SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

April 17th was my D day. The day i wrote everything i had seen in 22 years of marriage and realized i was not crazy. I had not imagined things. She had had multiple affairs and sexual betrayals for our entire marriage. The first was just months after we said our vows with my best friend, on the couch while i dozed in our bedroom waiting for her to come back from "getting a drink of water" for 10 minutes.

so many discoveries.
1st year of marriage -

2 years into our marriage she planned a sex vacation where she spent 8 nights visiting her cousin and husband and doing threesomes with them every night.

and then there was her boss . i knew the first time they had sex because she came home guilty and fawning after a late night meeting.

each time she got better and better at hiding. deleting texts, etc. i dont think she stopped, she just got less sloppy.

A year ago i found mens underwear in her car. when i asked her whose it was she refused to answer and changed teh subject. twice.

now i am in so much pain. my initial feeling from the initial realization that i was not crazy was peace. i thought from that we could come to talk about it and heal after grieving together.

I spent a lot of time preparing a loving script to have this hard conversation. telling her nothing would ever change how much i loved her and how we needed to talk about our past and not hide from it.

She got into my computer and read it. she had answers for every question before i even finished the questions. she was gaslighting me, enraged and telling me i was delusional and i so desperately wanted to believe that i was wrong that somehow i had been mistaken. it was too surreal. how could she possibly do all these things. i crumbled. i told her i believed her and i did in the moment.

Since then ive come to realize that she gave herself away 5 times before she had finished talking. Even just the fact that she searched for my script titles "conversation with love" and used it as a weapon against me.

I'm in so much pain and i cant bear the fact that we might never talk about the truth. i have been living in a lie for 22 years while she has fucked and sucked her way through our marriage with other men.

i still love her unconditionally. there is nothing that can change that. but i want to know her. i want to grieve this together and try to rebuild something.

peaceandcalm,

based on everything you said, WHY would you want her back?

My heart breaks for you. Please, please don't let her get away with this any longer. There is something deeply troublesome in her that only she can address. She is not safe for you and I can't imagine she ever will be.

Please take care of yourself.

You posted here a couple of months ago, then just kind of dropped off of our grid. Did you address this with her like you'd planned? You had talked like you were ready to end things if it came down to it. Where's your head at now?

I agree with funnything. I know you love her, but love alone isn't enough. Especially if it's one-sided. I think you could do with some serious counseling to figure out why you let her do this to you. Someone with your capacity for love and compassion deserves so much better.

Most of us have been in your shoes to some degree. There's a good group of folks here who understand your pain. We hear you, man. You're being heard. Stick around and don't disappear on us. We actually do care and want the best for you.

That’s really difficult peaceandcalm.

In your first thread (https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums/?tid=667001), I was really concerned about you confronting her with very little evidence.

She did what one would expect of a cheater - she lied, gaslighted, the whole thing.

As I pointed out then, she’s been lying and gaslighting you for decades. She didn’t even answer your question about the underwear you found in the car!

I had suggested that hiring a PI would be a path. And that’s a way to catch what she’s doing now. But you’re right: you might never get the truth.

That sucks so much!! So many have trod that path. Dealing with people who will not, or frankly cannot, come clean. She’s one of them.

She’s still cheating with her boss, right? There are two moves that seem to work when there’s a live affair: exposure and leaving.

Exposure means exposing her affair to the Boss’s wife, her family, other important stakeholders. Maybe even HR. Leaving means leaving. Sometimes that snaps people out of their fantasy worlds and they fight hard to salvage their marriage. Sometimes they just leave. And sometimes, most cruelly of all, they just pretend to do that, but drive the A underground. I have your WW in that last group if I had to bet.

I’m so sorry for your pain.