SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You've spent 6 years on this guy and only now are engaged. And you are looking at years of reconciliation before marriage?

Cut your losses. Run.

HUM1021,

Yeahhh.. I wish i could think more clearly. It is so hard to think about letting go of someone i love so much. I'm just gutted and need some time but deep down I do feel I will have a hard time getting past any of this and that i might just have to let it go. I wish it never came to this, our future just ripped away for something that meant nothing at all.

So you have personal insight into two marriages which went through infidelity. One healed and the other didn’t. You know reconciliation is possible and people can heal and move out of that awful space. But some don’t.

"I really do need to take it slow. I am starting to self-sabotage with my anger and taking it out on him and he's starting to get frustrated, rightfully so. He's still a person and I need to calm down and rage less. One day at a time, like you've said."

Ruminating over the details is normal, asking him the same questions over and over is normal too — it’s a desperate attempt to comprehend the reasons your life just exploded, to find your way through the chaos, an attempt to put the pieces together again in a way which makes sense.

And the anger and rage, especially the rage which erupts unexpected, that too is something many of us have gone through. Don’t feel ashamed or blame yourself for it. Sadly that too comes with this process. When you feel it coming on tell him it’s not a good time to talk. Resume when you’re steadier. All of this is a result of the shock and none of it is your fault.

I can only say this now but it took me a while to get to that point. My husband always complied when I told him I needed a few minutes because he … well it’s obvious why! I regret the rage because it wasn’t me and because it made me feel like I lost my dignity. What he did was making me into an awful person and I found myself resenting him for that too.

If your BF wants to get through this he needs to become familiar with what is happening with you internally. There are some good books out there written for the cheating partner which explain the stages you’re going through now, he should read them. I can’t remember the title, but my husband read one of them and it really helped him, which helped us both. I’m sure it’s on the list in The Healing Library on this site. He has zero right to be frustrated with you. You are wounded and he needs to put himself completely aside right now and take care of you.

This is the hardest time. I promise you your internal world and emotions will settle.

Elica,

He doesn't get frustrated when i ruminate or repeat questions, or if I wake him up at 5am to cry when I am having anxiety. His frustration only comes out when I say something particularly cruel. Overall i would say he is there for me when I am angry but of course draws a line if i take it too far. I am trying to be mindful because while i feel so dehumanized, there is no reason for me to lose my dignity (as you've mentioned). I do not want to be a spiteful, awful and vindictive person. I want to feel strength within myself, while feeling angry, but not stooping to a lower level than I am okay with.

He really is stepping up in more ways I could have imagined. There have been some setbacks during our conversations but I am feeling okay..? I don't know.

A couple hours ago we sat on the couch after telling his mom what he did. She was very objective with me, she didn't take sides, told me to follow my heart and dig deep within myself to make a decision I would be happy with by the end of my life. She didn't want me to go through with a relationship with this type of pain because she didn't want to see my life wasted. She remained hopeful for us but supportive of whatever decision I make and I really appreciated the love and kindness she showed.

Afterwards my fiance sat with me and he cried. He says he imagines me in a glass house, filled with fire and smoke, I'm sitting alone and crying and he's on the other side of the glass watching me but not able to help me, and he is the one who set that fire and the one hurting me. Tears streamed down his face as he's explaining what he sees every time he looks at me, saying that he hates what he did to me. It broke me further hearing this.

I am so gutted that this has been the outcome of our relationship. I see such a good person in him, a flawed one like the rest of us, a person who has hurt me more than anyone I know and it is so difficult to face. He starts therapy in 2 days and he says he is determined to face that part of himself to make sure he is dead and that it is the least he can do.

Therapy, time, patience, grace towards myself, and honesty is what will get me to a clear minded decision.

[This message edited by funnything at 4:04 AM, Wednesday, September 23rd]