SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Clearing the air.

Inkhulk,

I am not the one in this marriage who made it a battleground whether PIV occurred in my wifes multiple affairs and ONSs. Shes the one who did that. I dont give a flying fuck that she did. She seems to find me not thinking that, no matter what, no matter how, is the most important thing.

What I do give fucks about is how important to her having me eat some total bullshit is.

Ive gone from her telling me she was having her ass smacked and being harassed at work, and getting fingered by a girl,

To kiss stealing and groping by two dudes and getting fingered by a girl,

To kissing and getting fingered by two guys and a girl, a dozen instances, never wanted to have sex because she only wanted to "be one with me"

To kissing and getting fingered by three guys and one girl, filling the whole fucking calendar over 9 months with back to back instances, sneaking around with condoms, researching birth control(which she would NEVER take for me), wanting to, masturbating about, snapchatting about having sex with "work boyfriend" but choosing not to "because she was getting that at home and didnt need it".

Thats where we are now.

Hikingout, I got revelations for days, I just dont have time to write it all out. Ive spent too much life energy on this.

I spent it because after betraying me, she doesnt get to fool me too. She doesnt get to continue on unseen. She just doesnt, and it was never up to her.

Im wrapping up the investigative portion of all this. The trail of peanuts is followed to the clown, and the clown is never going to admit eating any, short of me showing her a picture of her geting railed. Whole truth? I dont get it. Thats life. It sucks.

Final info drop. This is our texts from the night of sept 15, the nightclub incident.

Text Transcript with Notated Gaps of Sept 15 Nightclub Incident

H: her

M: me

H: I miss you so much! (7:18 PM)

H: Wish you were here love (7:20 PM)

H: How are you doing? (7:22 PM)

H: Its hard to be without a bay (7:26 PM)

H: Much best to be with you (7:27 PM)

M: sorry love, (car club Friend) called right as I shut the front door (7:30 PM)

H: No prob! Im sorry baby (7:30 PM)

M: I miss you too but youll have a ton of fun, and we will be together shortly (7:30 PM)

M: I feel lousy that I couldn’t pull it together but I simply can’t be around other folks right now. I’m too unsettled (7:31 PM)

H: I don’t want you to feel bad about it baby (7:32 PM)

H: I feel bad for you (7:32 PM)

M: You can call me if there is any trouble and l’ll come split some skulls (7:33 PM)

H: Thanks so much sweetie. My surrogate parents will look after me lol (7:33 PM)

M: I trust that such is the case (7:34 PM)

M: I wasnt worried. (7:34 PM)

H: I’m glad cutie (7:34 PM)

H: Can hardly bear to be apart from my love (7:35 PM)

M: It’s ok. Wont be long dove (7:36 PM)

H: yeah baby. So long as you’re ok (7:38 PM)

H: Id rather be with you always (7:38 PM)

H: hope you had a nice talk with (car club friend) and I didnt cut it short (7:38 PM)

M: It was fine. Love you (7:38 PM)

H: Love you so much! (7:39 PM)

H: We’re almost here (7:40 PM)

M: yay (7:40 PM)

H: I paid for parking 5 bucks for st judes since they didnt have cash on them (7:42 PM)

H: Social pressure haha (7:43 PM)

H: Plus they drove me (7:43 PM)

M: Its coo (7:43 PM)

M: Love the cub (7:43 PM)

H: Love you Cuber (7:46 PM)

H: I’m a lil fancy dressed but its kinda dark in here (7:48 PM)

M: How fun (7:49 PM)

M: Bein all fance (7:49 PM)

H: Everybody’s here with there significant others. I wanna hold your hand when I get home. (8:00 PM)

M: Yeah ok (8:01 PM)

H: Haha you so cupe (8:01 PM)

H: Doin ok? (8:01 PM)

M: Yeah. Lookin at stuff online (8:02 PM)

H: How good (8:04 PM)

H: Im so proud of you (8:04 PM)

[16-minute gap: 8:04 PM – 8:20 PM]

Note: This gap occurs while She is at the nightclub, likely socializing with (trusted friends E and her boyfriend) and the others early in the evening. It’s a moderate gap, possibly indicating she’s engaged in the club environment (e.g., socializing, procuring drinks) and not focused on texting.

H: Im just drinking beer to be safe (8:20 PM)

H: For my health (8:20 PM)

M: Lols (8:23 PM)

[16-minute gap: 8:23 PM – 8:39 PM]

Note: Another moderate gap while She is still at the club. She’s likely continuing to socialize or drink, potentially interacting with (J), (B), and (K), who she’ll later leave with. This gap aligns with her next couple of texts about dancing with (E) (8:39 PM), suggesting she’s active in the club setting.

