SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

WB1340

Does it get easier overtime for BS?

i am a people pleaser always have been even BS would tell you this

It is extremely common, almost universal. WS have this trait, paired with (acknowledged or not) low self worth.

So when someone else, OM/OW sees this opening into you and works into becoming your AP, you are vulnerable to fall because you receive an additional validation soothing that unresolved issue.

To your mind might feel like being "double loved" in reality AP are usually predatory and they "get you" to feel better about themselves, because they get a new partner and they 'steal it' from another person (soothing their sense of inferiority). You are dehumanized, objectified to the AP desires, they do not really care about you, or would never put you through this (you will carry this to the grave, paid the betrayal with a piece of your soul)

and i try to see the positive and good in everyone and the last 12 months has been the hardest year by far for our family which effected not just the people i live with but also my biological family where at times we werent on talking terms or had very different opinions ( but this is not an excuse for what i have done) the only way I can describe it is i felt alone... I now know BS felt the exact same during this time too 😞

It feels different for a BS. The kind of wound is way worse than feeling alone.

Sure you feel alone, but is a kind of "lonliness" that feels like you are the last person on Earth. Or better yet, that you are cast away, banished from the rest of humanity. The world is happy and you are left in the abyss of oblivion and despair. For the most part you will feel like you will never be whole again, those who manage to heal will recover it in part.

That kind of "alone".

The best way to understand what the attachment wound of betrayal feels like imagine and say to yourself this:

I am not chosen. I am not enough. I am replaceable.

Is not just sadness, is abandonment. Your reality is shattered, gone. Not coming back.

Hard to describe but this is the feeling he is likely going through.

Our marriage is worth saving & I hope Bs feels this way too we both have a lot of love for each other and a deep connection even during this sh*t time

We are meant to be i feel and i hope bs does too

It is good you feel that way, it means you took your first real step towards your healing.

If he is still with you there is chance his love for you was strong enough to make him stay, or at least try (believe it, it's very hard. Staying after being cheated means he will keep the knife you planted in his heart and instead of thinking about his wound he will hold your hand and carry on your path together, even if he will never stop bleeding)

What you can do: you cannot do anything to heal your Husband. The wound is fatal, he might survive it (your marriage could) bu he must heal it alone. You can be present, but he needs to do the work alone.

And you can heal yourself. You can become a new person, is not a metaphor is literal, you will know when you will be able to look back and it will look impossible to you to even think or that you could ever do something like that.

Healing both is the first step, it will take time, a lot, but is worthy. If the marriage will survive then you may be both stronger (though it will never be back to normal, you will patch but the cracks will stay forever). If it does not, at least you have a future that will not relapse in betrayal. You will be split and live separate lives, but the new people you will meet will not have to live through this tragedy.

Of course, I wish you both to realize the dream of staying together, I just need to give you the full picture because the reality is, betrayal is the hardest thing to recover from, likely never fully.

It changed everything, the decision to cheat sacrificed your love, marriage, future and family on the altar of the Other Man.

Presence and self healing. Presence and understanding for your BS (at some point he might orient again towards you if he begins to rebuild trust) and healing for the WS are the key.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 3:22 PM, Tuesday, February 3rd]

BackfromtheStorm

I felt alone during the time of the A not sure if I made that clear

Bs was feeling the same too due to the family dramas

And putting it out there now I wasnt alone back thn during the A but I am now because of what ive done

My head flip flops between trying to remain Positive about R and being like sh*t I cant believe ive done this i need to make it right

But i dont want to scramble to salvage us i want it to be R and done in the right manner

BackfromtheStorm

I felt alone during the time of the A not sure if I made that clear

Bs was feeling the same too due to the family dramas

And putting it out there now I wasnt alone back thn during the A but I am now because of what ive done

My head flip flops between trying to remain Positive about R and being like sh*t I cant believe ive done this i need to make it right

But i dont want to scramble to salvage us i want it to be R and done in the right manner

I understood it.
I am trying to give you insight you will eventually find in therapy with time.

The alone feeling is a reflection of unresolved issues (the same BS feels, is not necessarily true they are alone, though betrayed partners are often left alone to face it, is a reflection of the trauma).

I believe you, and I believe it played a role in your falling into the affair trap.

You cannot make it right unfortunately, I trust both you and your husband would like to, but turning back time is impossible.

You can't change the past, but you can change your present and your future. There is where you have agency. Heal yourself, that is making it right.
That is also the best possible chance you have to a R.

The R with my woman failed because she never faced her issues, she is starting now after 18 years. We were 20 now we are 40.
And if it was not for my daughter I'd leave her on the spot.

My recommendation comes from the experience of a couple that made all the wrong choices after betrayal.
My wife cannot believe now of what she did, but is too late.

You are feeling this earlier, so it's not too late.
Sharing your feelings emotions and doubts here can help you to avoid misteps, there is no handbook, just trial and error on this topic.
I have a trilogy of errors that you can benefit from, not to be negative, but to highlight pitfalls and avoid landmines.

Good luck!

Does it get easier overtime for BS?

