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The more I learn about my husband's 2 year affair that happened 12 years ago, the more disgusted I am.

He had already had an affair with this woman in his past relationship which ended before we got together.

He then became godfather to her child.

He made her husband his best man.

Her ugly face is in all my wedding pictures.

Her name is mentioned in his wedding speech to me.

He then restarted the affair when I was pregnant with my third child.

He had sex with her around Christmas time whilst she was 5 months pregnant.

He continued to sext her then had sex against again when her baby was 2 months old.

He then continued to sext her whilst my little boys started school, dealt with special educational needs, health problems, I had multiple surgeries.

It only ended because SHE was renewing her wedding vows.

He then took me and the kids to a BBQ at her house and we sat on the couch he fucked her on.

He then took us to her vow renewal.

Her husband then found out but he never told me and just replied to her odd text and let her text me occasionally 'to keep his secret safe'

He never gave me the chance to get tested for diseases despite her being the barracks bike.

He swore multiple times on his children's life he hadn't cheated on me.

And today I look through my son's baby book and her name is even in there for giving him a gift when he was born.

He turned a special, innocent time in our lives into a sordid tainted nightmare.

The disrespect he has shown me and his children is immense.

If her husband hasn't had found out I have no doubt the affair would have restarted at some point and/or he would have let us carry on playing happy families with this whore and her family!

How do I forgive this?!

This is uttlery disgusting behavior and while you may eventually be able to forgive (for you) I don't see how you could stay in a marriage like this. I would trust a stranger more than this guy. Just me and my two cents.

For what it is worth, he is disgusted by his own behaviour, having counselling, doing everything right in reconciliation and swears he has changed and is not that man anymore and hasn't been for the last 12 years.

I just don't get the level of disrespect he exhibited. I feel he must be misogynistic to treat a woman saying badly. I really thought he was such a good guy and still do but I'm so disgusted, disappointed and shocked by what he has done and don't know if I'll ever look at him the same again 😔

How did you discover the affair?

Are you sure that you know the full extent of the affair?

Have her kids been paternity tested and proven not to be your husband's?

What you already know is bad enough, but I don't think you should move forward unless you're 99.9% confident that no additional bombs are going to drop on your head in the future.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 4:00 PM, Monday, April 14th]

I asked her husband if there was any chance they were my husband's kids but the AF and her now ex husband have both blocked me (despite the AP dropping the bombshell). So, yes I guess they could be but I will never know

If her kids ever get weirded out by how they might not resemble their father or decide to get a DNA test for fun (like 23andMe or Ancestry), then you might very well find out at some point down the line. Is that an uncertainty you think you can live with?

You might've missed this before I edited my post, but how did you find out the affair and are you sure you know the extent of it?

Their relationship seems very intense and they really went out of their way to enmesh their lives as much as they could short for being in an official relationship themselves. I can't even imagine the context in which he would mention her name in his wedding speech that wasn't deliberately intended to send her a message or make her an integral part of the moment.

Based on the little background you've provided, I could probably ask a billion questions... and you could ask a billion more.

She told me about the affair as her marriage has finally broken down -she had another affair - and she said her affair with my husband played a part in her marriage breakdown and he should 'pay the consequences'.

He says he was only with her because it was exciting and available.

She was mentioned in the speach he thanked her husband for being best man and his wife (AF)and kids

I think I probably have a different attitude than most people on here but personally, he's doing too little too late. He had his fun and now wants to settle down with his faithful, honest, dependable "wife". I think staying subconsciously enables him to do this in the future. A marriage is built on trust, that is the foundation, you do not have that an likely never will. To do what he did while you were pregnant and do what he did with the AF while she was pregnant is another level of absolute an utter disrespect towards you. If he is capable of such detached, sadistic behavior for that period of time I don't feel there is anything he can do to become a trustworthy and truly loving person. You deserve better.

I've read through a lot of stories on here and I feel such extreme behaviors by WS, at the very minimum, require extreme reconcilliation attempts. The reconcilliation attempt has to mirror (at the very least) the affair behvaior. That is the only time I would even give a WS a chance at a chance... I'm sorry but, he's disgusted? he should be.. and? got into some counseling? good for him but not good enough. He could have done that a long time ago, he should've felt disgusted a long time ago, embarrassed, ashamed etc. but now, convienently he is all the sudden feeling like this.