H: Love you so (8:39 PM)

H: Danced with (E) (8:39 PM)

M: aww how fun (8:40 PM)

H: Twas fun (8:40 PM)

M: Love you so (8:40 PM)

H: Hows you? (8:40 PM)

M: Good. Tv and internet, pretty much like I said. (8:40 PM)

H: Hope you enjoy (8:42 PM)

H: Miss ya (8:42 PM)

H: Thanks for encouraging me to go though (8:42 PM)

M: Miss you too (8:42 PM)

H: is fun to have girlfriends (8:42 PM)

M: Glad its fun (8:42 PM)

H: Even though hard to part (8:42 PM)

H: Thank you baby (8:42 PM)

H: Cant wait to see you (8:42 PM)

M: you either (8:43 PM)

[22-minute gap: 8:43 PM – 9:05 PM]

Note: This gap occurs while She is still at the nightclub, continuing to engage in social behavior.

H: Hows my baby ray (9:05 PM)

M: Good. Hows you? (9:05 PM)

H: Good thanks (9:07 PM)

H: Excited to see you though cubs (9:08 PM)

M: you too bays (9:09 PM)

[13-minute gap: 9:09 PM – 9:22 PM]

Note: This gap is shorter but still occurs while She is at the club. It’s likely a continuation of socializing. A few of the following texts appear to have been sent to me in error, possible inebriation.

H: Sorry. about that (9:22 PM)

M: Aint no thang (9:23 PM)

H: I thought I knew where they were but it was blocked off (9:23 PM)

H: Thanks bays (9:23 PM)

[10-minute gap: 9:23 PM – 9:33 PM]

Note: This gap includes the events up to the moment She mentions (E and her boyfriends) fight, indicating rising tension that disrupts her initial plan to leave with them.

H: I feel so bad. I got E in trouble. (9:33 PM)

H: I had to pee when she was smoking (9:33 PM)

H: and he said why did (H) come in before you (9:33 PM)

H: looks like i may take the shuttle back (9:33 PM)

M: no no (9:34 PM)

M: ill come get (9:34 PM)

H: he said Im leaving in two minutes and he walked off (9:34 PM)

M: oh shit (9:34 PM)

M: should i head your way? (9:34 PM)

H: no not yet (9:35 PM)

H: thanks though sweet baby (9:35 PM)

H: im gonna see what happens (9:35 PM)

H: she said shed text me (9:35 PM)

H: thank you so much though (9:35 PM)

M: ill be right there pretty quick, just let me know (9:35 PM)

H: ok sweet baby. Thank you so much (9:36 PM)

H: I cant tell you how much that means (9:36 PM)

M: its no big deal (9:36 PM)

H: youre the best. (9:37 PM)

H: truly (9:37 PM)

M: aww thanks (9:37 PM)

H: baby its you. But i have been a good girl (9:38 PM)

H: and will continue to be (9:38 PM)

[3-minute gap: 9:38 PM – 9:41 PM]

Note: A brief gap, likely as She processes her plans after (E and her boyfriend) fight. She may be discussing her departure with J, B, and K during this time. E told me that decision was made after She refused to leave with them, "we made sure she had a safe ride home with B" The unprompted reassurance of being a "good girl" in the text prior to this gap implies otherwise intent, and she probably knew she would leave with them by this point.

M: so whats the story (9:41 PM)

H: its all good. We’re just hanging out (9:42 PM)

H: what up with you (9:42 PM)

M: sitting (9:42 PM)

H: bless of it (9:44 PM)

H: so good (9:44 PM)

H: i feel so bad that (He) got mad at E cuz it wasnt her fault. She was not attracted to him (9:45 PM)

M: is there still tension? (9:45 PM)

H: yeah. I get where hes coming from but its ridiculous. (9:46 PM)

M: muchness. (9:46 PM)

H: theyre sortin it out i think. I hope (9:46 PM)

H: yeah baby. You know it. (9:46 PM)

[12-minute gap: 9:46 PM – 9:58 PM]

Note: This gap occurs after (E and her boyfriend) likely left the club (around 9:40-9:45). I dont think they are at the club anymore; he was leaving ("in 2 minutes") at 9:34 and ("theyre sortin it out I think. I hope.") implying she doesnt actually know the current state of them.

