SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well this is my story. My wife cheated on me while I’m recovering from Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer. It came to light due to her having to resign from her job before she would’ve got fired after her employer investigated it. The infidelity took place over 3 to 4 month time period or at least that’s what she said. She works in a job where she’s in a "position of trust" which mean she violated that due to who she cheated on me with.

I use to work in her same profession years ago and still know a lot of people around there. When I came down with cancer it changed my world and I was in a fight for my life, she said she understood why I couldn’t do somethings we use to or at least we would have to wait while I recovered.

My first feelings after it happened was disappointment, betrayal, sadness, embarrassment and anger.

I feel what she did was diabolical on so many levels. She currently in therapy and seeking help. I feel based off what she’s telling the therapists, they would be led to believe her act was because she had to endure my cancer diagnoses , and stress from her job.

I feel no one besides her job is holding her accountable for what she did. Thank god I was already financially stable before having cancer and can maintain everything without her working but it scares me that she would do such a selfish act while I have cancer and she was the only one working, which under different circumstances could’ve buried us financially.

I told her now I don’t trust her not one bit. I’m 51 and she’s 52 but cheated on me with a 19yr old in a correctional facility who’s incarcerated on assault charges.

When I asked her why? Mainly why him? She said he showed her attention. I couldn’t process it. Like if you knew my wife especially when she is at that job, she’s the co-worker that most don’t like because she’s strictly by the book. That’s why for her to get compromised at work by a convict is mind blowing.

The shock is still so traumatic to me. Everyone at her job that got in touch with me said leave/divorce her ASAP.

I talked to her family and I hate when they say " Well I’m not trying to take sides" there’s no sides to take. That assumes that two people did something of equal or greater value, which I didn’t do nothing. I feel by them saying that, they just took a side.

Now she’s at home with me everyday, and all this keep running through my head. I told her now she will have a misdemeanor on her record for the rest of her natural life, at 52yrs old.

Her family I feel is not giving her true, hard facts. They’re giving her "feeling good" support instead of realistic support.

I feel the betrayal is like an onion with so many layers that all need to be pealed back and exposed before true remorse and accountability can be achieved.

I don’t know what my future may bring and if she will be in it.

[This message edited by ConcernedOne74 at 6:33 PM, Thursday, May 7th]

I see what is going on.

Is not your fault and this is all on her.

Your description checks few well known character traits that hide deep character flaws very often.

The most important thing is:

Put yourself first, you and your healing (speaking of the betrayal trauma now) comes before anything.

Read the hard 180 and keep sharing here.

It is usually a bad idea to share with the family of the cheater as you will add insult to injury.

This is a place where you will find people that can hear you and understand you.

You have been heard, and this is very important.

Keep sharing and don’t keep your emotions compressed.

The abuse you just suffered is extremely traumatic and you are already fighting a hard fight.

By the way, how are you doing with the cancer treatment?

I seem to understand that at the moment seems under control.

Hoping at least there is that bright side.

We are here for you.

You have been heard

Ps
By the way while is good your wife is seeking therapy, I spot a giant red flag 🚩 in what you wrote:

If the therapist is really blame shifting her betrayal to your cancer and stress being the cause….

Fuck this therapist, she should fire him immediately.
Your wife needs a therapist that can point her flaws and help them to understand, acknowledge and accept the consequences of what she choose to do.

Infidelity doesn’t happen, is always a choice.

And its consequences are a nuclear bomb for both you and her, she will just suffer the fallout later.

Plenty of idiot apologists among the therapists for this stuff, she needs healing and guidance not a positive reinforcement for her flaws.

And it’s in her best interest, wether she knows it or not.

You heal you.
She heals herself.

Fire that moron

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 7:24 PM, Thursday, May 7th]

Thanks for your response. I’m currently in remission and doing good on maintenance meds to keep it contained.

Very good 👍

Now let’s take care of your trauma so it doesn’t become ptsd.

Others will answer you.

Remember to fire that idiot therapist and get for your wife one competent in helping cheaters to understand and heal from infidelity

I’m sorry all of this happened to you ConcernedOne. I’m glad to hear your cancer is in remission!

How long has it been since D-Day?

Make sure to take care of yourself first and foremost. I’m sure your Doctors are all over that, but eating right and staying hydrated have double importance for you. In addition to the 180 that BFTS mentioned, you should be seeing a therapist as well, one who specializes in betrayal trauma, to help you process all of this.

You guys both need to get tested for STDs.

Do you have the full story? It’s noteworthy that all her co-workers are telling you to run. Do they know something you don’t? Was this not her first time?

You mention she’ll have a misdemeanor on her record - does that mean she was arrested? If not, does she still face charges? I could be wrong, but I always thought a CO having sex with an inmate is typically statutory rape, which is a felony.

It’s ridiculous of her and her therapists to believe that she cheated "because she had to endure my cancer diagnoses , and stress from her job." Those aren’t reasons for cheating, those are just things that were happening in her life at the time she chose to cheat. That is a perfect example of confusing correlation with causation. If that’s what those people think, BFTS is 100% right, she needs smarter therapists.

