SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Have you made an appointment to see an attorney?

Doing that is not a decision. It’s info gathering. It gives you CONFIDENCE that if you do choose to go that route, you’ll have a good picture of your financial future.

Regarding the fear of being alone, to put it bluntly, you’re female. You’ll only be alone if you choose to be. Considering what you have now, only a woman beater would be a downgrade. Anytime you make decisions based on fear, you’ll most likely come out for the worse. Well, unless a bear is chasing you. Then fear is an asset. You do what you feel is the right thing.

I haven't sought legal advice yet. Although I'm 3 months out from DD I've spiraled the last week, reconciliation was going ok before but it's like the reality of it all hot me at once.

Last night I was a complete mess and whilst I appreciate my WH finally being honest, I asked him if in plthe past 12 years he ever thought about her while he masturbated and he said he has but used the memory of the 2001 affair (pre our relationship) and hasn't done so for years now.

This devastated me as he said he had compartmentalised the affair and couldn't remember but now knowing he used the memory of their affair to wank suggests he never felt any guilt and remorse. He says it doesn't mean that at all. I told him it wasnt normal and he said it wasn't 'my Normal' then shouted 'youll put this on your fucking forum'. Is this normal? Can you show remorse and still use the images of the affair to jerk off?

I am so so down and I just want someone to hug me and he was giving me that comfort before but the last few days of seeing her old Facebook posts to me and rcognising the affair for what it is has caused me to spiral and I can't seek comfort from him anymore but feel like I can't cope without it 😭

[This message edited by Evio at 9:27 AM, Thursday, April 17th]

Evio ...virtual hug to you. My heart aches for you. What you are feeling is normal. Rather than write you a ton of information, just know you are special and cared about. I know you wanted to be special and cared about by your husband....and all though this information makes you feel you were not...you were. He had two things going on at once...he was compartmentalizing. But know the "other stuff" was A LIE.

I want to suggest you take some time and listen to this today. I trust it will open some understanding and help you.

I tried to post link but it is not allowed.

Please go to YouTube and type this...

"Understanding Grief After Discovery of Betryal, with Jake Porter"

I’m so sorry for you. I hate to see you getting knocked down again and again.

It is next to IMPOSSIBLE to know the OW was nothing more than a fantasy and the cheaters use the fantasy and affair as an escape from reality.

The OW was there. She was willing to be a side piece. She was willing to be used and tossed away. She has no morals or integrity.

Read here at SI the thread called "honey they always affair down".

Please do something nice for yourself today. 💕🌻☕️☕️

If there's one thing that breaks my heart to read on SI, it's when a BS beats themselves up for supposedly "ruining the reconciliation" by getting angry and asking questions that make their WS upset or uncomfortable. Please don't do this to yourself.

The reconciliation was not going well; in fact, it hasn't even started. Right after discovery, you were in shock and so you did the reflexive thing of turning to your spouse for comfort and reassurance, as we all do whenever a crisis happens. He was being a good sport and going along with it because he assumed that this would all blow over, like a car accident with no serious injuries.

Now it's only been 3 months and he's getting frustrated that things aren't "back to normal" yet.

I told him it wasnt normal and he said it wasn't 'my Normal' then shouted 'youll put this on your fucking forum'. Is this normal? Can you show remorse and still use the images of the affair to jerk off?

I think it's very fair to say that you and him do indeed have very different ideas of what's normal; for example, your normal doesn't include sleeping with your best friend's spouse and practically rubbing both your families' noses in it. He also seems more upset that you're angry at him and might talk about what he did on anonymous forum than he is about what he actually did.

A better question to ask is not whether he can show remorse and still jerk off to thoughts of his OW... it's whether a relationship with someone who thinks and behaves as he does is acceptable to you.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 5:06 PM, Thursday, April 17th]