Water Heater in- law family drama
Hello!
I posted awhile back about my MIL who had back surgery last August. She was in the hospital including in hospital rehab for over a month. She was discharged to a rehab facility and stayed there for 2 weeks. She was back at home in October. Before MIL could come home, Husband and his brother (BIL A) were getting the house ready. While there one day, BIL A heard water running and discovered that the water heater needed to be replaced. He bought a new one and my husband helped him replace it. They have another brother who is out of state (BIL B). BIL A sent a group message to my husband and BIL B asking his brothers to share the cost of replacing the water heater. MIL has been out of work for months and has no additional income to contribute. Both brothers send money to BIL A.
Fast forward, BIL A and my husband take turns spending the night and caring for MIL through the month of October. Come December, they start going through things to pack or donate as MIL cannot afford to stay in the house. Hours are spent going through things as MIL is a hoarder. We move MIL to an apartment in January. The house is finally empty in March and listed for sale. The sale is finalized by the end of March. BIL A and husband ask MIL to be reimbursed for all of their expenses during this time now that MIL has cash in the bank due to selling the house.
Last night, I received a text message from BIL B's wife (SIL). She wants to know if MIL paid us back of if BIL A paid us back the money for the water heater. MIL paid us back as the water heater was paid by the brothers, for the mother. BIL A had different expenses than my husband and we didn't know if BIL B wanted his portion back as that was his only contribution during this entire time.
SIL is insisting that BIL A is pocketing money from this. She told me to talk to an accountant because she is 200% right. Well, I don't have an accountant, so I thought I'd post here to see what you all have to say. 
She gave a made up example to explain how things happened so we use those fake numbers throughout the discussion. The water heater was actually less than $800.
SIL-
Right, but how this purchase works is that BIL A paid for the water heater. I don't remember the exact number. So, let's say 1,200 for the water heater. MIL pays BIL A 400, Husband 400, and BIL B 400. But BIL A only asks for his portion for MIL, and MIL pays Husband 400. But BIL A paid for the whole thing. We don't want any money from it, so BIL A profits 800. If MIL is giving Husband money and we said keep it, BIL A needs to give MIL 800. Does that make sense? Other wise BIL A is pocketing 800.
Because we all gave him the money not MIL
What BIL A needs to do is give MIL the full portion of money for the water heater minus his pay which she gives him the money.
Me-
Using your example:
BIL A, Husband, and BIL B all paid $400 towards the water heater. It was purchased and installed. No money left. BIL A asked for and received his $400 back from MIL. Husband also asked and received his $400. BIL B doesn't want his $400, so MIL keeps his portion.
SIL-
As of right now BIL A has our portion and Husband's
But MIL is out 800
Me-
Why would BIL A pay MIL for the water heater that he installed? BIL A only has what he paid. Not our shares.
SIL-
BIL A should give MIL the full amount of 1200 for the heater, then MIL needs to distribute the money that each child wants
Me-
Where is BIL A going to get $1200 when he spent it on the water heater?
SIL-
Right now BIL A is pocketing the money of our share that we want MIL to have.
From the payment of the three kids
What needed to happen is that MIL paid the full amount back to BIL A and A distribute the money back and we give MIL the money back to her for our gift to her retirement. This gets super messy.
Me-
So you want MIL to give BIL A BIL B's 1/3 so that you can give it back to MIL?
SIL-
We didn't give MIL the money we gave BIL A
Did MIL pay back BIL A the full amount of the water heater
Me-
No. Only his 3rd.
SIL-
Right, so MIL should of pay BIL A for Husband’s third and BIL A give Husband his money back. Because Husband did not give MIL money for the water heater.
Currently BIL A is pocketing Husband's portion and MIL is funding for Husband's portion.
BIL A needs to give MIL Husband’s portion because Husband gave BIL A money not MIL but MIL paid back Husband.
Me-
I don't understand why you think BIL A has extra money. BIL A can't give MIL Husband's portion because it was spent on the water heater and BIL A only got 1/3 of the money from MIL, not the full amount.
SIL-
The reality when is money being refunded it needs to be refunded by the person that money is given to in the first place.
Currently BIL A has an extra 400 dollars paid out from Husband that MIL paid out back to him.
SIL sent an image of a note typed up trying to explain herself and it doesn't make sense.
Me-
BIL A starts at -1200 paying for the water heater.
Gets 800 from Husband and BIL B. Still -400
MIL pays him 400. Equals 0
SIL-
Check your math it doesn't equal out since 1600 has been paid out
BIL B portion is zeroed out
Me-
$800 of the $1600 went to pay the water heater. The other $800 is MIL paying Husband and BIL A back.
