..kind, thoughtful, involved, you have boundaries, you seek balance,and all the rest) so your kids are blessed and that is what is going to determine their emotional wellbeing more than anything
2. Kids only half listen to what their grandparents say anyway and from 12 on up it will become less and less

3. When I was in somewhat similar situation with my truly intolerable FIL I eventually started just saying straight to his face or via text or whatever what I honestly thought. I found it very helpful and liberating. After I told him directly (not through my people pleasing spouse) that I thought something was inappropriate or rude or whatever I would even find myself less angry at him. At this point he is in his mid-80s and it has come full circle and I am helping care for him somewhat. He treats me with kid gloves now because he learned I will call him out. Now he’s just a sad old man who will die in the next year or two. I wish I had not wasted mental energy on him.

Beat the unholy shit out of her!

If that doesn't work (probably won't and not really a good idea anyway) then you're left with a good long talk. If that fails then dump it all on your husband, he ought to be the one dealing with his own mother.

Stone wall. Your daughter has something important to do on the days she would be visiting your MIL. Then do something all day to cover yourself. Do it every time. If, and when, your daughter feels comfortable going again then agree.
You can explain boundaries to her and that is why she is uncomfortable when your MIL steps over them. Tell her the best answer she can give is, "I don’t know." It might be too hard for her to say this but if she wants to she can say, "Please don’t talk about my mom. I love her."

I had two grandmothers. One I loved being around and the other made me uncomfortable. Guess which one I chose. I got pretty good at avoiding the other one.

How about having a chat with your daughter reiterating that you and her are a team. Her well being is your responsibility and your priority. Grandma is family but not a part of her
primary family unit. Let her know how you would want her to respond when grandma makes negative comments, " I love my mom and don’t want to hear anything negative about her. I am here to spend time with you so let’s keep it positive. " .

Use this as an opportunity for your daughter to learn how to be firm and set boundaries without being confrontational.

Thank you so much for the replies. Stillconfused2022, that really does mean a lot and I truly appreciate you saying that.

The problem is that neither one of us can address this with MIL and we promised our daughter and can't go against her wishes.

We've asked her whether she would feel comfortable pushing back a little if grandma does this again and she immediately said she doesn't feel able to or comfortable doing that. To add a bit of context, our daughter was recently referred to paediatrics to investigate these dizzy spells she was having as they thought she may be having absence seizures. The doctor could find nothing medically wrong with her but felt she was experiencing derealisation symptoms, and indicated this is usually caused by stress / trauma. This has come as a real blow as it has become very clear that this has been caused by the affair and it's aftermath. I am devastated and feel immense guilt and shame for being so entangled in my own trauma since dday 😖 One positive outcome is that WH and I have agreed there is to be no more arguing in the house and that the environment needs to be as calm as possible for her, and we have since stuck by that. The issue is that I feel that MIL's prying and disparagement of me, is triggering our daughter - she's explain that it makes her go "dizzy". She really does not need the extra stress or pressure.

As to how much she actually listens to grandma... Well I don't believe she does too much - but then again, she is vulnerable at the moment and I am terrified at the long term impact her words are going to have on her. I asked our daughter whether she trusts me and she said she doesn't trust anyone, not since what grandma did. That has really, really worried me and cut deep. I believe she will need some counselling in the near future 😞 God, I feel terrible, I can't stop crying.

I don't mind her seeing her grandma, because she does love her. But I would rather WH take them round more for visits, rather then the girls having sleepovers and being alone with her. My WH said he is worried that a) our daughter will feel guilty and regret telling us if they no longer go for sleepovers or b) she will resent us for not letting them stay. Both valid concerns.

Ugh, I feel so lost and have no idea what is for the best.

This is a truly awful thought, and I worry it may cause you more distress, but it's a genuine contemplation I've had.

I remember your previous thread about your husband recording your arguments, and it stuck with me. It sounded to me then that he might be doing so in order to portray you as abusive, should you divorce. Now, with how your mother-in-law is reportedly trying to manipulate your daughter's perception, it's starting to paint a concerning picture.

I could be wrong, as this is purely speculative, but is it possible he's getting his ducks in a row to initiate a divorce and is gathering evidence to try and give himself the best shot at custody?

Your husbands supposed pushing back against MIL could be purely performative so you don't click on to what he's planning.

My apologies if this is nonsense; it's purely a worry of mine.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 10:03 AM, Wednesday, July 16th]

Drsoolers, I can completely understand why that would be a worry of yours, I'm comfortable that that isn't the case.

Whilst I'm admittedly stung by what I feel has been a lack of outrage from him on my behalf, he is as gutted and confused at her actions as I am on behalf of our daughter.

I have discussed with him that some of the things he has said to his mum throughout our marriage, during the affair and after dday has contributed towards this situation.