I will give you one example of what I mean by extreme reconcilliation and again this is just me. Lets say you file for divorce immediately, you HARD 180, maybe even pack your crap and move out. You do all this and he buckles down hard on counseling, the guy is there before the place opens sitting in the parking lot waiting for the place to open. He goes when he is sick, maybe even schedules therapy with multiple folks in an attempt at getting even a chance with you. Deletes everything from his phone (social media, blocks everyone etc) just to focus on you only. Tells you hey you can install pinwheel app and have full control of everything on my phone while I fix us. Meanwhile you come to him with divorce papers and he says I will give you everything, my 401k, the house, etc. and he will even sign it. His only ask would be that you give him a chance at the oppurtunity to prove himself all the while you are in contorl with these divorce papers that are one signature (yours) away from ending it all immediately. To me, that is putting your money where your mouth is. That is saying hey, I took everything from you and I am placing in your hands the power to take everything from me.. for just a chance and making us work. This scenario would be one example of what would make me think okay... this might be possible.

Right now, sounds like he feels sorry and says he will figure why he is the way he is. Simply not enough.

You write 'Not sure I can do this.' What 'this' are you thinking of?

In the discovery phase, it's best to make discovery and your healing the priorities. Give up trying to control the outcome. Konw that you can choose R or D or waiting to gather more info with your head held high.

Both R and D are about the future. My reco is to figure out what you want first. Then figure out what's feasible.

Sorry I went back and now I remember your thread about compartmentalization that you posted last month. If his explanation for the affair is true, then that's arguably worse than if he had deep feelings for her. It shows he has a limited capacity for empathy, is adept at manipulating and deceiving people, doesn't feel any emotional burden from lying to those closest to him, and doesn't have a problem with with using people for his own gratification.

My advice to you now is pretty much the same as it was then: (1) Get tested for STDs. (2) Consult with a lawyer so you at least know your options. (3) Tell him he has to come clean about the full extent of his relationship with the AP and tell you about any other women that he's fooled around with over the course of your relationship so you know exactly what you're forgiving (if you still choose to reconcile).

It's only been a few months since discovery, so he's still in damage control mode. If he shows a willingness to work on his issues and support you through the rebuilding process in the long-term, then you'll have reason to believe that he's remorseful. But if the 6-month mark since discovery rolls around (or sooner), and you start getting any variation of "Why aren't you over this yet?," that's a pretty good sign that he was playing you yet again.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 4:54 PM, Monday, April 14th]

Hey Evio,
The pain is at times unbearable Evio I know and everything you’ve written is absolutely soul destroying, I’m so sorry you have this to deal with.

The barracks bike was only used because it was available, not because it was anything special and my guess is that there’s other swaddles that also had access to the barracks bike.

12 years, 12 years is a long time Evio, she told you out of pure spite 12 years later, if her children were anything to do with your husband she would have relished in telling you, well IMO she would.

You are doing the same as me at the moment and making assumptions, it must be something we’ve got to process and I hate it. You are assuming that had she not renewed her vows it would never have stopped, the fact is Evio it DID stop!. It stopped 12 years ago and that is the truth. What if, if this, if that is not what happened, we should only be dealing with what actually happened and that is bad enough.

I don’t have any words to make it better but I am sending you a massive virtual hug, keep posting Evio.

We have done std tests and thankfully all clear.

He knows he used her and had little respect for her, her husband (his friend), me or the kids.

He keeps saying he is not that man anymore but it hurts so much to know that when I was at my most vulnerable he treated me so so badly.

I was ill for the final 6 months of the affair, had two surgeries and nurses came in daily to dress my wounds and even seeing me like this was not enough to make him stop or feel guilty 😢

Evio

You don’t have to forgive him. You can R and not forgive him. You can D and not forgive him. You can just remain married and not forgive him. Forgiving is NOT a requirement.

You can hate that he did this and never forgive it. That doesn’t mean you can’t go on and live the life you want.

Let go of the need to forgive. Maybe down the road— way way way down the road— you will think about forgiveness. Or maybe forgiveness will quietly sneak up on you. Or maybe not. Take that off the table for now. It’s just way too soon. When we say 2-5 years to heal, that is part of it.

You need to know everything you need to know, and then process it and then see long term change and consistency in your spouse before it could even be considered.

Just remove that pressure from yourself.

Barelybreathing...it's not just forgiveness I'm struggling with, it's being here with him, trying to 'get over it's. I am also trying to complete a PhD and I'm just being the worse mother in the world as I can only focus on surviving each day, I have no emotional reserves left to be the mum my kids deserve 😢

100% agree with BearlyBreathing.

In one of our first MC sessions after DDay, I told the MC that I had forgiven my H. MC bluntly said, "No, you haven't." It surprised me. I wanted an "atta girl" from the MC for being the bigger person.

