SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In my case it happened before social media was a thing and we were all connected via the internet. We also not married (fortunately) though heading that way. And in the conservative times of the past in that country not living together. I just got lucky that someone found out and helped me escape a potential hell.

But I always wondered in later years that if people were together how would one get the time to sneak away? In my line of work if I started slipping away for longer lunches I’d probably get fired for lack of productivity. When kids came around in life I’d think the same. Parenting is hard, how can one be away for hours.

And in light of recent events, slip away to a Cold Play concert without your partner knowing, how does that work.

So yeah, where do they get the time?

Work is the most common excuse for adults - a late night for an invented deadline. A work-related trip somewhere. Dropping off a coworker whose car broke down.

My WS's affair started during the pandemic shutdown. He was meeting one-on-one with his direct reports at parks or outside the office. She reported to him, so it made sense that he would meet with her. They also met up on weekends when he was out for a bike ride and she was out for a swim, or when they went grocery shopping. An hour here or there isn't that hard to steal.

They steal time with lies.

While exwh was (insert sordid out of state hotel weekend scenario), he was supposedly taking care of his sick mother. When he was (insert various sordid clandestine internet activities), he was supposedly doing things that needed to be taken care of for our well being like getting the oil changed. Apparently he couldn’t wait for me to go to the grocery store so he could have cyber sex.
Tip of the iceberg but…
Embarasingly, it took me way too long to figure out what was actually going on.

My WH met up with OW at his hotel when he was on a work trip at her site. They were planning to meet again when I found out.

A couple of years of an emotional affair as she worked at a facility on the opposite coast and was a student of his in a corporate class that was a 5-week course over a period of several months, then follow-up meetings about twice a year with the group.

Professional emails turned into personal banter then all the emotional affair bullsh*t online until they met up (BTW, OW husband also worked for the same company, sometimes with my WH ). OW husband found out about the emotional affair, confronted both of them, they promised him it was over, six weeks later she was in my WH bed at his hotel.

In my case, he wasn't taking time away from the family although in his position, if OW worked at his location, he could have easily said he'd be late bc of a work meeting or a sport he was involved in at the time.

He worked more predictable hours M-F. I worked retail part-time various times of day. I kept my schedule written on a pad sitting on the ottoman in our family room. I get my schedule 3 weeks in advance. Couldn't make for more perfect planning on his part. I haven't thought for a long time about how it stuck in my craw that while I was making like $12 an hour as a cashier (13 years ago), he was paying "escorts" $200 for an hour of their time.

There were times that I was at home, however, that I realized later. I thought of a couple of times when he went "to the lab for his bloodwork" but was dressed a little better than I thought the lab deserved, and wore cologne although most medical places specifically are scent-free. I just thought he was tone deaf to that issue because I'm that stupid, apparently.

The excuse that takes the cake, however, is that he was going back to our home town (45 minutes away) to visit his mom in the hospital (and later the nursing home) with dementia. I really hope that one catches up to him on judgement day.

Sack of sorry

I am so sorry that financial infidelity was part of the picture for you too. Come to think of it, exwh was likely financially unfaithful while I was working to keep us afloat too. So adding diverting money as well as time.

Several years out I can clearly see that cheaters can divert a lot of resources from their marriages to their flings and proclivities.

My fww had all kinds of time.
She worked at a restaurant supply store. She'd go in early to open up and stay late to help close.
We were in a bit of of a financial bind so the extra hours really helped. And since I was working a day job and a part-time night job, having her A was easy.

I gave my WW all the time she needed on a silver platter. Boys were at school, and I'm a workaholic. Let's not forget 100% blind trust.

I remember one of the first emails I found when I just started to realize something was amiss. I can only describe it as excitement in her response that I probably wouldn't even realize that she was gone(even had an exclamation point in that sentence). I guess I couldn't make it any easier than that.

All of my xfwh affairs were with coworkers. Early on it was just car hookups or maybe behind his closed door as well.

The year before dday I was traveling for work. A lot. So the last one he brought to our dream home one time.

And it was basically under duress and he was extremely uncomfortable/scared that she would leave something behind-which she did twice in his vehicle-to get him caught.

So like many others, I trusted him completely, we both worked long hours-so it was easy to do.

**dupe**

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 2:41 AM, Sunday, July 20th]

My WH is a self employed contractor by day and musician by night. He had nothing but time and opportunity.

But sadly, this is like anything else - anyone who wants to do something that badly will find a way.

I hate to admit that I inadvertently made it super easy for my wife to pursue her first affair: She enjoyed and abused my blind trust, my willingness to believe her when she insisted that she had to stay.beyond the end of her shift to help.out over staff shortages in the ER, her sad lamentation about having to go in to cover for sick staff on her day off, and everything from.accepting her word regarding where she was, shopping, dentist, doctor, car maintenance... I stupidly bought every lie and deception.. What a chump I was! So yes, like many other betrayed spouses, I was in my own dumb way complicit in her betrayal.of me. She had all the time she would ever need.

Like so many others, I completely trusted my wife. I missed many signs, and under appreciated the ones I noticed, like the odd letter that AP sent to our home or her putting her inheritance in an account in her name alone. The one that in hindsight still cuts is the time she sat me down at the kitchen table with a serious expression on her face and nervously asked if she could fly to the East Coast to see her ailing mother. I didn’t understand why she seemed afraid that I’d object. I insisted that she must go and that she should go regularly. I loved my in-laws plus I always felt responsible that my military career had disrupted her family and professional life, so I had her max out her IRAs and 401ks and bank the rest of her salary in her retirement account. We lived off of my salary. So, the trips to see Mom were paid out of our family account. When I encouraged her to take this trip a smile briefly appeared on her face before she got serious again and cast her eyes down toward the table. I now realize that that was no demure smile. It was a smirk. She had put one over on me. She did briefly see Mom, but the real purpose of the trip was to visit with AP. I got to read about this when on Dday I stumbled on her writings on our computer.

My H had all the time in the world. He traveled extensively as a part of his career. He was usually home weekends but traveling M-F.

I never suspected him of cheating in those trips but always knew he could have and gotten away with it.

His last affair was right here in our city.

He would sit in the driveway on his phone and I was thinking he was on a work call. Nope! He was talking to the OW.

After dday2 when I planned to D him is when he started making changes. If he had a client dinner he was gone by 9 pm. No after dinner drinks or bars. He would opt out of most dinners if possible.

He no longer travels as much but I think if there’s a Will there’s a way. Out of sight and anything could happen. But he knows if I find out there are no more chances or conversations or anything. It’s over.