Before the affair and as the girls were growing up, we were pro-rearfacing car seats. I'm in the UK and generally children forward face from 12 months or earlier. Whereas when it was time for our girls to move from their baby carrier, after extensive research we decided to keep them in the rearfacing car seats for as long as possible, like they do in other European counties. It is 5 times safer for children in the event of a car accident. Anyway, WH use to light heartedly poke fun at me to his family about this, even though he agreed with me! Obviously back in MILS day, her kids didn't even wear seat belts and nothing bad ever happened to them 🙄 This has sort of paved the way for other forms of poking fun at me for my "overprotective parenting". For example when the girls were younger, I took issue with the fact that she one time had no clue where they were and they escaped from her house - they were really tiny at the time. I used to worry when they were toddlers at their house because she used to leave upstairs windows wide open and she wouldn't keep an eye on them and I was scared as at that age they had no sense of danger (especially our youngest) and could have just climbed and fallen out. I've worried about their dog - he is not stable, and has bitten strangers before! Yet we've gone round before and the girls have just been in the living room alone with him. These were all concerns WH had too but I feel he sort of made me the butt of the joke and I made out to be a problem 😔 Oh, years ago, MIL went round telling people I had been "institutionalised"!!! What is the actual truth is that I had an eating disorder in my teens. And I recovered. No hospital, no "institutions" nothing. WH got quite cross at her and couldn't believe she had been telling people that!!! I don't know what is wrong with her, but she loves to gossip about people, no matter whether it's accurate or who it hurts.

Then obviously we have the affair. WH did actively paint a picture to his parents that I was the problem. He needed space from me because I kept accusing him of things and was essentially nuts. I even received texts from his dad suggesting I seek mental health support! After dday WH did obviously correct his parents that it was all lies, he was having an affair. But neither of them really seemed to care much.

Since dday, WH has TT'd me to death. Unfortunaly up until last year, WH was on occasion, acting like a victim of my constant questions (and of course preaching his honesty). So his mummy dearest was of the opinion that I need to just "let it go".

This all lead to the events last year whereby she was questioning my daughter and then incorrectly relayed the info to my WH. Daughter overheard this and was really upset/hurt/angry/betrayed. She was essentially trying to make out that she said she was glad daddy is staying at grandma's house so he is safe from mean old mummy shouting at him. Anyway, WH called her out on this big time, told her that it could have destroyed our attempts to repair our family unit, that she should never be prying for information from her and that she is never to do that again. This is when MIL said I need to just get over it and he told her I have every right to ask these questions and know what has happened in my marriage, he's the asshole that has been lying. She then insisted that he shouldn't be "protecting" me. So since then, I've had nothing to do with her, I just can't. WH does not share anything about our life with her anymore. MIL sent me the odd message initially saying she loves me - which is laughable, especially after hearing what she has been saying to our daughter. I again just feel so betrayed. It's starting to feel like I have a target on my head, I feel like no one in the world genuinely cares about me apart from my girls - but I'm their protector, theyre not mine.

This is all just awful and my heart breaks for our daughter and how much she has been affected by this 😣

As for that recording - I do think it was due to him trying to protect himself in some odd way incase anyone heard me scream. But as it was only a minute long I think he quickly realised it would achieve nothing. This does not make it any better though.

Where we stand now is that I have very little romantic feelings left for him. I don't respect him. We are both very much at rock bottom. I've told him I give up and that I will not be lifting a finger anymore in R - any improvements in our marriage or my feelings for him has to come solely from him and his actions, not his words. I'm journalling my feelings to try and assess whether there is any improvement over time as to how I feel. He seems pretty intent on saying he is going to do everything in his power to be a better man - but time and actions will tell. I have a plan in place and ready to leave if it doesn't happen.

I'm glad to hear you're confident it was a manipulation tactic on his part. That would indeed be truly evil.

You obviously know far more about your situation than I ever could, but if I'm being entirely honest, after reading your story, I'm not sure why you're staying at this point. I understand the desire to keep the family unit together, if that's a factor. However, I'm UK-based too, and it feels like half of my friends growing up came from divorced homes. While UK divorce rates stand at around 42 percent, it seems even more common amongst my generation and younger, with older demographics pushing that overall statistic up.

I hope you find peace either way.

Perhaps family therapy. Since the affair is known having a safe place to air out fears and anger might be beneficial. Tread lightly though because there is already so much damage. What you want is a child who enters puberty without the unresolved rage that causes teenagers to act out. As a social worker I routinely see this if the child can’t get to a safe place emotionally before the first hormone hits.
Your h needs to have a therapist to get him out from under whatever his mother dumped on him as a child. Her behavior did not just start. She has been this way his whole life and he needs new coping skills. His overall behavior is his childishness which makes me wonder at his maturity level.
All of this has been dumped on you. It might mean having friends do sleepovers at your house instead of hers. If that would work it might begin to separate your daughter from her grandmother. Your poor child has taken on the role of peacekeeper in the family. This is too much for a child. Please use a professional that your family physician or a friend knows and trusts recommends. You can’t do this heavy lifting by yourself.

I am so sorry to read this.

Having a very similar experience with my MIL (she disliked me about 6 months into our dating relationship) it’s very difficult to know what to do.

My H chose to cut off his mother because of her behavior. He had no choice. She refused to speak to me so it became a very easy decision.

I suggest you do the same. At this point no contact is the only option. You have tried to maintain a relationship w/ her but she’s causing damage to your child.

And protecting your child is your first priority.