What I've learned over the years, mostly from the folks here at SI, is that forgiveness isn't a requirement for healing. I no longer feel like I have to make nice with the things that I consider unforgiveable. I view those things like they're stashed away in a little lock box. I've examined them from every angle, and have experienced all the thoughts and feelings about them, and decided that the best way to handle them is to put them somewhere safe. You're in the examining stage, and it is likely long and definitely painful, especially when such cornerstone life events were tainted.

He swore multiple times on his children's life he hadn't cheated on me.

I asked my H to look me in the eye and swear he hadn't cheated, which he did multiple times over the years. I never asked hm to swear on anyone's life. I wonder what he would have done...

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 9:41 PM, Monday, April 14th]

I am also trying to complete a PhD and I'm just being the worse mother in the world as I can only focus on surviving each day, I have no emotional reserves left to be the mum my kids deserve

Time for H to step up and be the primary parent for a while. He put you in this situation, and he'd better help you through it. Just getting through the day is tough, much less parenting and working on your PhD. Please don't beat yourself up.

Courage, Evio. This is a hard time, and you will get through it one way or another (one day at a time). Try not to pressure yourself into how you think you "should" be feeling or acting. Honor your truths. And remember, you can quit anytime. Tomorrow. Six months from now. Six YEARS from now. There's no statue of limitations on wanting to divorce your WS. You can always change your mind if you decide you can't do R anymore.

Raising kids, doing a PhD, and dealing with infidelity is a lot! You're doing great if you haven't run away from it all. Can you be a little honest with your advisor and say that you need some time off to deal with personal/family issues? I had a book deadline during the multiple ddays of year 1, and I finally had to ask my publisher for more time because I just couldn't focus enough to write on many days. If your advisor is a decent person, they'll be understanding and cut you some slack.

I will also add that I'm 2.5 years out from dday1, and while I have forgiven WS for being a shitty person for a couple years, there are many specific things from his LTA that I cannot forgive and probably never will. I also decided after about 2 years that I really needed a break from R. It is exhausting, especially if you aren't getting what you need from him. You don't have to be active in R to remain married, cohabitating, and coparenting.

No thanks...a break from active reconciliation sounds good. I feel like the pain combined with the pressure to make the marriage work is overwhelming. My husband is being overtly loving and helpful and whilst I appreciate all the help and sort of feel loved, his words of 'you are my world', 'i adore you' and 'I love you so much' do not match the way he treated me and makes me wonder when he started feeling this way and when he decided I was worthy of respect - ironically when he used to swear on the kids life he had never cheated he also said 'you are the mother of my children, I respect you too much to cheat on you'. How do people lie so easily?

If we are not in active reconciliation does that mean we don't talk about the affair anymore or just the intimacy stops?

I'm also struggling with the fact he cheated with this AP in 2001 behind his girlfriend's back, again in 2003 behind his girlfriend's back, had another fling with a work colleague in 2004 behind the same girlfriend's back then got together with me in 2005...well kissed me on a night out (we were already friends) I told him I would not be another woman so he spilt with his girlfriend and we have been together ever since.

When we were dated and I found out he had had unprotected sex with AP 2 I was devastated and told him of the consequences of diseases/children etc and he was devastated and we had std checks. What I didn't know was he had also had unprotected sex with the original AP who was the barracks bike and his poor girlfriend at the time had no idea!

In between all of this he remains friends with the AP who I had no knowledge of their intimate background. He restarts the affair in 2010 while I'm pregnant and though there are only six periods of PIV during 2010-2011, I believe there would have been more had she given him the green light. When she finally ended it in 2012 he continued to text regularly as friends so he obviously felt no guilt about his behaviour at all!

Ironically he used to be so judgemental about other people who had affairs! I just feel like although he says he has changed, how do I know he wouldn't have jumped at the chance had she given him the green light again?!

Honestly, how can someone treat someone like this then say 'you are my world and always have been'?

In the strongest of words I’m going to suggest you really look at what a divorce would look like. You don’t tell your husband – only get some good advice so you would know what the process is and what the first couple of years after a divorce would be.
Not suggesting this to encourage you to divorce.
It’s just that having your options laid out in front of you empowers you a lot.

It’s like if you had cancer and could choose between two really tough treatments. You know no treatment would lead to your death, so you have to choose between the two. You would evaluate the success rate AND the side-effects, and eventually choose the one with the brighter future and the effects you trust yourself to deal with.

When you KNOW what D looks like you are in a better place to set the requirements to reconcile. You are in a better place to let him know that you too have options, and that if he were to select his option of cheating, you would be inclined to chose your option of accepting he’s not husband-material.
Having said that... without some intense IC and major changes, I think your husband is only some time away from a repeat affair.