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Hi SI, need some outside perspective on an argument I'm having with my partner. Admittedly, I approach thing more logically, and am generally more stoic, but I can be a bit myopic sometimes.

Briefly -- around bedtime last night, our block lost water. We live in a major city, so dozens (if not a hundred or more) people, plus some businesses and restaurants. Despite all the neighbors calling city agencies to report the issue, we all kept being told there was nothing we could do but file a complaint, there were no emergency services to send out.

Partner was already in bed, half asleep -- his work schedule has him going to bed and waking up a couple hours before the rest of the family. His advice was to just go to bed, water service would probably be working fine in the morning. He said he wasn't getting up, but we could go if we wanted to.

I was unsure, but said if the water still wasn't on in the morning, getting ready for camp and work was going to be a nightmare and I didn't want to gamble on it.

I called my family that lives 10 minutes away, they didn't have any water issues and said we were welcome to spend the night. We packed overnight bags, I kissed partner and said goodbye (he grunted but mostly stayed asleep), and we left.

I woke up to a barrage of angry texts, about how I don't trust him and I treat him like a child, and he was right because the water was on this morning and everything was fine, and I didn't need to panic and leave in the middle of the night (we left at 10:30pm, after roughly an hour and a half of no water, there was no panicking).

I think some of this may be tied into FOO/divorced parents/his dad cut contact for many years?

But honestly, I just feel exasperated. We've angrily been texting back and forth. He thinks I should apologize for not believing him when he was right about the water being back on by morning. I think that us leaving to have access to a working bathroom when he was already asleep and told me we could go if we wanted should be no big deal. He keeps texting back that I'm missing the big picture, and I keep texting back that it's ridiculous to get upset when he said we could go!

I'm trying to look at it from a different perspective and have some more empathy, but on the flip side -- this feels really, really ridiculous to me, and I kind of want to just be like, "Fucking chill out man!" Like maybe this is part of some bigger thing for you, but for me? I just wanted to use the toilet and brush my teeth before bed!

Hi ibonnie. Nice to "see" you again.

"Fucking chill out man!"

I think that would be totally appropriate.

Yeah, he was right. So what? I think it's odd that he's throwing a fit about it, although I'd be curious about why.

ETA: why are you angry?

[This message edited by Unhinged at 8:55 PM, Friday, August 7th]

I kind of agree with him that just going to bed was a valid option. There was nothing you could do to figure out when the water would be fixed, but generally these things take hours not days to fix. I might have suggested waking up a little early to see if it's still out. Maybe reaching out to family to coordinate ahead of time in case relocation was still necessary.

I woke up to a barrage of angry texts, about how I don't trust him and I treat him like a child, and he was right because the water was on this morning and everything was fine, and I didn't need to panic and leave in the middle of the night (we left at 10:30pm, after roughly an hour and a half of no water, there was no panicking).

This; however, isn't a good look. This isn't I told you so. This I was right and you were wrong and I must punish you for that. That attitude is awful. In the grand scheme of things what did your sleeping at your families house do to ruin his day? You wouldn't have done it if you weren't anxious about not having a bathroom. It allowed you to manage that angst. I understand he may have been half asleep when you left, but would he have been just as apologetic in the morning if he was wrong. It takes a lot of FOO to justify him needing to sustain that argument so vehemently.

Hi Unhinged! :)

Yeah, he was right. So what? I think it's odd that he's throwing a fit about it, although I'd be curious about why.

I went back and reread the messages from the morning -- it sounds like he was surprised to find us gone and found it upsetting the way I did it.

On the flip side -- I felt like I was being considerate because I didn't wake him up fully. We had discussed me going before he fell asleep, there was no water, I wanted to brush my teeth and use the toilet. I don't understand why I needed to be inconvenienced when I didn't have to??

ETA: why are you angry?

Not angry, I just feel like this situation is absurd, he's being ridiculous and I don't feel remotely sorry for anything. He said if we wanted to go, we could go and he made it clear that he had no desire to get out of bed and join us.

I kind of agree with him that just going to bed was a valid option.

In the grand scheme of things what did your sleeping at your families house do to ruin his day?

^^^This is what I'm stuck on.^^^
I wasn't ready to go to bed yet, and I wanted to use the bathroom before I went to bed, which I wasn't able to do at our apartment, but could easily do 10 minutes away at my family's place.

It takes a lot of FOO to justify him needing to sustain that argument so vehemently.

If you knew his FOO, you would understand the need to stubborn need to argue a point.

I usually just go with the flow for most things, but I'm prepared to die on this hill because I think he was being absurd and I am not going to apologize because he felt bad about something, which wasn't my intent.

I feel sorry that he obviously felt bad. I do not feel sorry for leaving to go use the bathroom, brush my teeth, and take a shower when I could easily do so!

So I'm curious... the title of the thread leads me to wonder whether you're asking us if *his* feelings were valid, or if *your* feelings were valid. (or both?)

Feelings are feelings; they're not facts; they're not right or wrong. You each have a right to feel how you did about the situation - you were anxious about what would happen if you woke up in the morning and the water was not on, so you made a Plan B. He was not concerned about this, so he had no anxiety until he woke up and found you gone. Something about your actions threatened him in some way, and it's probably about a lot more than your choosing to go to your family's home. Texting is not the way to resolve it because it's easy to say things to someone who's not standing right in front of you that you wouldn't say if they were.

If someone told me I was ridiculous because I was upset, I'd be furious! So you might need to own that one. It sounds like an inconvenient situation left you both in a vulnerable place (for different reasons) where feelings were heightened, and you each got defensive. It's understandable, but you both need to get to a place where you can be curious about the other person's feelings about what happened in the aftermath of the situation. Perhaps his FOO issues ARE what led to his anger, but regardless, his anger was a feeling, and feelings are feelings. Just as your feelings about how he reacted are just feelings.

All you can do is reflect on your feelings and try to imagine how you'd start a sentence with, "I felt _____ when we discovered the water outage, and this is how I needed to handle it for myself." AND "I felt _____ when you accused me of not trusting you and treating you like a child." All you can do is own your own feelings and hope the other partner can come to understand why you responded the way you did.

You both had a right to respond to the inconvenience as you did, but for some reason, it led to a hurtful experience for both of you, and now you're saying it's the hill you're prepared to die on. I have to wonder if this is more than a one-off experience or if it's a part of a broader picture with the two of you that you're preparing to die on this hill. Because someone who otherwise is respectful and communicative, but initiates an outburst such as his (starting with the morning texts), is worth exploring the situation with. But if this is his usual pattern, then you might need to consider why you're allowing someone to treat you this way and why you're allowing yourself to get caught up in his tirade via text messages.

I really hope for your sake that this is just a one-off situation, and that by now, you've had a chance to talk it out in person in a more calm state.