H: hope youre well lovey (9:58 PM)

M: im good (9:58 PM)

H: im glad (10:01 PM)

H: actually not much going on here/ just listening to music (10:09 PM)

H: kinda boring but not bad (10:09 PM)

M: cool enough (10:09 PM)

H: yeah bays (10:12 PM)

H: its okay (10:13 PM)

[49-minute gap: 10:13 PM – 11:02 PM]

Note: Notably preceded by another unprompted reassurance, ("yeah bays, its okay") This is the most significant gap, spanning Her departure from the club (around 10:15 PM or earlier), the 30 minute drive to Winder (10:15 PM – 10:45 PM) during which B and K finger her, and the first 17 minutes at the house (10:45 PM – 11:02 PM). Her silence suggests she’s preoccupied with sexual activity in the car and settling in at the house. In the next several texts over several minutes, she conceals her whereabouts by omission in her responses despite my brief objections and alludes to possible pickup points near B and J’s house. She also refers to the people she is with as idiots who dragged her away, only mentioning K, while not tipping her hat that she isnt actually at the nightclub.

Therefore, she is likely already there and in a bathroom when she resumes texting, which makes sense, long car ride after drinking.

M: still doing good?(10:58)

H: K said if you could pick me up at hamilton mill qt that would be good if you really dont mind (11:02 PM)

M: when should i head out? (11:02 PM)

H: ill let you know. Hate for you to have to. (11:04 PM)

M: no im happy to (11:04 PM)

H: or it may be our exit (11:05 PM)

H: ill let you know (11:05 PM)

M: ok (11:05 PM)

H: I could have been famous. But these idiots dragged me away (11:05 PM)

M: what (11:06 PM)

H: suppose its for the best (11:06 PM)

H: whatever (11:06 PM)

M: riddles (11:06 PM)

H: ill let ya know (11:07 PM)

[31-minute gap: 11:07 PM – 11:38 PM]

Note: This gap occurs while She is at the house in Winder, between her two likely bathroom visits where she texts me things she wouldn’t in front of the group. It’s the most likely window for sexual activity (e.g., penetrative sex with J, possibly involving K or B), as it’s the longest uninterrupted period during her hour long stay. The lack of communication suggests she’s engaged with the group, consistent with a scenario of sexual activity. The following texts from her presumed second bathroom visit begins with a sexual pronouncement about K. I ask "what?" In disbelief, multiple times, receiving no explanations. She already knows she is about to leave while texting here, which somewhat discredits the ejected after screaming narrative. if that occurred, she wouldnt be so nonchalant.

H: wow. K is a lesbian. (11:38 PM)

H: who knew (11:38 PM)

H: or bi or something (11:38 PM)

H: something (11:38 PM)

M: how did that come out (11:38 PM)

H: she tried to finger me in the car (11:39 PM)

H: wtf (11:39 PM)

M: what (11:39 PM)

H: anyways ill get you an address asap (11:39 PM)

H: She said I could crash at her place (11:39 PM)

H: but… (11:39 PM)

H: lol (11:39 PM)

M: what (11:39 PM)

[7-minute gap: 11:39 PM – 11:47 PM]

Note: This brief gap occurs presumably as She prepares to leave Winder (departure at 11:45 PM). She’s likely coordinating with K and saying goodbye to the group, as her text about crashing at K’s place (rather than saying I could crash here for example) indicates they’re about to depart, havent yet, and she doesnt have the address yet, but intends to relate one "asap". I am concealing my anger at this point as I have just learned there was a car ride away from the club and an "attempted" fingering after I was quite clear about boundaries and her having me come get her if things went "off plan".

M: should I head out? (11:44 PM)

H: well K said to head to (address redacted), ga (11:47 PM)

H: im so sorry (11:47 PM)

[11-minute gap: 11:47 PM – 11:58 PM]

Note: This gap spans part of the drive from Winder to Dacula (11:45 PM – 12:04AM), which takes a little less than 20 minutes. I am simultaneously driving from Braselton to Dacula (11:50 PM – 12:17 AM). Her silence reflects possibly continued interaction with K, who "kept wanting to fool around" in Dacula. The only indication of distress when she begins texting again is that she might be stuck with K and would like me to confirm I am on the way. But I was driving and couldnt text.

H: whats up baby? You driving? (11:58 PM)

H: whats going on on bays (12:03 AM)

[This message edited by 5bluedrops at 4:56 PM, Friday, April 18th]

Friend, I am utterly on team 5bd’s. I hope you read every word I write with that as the underlying assumption. And you can vent as much as is helpful to you, it’s a safe place.

I hear you saying the sex isn’t the point, it’s the lying. I get it.