SIL-
MIL paid BIL A 400 and paid Husband 400
But Husband paid BIL A 400
BIL A got paid an extra 400 for the water heater
Me-
The 400 that BIL A had from Husband went to pay for the heater
SIL-
Right but MIL shouldn't of paid Husband the 400 because BIL A got the money from Husband
BIL A should of refunded the money to Husband
SIL gives an example of Kohl's and Nordstrom which makes no sense. I don't bother responding to it.
SIL-
BIL A owes MIL Husband's 1/3 portion because she paid out Husband's 1/3 portion even though the water heater was paid for by BIL A.
Me-
MIL would have to pay BIL A the full amount in order for BIL A to pay Husband back his portion.
SIL-
No BIL A needs to give MIL Husband's portion because she gave Husband the moneys and Husband gave BIL A the money
Talk to an accountant
I'm 200 percent right
BIL A is screwing MIL over on money. I'm not saying he's doing it on purpose but uneducated
800 has been paid out from MIL, 800 has been paid out to BIL A that equals 1600 not 1200
400 of that money needs to be refunded to MIL
Me-
BIL A used the 800 to pay for the water heater. And MIL paid BIL A and Husband back for the water heater.
SIL-
Right, MIL paid 400 to BIL A 400 to Husband
That equals 800
But BIL A has received 800 from Husband and BIL B and paid 400 himself
Equals 1200
He received 400 from MIL for a refund
Which means he still has 800
BIL B doesn't want any money back
Me-
He spent 1200. And has received 1200.
SIL-
I'm not going to continue to argue BIL A has an extra 400 from Husband that MIL refunded but Husband gave BIL A the money. If you can't do the math I don't know how else to show you.
The boys should of just paid for it after what their parents have done for them
I stopped responding at this point and haven't heard anything since. At the start of the conversation, Husband called BIL B, but he didn't answer. BIL B called back and said he's at work. Still haven't heard anything else from him.
Will someone explain it to me? I don't know what else to say.
Edit- missed a name.
9 comments posted: Saturday, April 5th, 2025
Back surgery struggles
Hi. I've been going back and forth on posting for the past couple of months. Just when I think things are improving and decide not to post.... nope. Mostly looking for advice and support. There's a lot going on.
My mil (upper 60s) had back surgery August 6. Spinal fusion L3-L5 due to sciatica pain in her right leg. She tried shots and PT and neither helped. The severe pain began in May. She couldn't drive or work her regular duties. She did some sit down work when she was able to drive to work. On August 10, mil had a 2nd back surgery. There was a screw touching a nerve which was causing pain in the left leg and fluid build up on the spine. She was discharged on August 12. She fell getting to bed that night even with my bil there helping her. My bil wasn't able to get her up. Called an ambulance and they took her to ER. She also had complaints of nausea and some dizziness. Diagnosed with UTI. August 14 she had a 3rd back surgery due to a fractured S1 and fluid build up on the spine. No one knows how this happened. Due to the fall? During a prior surgery? She received a blood transfusion on August 16 due to being anemic. On August 21, she was transferred to in hospital rehab to start daily sessions of PT and OT. She told us she was taking various amounts of steps each day. We later learned that these steps were taken not just with a walker, but with 2 people assist (one on each under arm). On August 27, she had her 4th spinal surgery due to spinal fluid on the spine... during this entire time, mil was experiencing hand tremors and extreme anxiety. She has since started talking with a psychiatrist and has started taking medication for anxiety. She was able to lower her pain medications and is off muscle relaxers. She is diabetic and has stage 4 chronic kidney disease. She also does not have a spleen.
Due to all of the setbacks and complications, in hospital rehab was not a success. She is not able to get herself out of bed. Which means she cannot take care of her toileting needs and needs 2 people with her around the clock if standing and 1 if we're going to only use a wheelchair and a transfer board. Insurance denied moving to another rehab facility. She was to be discharged on September 11 to go home. The doctors ran more tests before her discharge date and found there is fluid build up on the spine again. For whatever reason the X-ray team wasn't able to do an alternate procedure to drain the fluid and the surgeon does not want to do a 5th spinal surgery. The doctors requested rehab again, after being moved out of the in hospital rehab unit and back to the orthopedic section. Insurance has denied rehab again and the family has submitted an appeal. We are now in the waiting process for the appeal. They have 25 days to respond. I get it - insurance doesn't want to pay for her to go to rehab and not get better (again). But also, she wasn't ready to receive the rehab services at the time she had them due to other medical issues. Her team is confident she can walk again with more rehab.
Anyone have any similar experiences? Any advice? We're pretty much wait and see at this point.
If she does get discharged to home, she will likely return to the hospital shortly after as we aren't able to keep her safe.
Sigh. There are other issues as well, but that's for another post. 
Thanks for reading. ♥
15 comments posted: Tuesday, September 24th, 2024
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I have been struggling with this for quite some time and recently it has gotten harder. I feel like it's a very silly thing to be struggling with and therefore don't really want to address it. I'm embarrassed that it's an issue, but it's not going away.
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