Brother, hats off fighting pancreatic cancer into remission. You have already been given good advice, so I won’t repeat what others have said. You posted: When I asked her why? Mainly why him? She said he showed her attention. I couldn’t process it. Like if you knew my wife especially when she is at that job, she’s the co-worker that most don’t like because she’s strictly by the book. That’s why for her to get compromised at work by a convict is mind blowing. I may have some expertise here. I used to be legal counsel to a state Dept of Corrections. One of the most common forms of misconduct for female correctional officers at youth prisons was having sexual relations with the young male inmates. I am not in any way excusing this. In fact, I was always on the other side. But it was well known that these young criminals were spending a lot of their time figuring ways to gain an advantage over the female staff. They also spent a lot of time lifting weights and getting buff. They worked with what they had, youth, physique, and charm. Very typically the trap was set by telling the middle-aged female how lonely and scared they were and how the female reminded them of a favorite aunt, a sister, girlfriend, or even their mother. If the female softened to them, they would start flattering them and begging for a touch, a hug, a kiss. If they got a touch they would keep upping the ante until they had sex. The female staff was snowed and would forget her training because thus guy was so sincere and just so sweet, not to mention young and muscular. These guys are master manipulators who learn how to pick out the most susceptible guards, and if they lack these skills there are tutors in every cell block who mentor the newcomers in how to play older female staff. The objective is not so much the sex, it is to blackmail the officer into smuggling contraband like drugs and cell phones. Our staff was routinely warned about this gambit, but it kept happening. When you have lots of time on your hands and an utter lack of conscience (see the definition for antisocial personality, aka most of the inmate population), correctional staff will keep being successfully targeted by these cons. Your wife knew better and knows she brought this on herself. But you asked, "Why this guy?" I hope this helps answer your question. Personally, I think the deeper question is what did she tell herself to make it ok to violate her vows to you and her integrity as a correctional officer?

Best wishes.

Ughhh your WW is into thug-luvin too, even more gross. Friend, you are still young I say you are right not to trust her moving forward. If you D you can have a happy life....

What your wife did is no slap-on-the-wrist misdemeanor. She’s guilty of murder. Your marriage relationship is dead and she’s got the smoking gun in her hand. You understandably haven’t come to fully understand that yet. If you desperately want to reconcile, which my friend you should take a VERY long time to decide before you commit to that, you still need to start by understanding she killed the marriage relationship. It MAY be possible to build a new one, but you need to start by fully seeing where you two currently sit.

Exposing to her family is GOOD, but, as you’ve seen, blood is thicker than water 99% of the time. If you’re dead set on sticking with her, know with certainty if she doesn’t experience many natural consequences of her actions, and doesn’t FULLY own 100% of what she did was ENTIRELY her choice and had ZERO to do with you, then you are 100% destined for eternal limbo status AT BEST. Trust me on this: you don’t want that.

Keep posting.

Notsogreat:

These guys are master manipulators

Yes they are. But I hope you’re not subtly saying OP’s adulterous wife was a victim here? She’s a grown-ass woman fully capable of dismissing the unwanted advances of other men. She’s no damsel-in-distress.

I'm from a non-English speaking country. My English teacher was interested with me when I was 16 (she was around 30). Later I found out from older friends that she did that before and dumped her former husband for one of them. She later married one of her former pupils, I think she was with him when I was at school. I gave her a very cold shoulder and she hated me afterwards. Gave me an equivalent of C lol. If I had a smartphone back then, she would get at least fired and loose the rights to teach.

Anyway, people doing such shit have huge problems and you can't solve them for your wife. Do you feel that she is crawling on broken glass and doing anything to fix herself?

ETA: I will add that it is not morally okay to have a fling with even a legal, but unmature person if you are much older. It shapes unequal expectations that cannot be fulfilled in later life.

[This message edited by Itiswhatitis000 at 1:37 AM, Saturday, May 9th]

Does she plan to look for a new job?

If not, how will you be assured this situation won’t repeat itself?

Two near-cliches in your story.
Note – not suggesting the story is a cliché or fabricated, but rather two behaviors your wife shows.

It’s frighteningly common that a spouse looks outside the marriage during crisis. We have seen several instances here where infidelity is discovered when a child is seriously ill, a loved one battling an illness and so on. I don’t know what makes this happen – maybe an escape or a way out. But I’m fairly certain a therapist will have heard of these situations and might better understand the underlying issues.
There is also a statistical increase in divorce for example with parents with a long-term ill child… Completely opposite to what I would expect.

Then there is the cliché of the female prison-guard falling for the inmate.
Can also be seen in the women who write letters to death-row inmates and even marry them.

Again – something I don’t understand but a therapist might have read some Freudian analysis that maybe her overpowering dad caused all this…

Friend – first of all: With that on her record she’s not going to be working in THAT field again. She can even thank her lucky stars if she get’s away without a formal charge and/or legal repercussion. She needs to be finding a job in another area, and is there anything preventing her from doing so?

Second: Focus on your health. This is a terrible cancer, and you probably know your best-possible outcome prognosis. Focus on making that prognosis wrong – in a positive way. If she can contribute to that in any positive way, then great. If not… well…