Easier? I don't know. Less painful eventually, but that grief from betrayal is always, always going to be there. It becomes a little easier to bear I suppose. I'm almost 10 months out from d day and it's still very painful. My wife isn't a typical WS. She's not a typical person in general. Our reconciliation is going about as well as one could hope for as far as her attitude, sincerity and remorse. She's doing everything she can to repair and rebuild, and I'm finding out that I'm quite resilient. It's still a rough road. I can see why the general rule of thumb is 2 to 5 years to recover from something like this, and that's if everything goes smoothly.

The first year is the shock stage where the BS is just simply processing and accepting it even happened. Then once the shock and adrenaline wear off, grief and anger kick in. Then there's another year or 2 of just processing those emotions. At any point during the process a BS might discover they're just not built to recover from it. Some people just can't. It's not right or wrong. It's just the way some people are at their core. These pages are filled with people 3, 5, 10, or even 20 years later who regret even trying to R and some end up divorcing. The BS just never got over it or the WS didn't earnestly put in the work.

These timelines I give are just general rules. They're hard not hard and fast. Some get over it sooner, and some take longer, but that time frame is pretty average. Again, that's if everything goes as smooth as possible. A lot of that depends also on how the WS handles R. Trickle truth, continued deception and secrecy, etc. can greatly lengthen the recovery stage or even flat out sabotage it.

You're both in for a long, bumpy ride. Like I said, most people greatly underestimate how devastating infidelity is. Especially WS'. It's real trauma, and PTSD is common. He's going to be hyper vigilant and on an emotional roller coaster for a while. Happy and content one minute and overwhelmed with grief and anger the next. There will be triggers everywhere. Places, words, TV shows, or songs can push him right over the edge. Anything that reminds him of your affair will be a trigger. My wife loves country music. You can just imagine how some of those song lyrics can be triggers.

[This message edited by Pogre at 6:13 PM, Tuesday, February 3rd]

I think most people have a natural reciprocal respect for each other's privacy.....until they don't. I would not normally look through my husband's phone because I'm not a naturally jealous or possessive person. I don't assume the worst. Maybe most BS don't and it might be why we get so hurt when we find about affairs. Because most of us don't actually think like this, I do think that BS and WS tend to be different types. I have never asked for permission to check his phone because privacy does not equal SECRECY and if someone has secrets that might affect my life....well, I want to know. I'm not even sure why I started checking his phone specifically years ago - I'm sure it's because of the online dating activity I found on the computer. So we had that out and have stayed together, largely because I'm not in a position to make another choice. But I also discovered his LDR/EA with his old girlfriend of many years ago and that's on the phone. I haven't looked at it in years, but I did recently - I think intuition has a lot to do with this, and sure enough there was the text trail and she sent him a nice gift for this Christmas - which he then proceeded to lie to me about - that really kind of shocked me. He could have just said that his friend blah blah sent him a gift, and I'd say oh how nice, but he lied so expertly, like one of Epstein's friends we keep finding out about. Oftentimes they lie when they don't have to. It's a big shot when you think you're married to someone so honest and you find out how well they lie.

Anyway, I'm babbling. I say if you have the urge to look at your spouse's phone, look at the phone. Something is telling you to do this. And no, you don't have to ask for permission or reveal what if anything you find. Keep it under your hat as the knowledge may be useful to you in some other way later. Secrecy is NOT privacy. If I didn't know about cheating, I would never look. And once I know about cheating, I'm GONNA look. And I'm not gonna ask for permission.

As for my phone....he can look at whatever, I don't care, there's nothing spicy on there.

As a BS, I go through waves of grief and then some weird kind of hope.

The grief is over the loss of the relationship I thought I was in. Turns out it wasn’t what I had thought. My mind struggles to find the truth of my life.

My husband decided that trickle truth was his defense. It dragged out our reconciliation more than a year longer than it had to be.

I grieve that he lied, and thought that he couldn’t even talk with me about the things he talked with his AP about.

Then I will swing into hope. It’s weird hope. I hope I can love him again like I used to. I hope he can maintain his changes. I hope that I can find a way to stop thinking about this every single day.

I hope we repair our relationship before we die (we’re old).

Every day, I have grief and I have hope. Flip a coin on what time each arrives, they take turns.

Yes, continue reading that book "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair". I want to say this kindly as possible, and maybe I am wrong....but the fact that you even have a question about your husband wanting to check you phone first thing in morning to me communicates you have not fully understood the devastation that your husband has experienced, and that to help the healing process, you essentially have to take a position of complete humility and accommodation of his triggers and requests to talk and requests for reassurance.

I am not saying you should be a doormat for abuse. He needs to calm the strong emotions which could push him towards abusive behavior.

He was hurt far worse than you yet understand.

Please learn to look outside yourself and enter into HIS experience. Empathy...very crucial. Two months is just the beginning....there is a long, long road to travel. But it can be be done, day by day, with God grace and help. 🙏

PP88,

I didn't really ask to dig further on your story, but do you guys have kids, shared home ownership, or interest in a shared business that is difficult to untangle?

If no, my advice to your BH would be to run and my advice to you is to let him go. This is a 2-5 year long haul in R that is extremely taxing emotionally. Both of you are probably looking at a more rapid healing time, and easier long term relationship issues with your next partners than attempting R.

If you have materially difficult reasons to split, R may be worth the effort. I just don't see it being worth it for love alone. I know others on this board disagree with me, but it's just my $0.02.