You can’t Sherlock Holmes your way out of this. Either she puts together a comprehensive narrative that meets the moment both intellectually and emotionally, or she doesn’t. The time past, to me, is irrelevant. She could have done the digging you have. She could have told the truth from the beginning. She could have willingly and collaboratively talked about the A which would have jogged her memory. And it’s just more wrongdoing that she kept it hidden this long, making it harder for her to atone for what she did.

Friend, you are harming your own mental health by obsessing over these details. You know she’s trickle truthing you because the story keeps changing. The only way out of this is HER changing. The look in her face should change like a demon got exorcised. She should tell you details and motives that you never thought to ask about.

But you need to rest. You need to act as if she ran off with an AP and left you to pick up your own broken pieces. She did worse, she stayed and scattered and hid the shards. It’s wrong stacked on top of wrong. Protect yourself. Release yourself from the demand of getting the truth, it’s beyond your power. It’s only relevant to healing the relationship, anyway. Heal yourself. Give her space and time to see if she will change. I know how scary that is, to let go of the outcome. But you need to, it’s the way out of the insanity.

But you need to rest. You need to act as if she ran off with an AP and left you to pick up your own broken pieces. She did worse, she stayed and scattered and hid the shards. It’s wrong stacked on top of wrong. Protect yourself. Release yourself from the demand of getting the truth, it’s beyond your power. It’s only relevant to healing the relationship, anyway. Heal yourself. Give her space and time to see if she will change. I know how scary that is, to let go of the outcome. But you need to, it’s the way out of the insanity.

I watched ink go through this, maybe not the investigating stuff. I just want to say read this paragraph he wrote until it sinks in. He is 100 percent on point. I don’t know how many other ways to say it.

And you do not need to worry about explaining what’s new, I was trying to understand if there was a big picture change. But no? After your last post I see where you are coming from.

Please try and the in what ink (and we are all collectively saying as many different ways as we can think of. You are keeping yourself in a state of being that is very self destructive and I am concerned.

Yeah, I know.

I always knew that thinking this out and putting the crime scene together wasnt going to fix it. But the purpose it served was its own declaration of independence. Learning what was believable for myself in spite of, to spite the coverup.

Challenge accepted.

As much as the details hurt, its less than having been a useful idiot, a patsy, an object of ridicule for paying full price on what anyone with a dick can have for free.

And everything youve said is true. For what its worth, in as little as I trust anyone anymore, I never doubted the intentions of the people here, especially you, Inkhulk.

I craved for someone to see what was done to me in this. I cant really grasp why. Just need to not be alone in this experience.

I craved for someone to see what was done to me in this. I cant really grasp why. Just need to not be alone in this experience.

Understood, completely and totally understood. You have been outrageously wronged. You have been abused in multiple serious ways. Your kindness has been taken advantage of. I weep for you, genuinely.

I know that feeling of needed others to know. Oh man was I there.

I think somewhere, maybe subconsciously we need that because it’s so far out there and so fucked up we can’t believe it’s real. Like it had to be a movie script someone wrote while on shrooms.
I too hear your anguish and believe it.

My question to you;
Do you post these new revelations only because you need someplace to get them out, or are you also soliciting for ideas on where to go, what to look at next etc?

As much as the details hurt, its less than having been a useful idiot, a patsy, an object of ridicule for paying full price on what anyone with a dick can have for free.

I am going to kindly point you to what sisson said, because this is evidence of what he is saying. I will remind you to align yourself with your goals. Because your wife is not the only one who is her own worst enemy. I am leaving out of this thread now as I do not believe I can help you any more. I wish you the best.

My guess is that you're doing a job on yourself about what your W's actions say about you. If you want to change that, you have to change yourself - but my guess could be wrong. Odds are, IMO, whatever is going on inside you, IC is your way to a better life. No matter what, I think you're trying to deal with some sort of hole within you - and your W can't fill that in. You can't fill the hole from the outside; you have to fill it up yourself.

What @InkHulk said in post #182--and in his other posts on your thread actually.

What I am picking up here: There are an awful lot of sunken costs here that you have had to swallow in your relationship with your WW, and my hunch is that you are desperate to recover at least some of those sunken costs--even if not your marriage to WW itself. From someone who has made you a lot of promises but how does not seem to care all that much about helping you. Which means even more you sunk into failed R, which makes you even more desperate to recoup some of those sunk costs. So you are sticking around and throwing your good energy after bad.

This will do you in. For your own sake, consider disengaging from the Evil Shrew-Lady and start your healing--this includes working through the thicket of your anger, hurt, and pain. Which likely will include working through what you were told you needed to accept in a relationship (e.g., how you may have taken on beliefs such as how you needed to 'get with the program' and commit to someone even if she is unfaithful to you).

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 10:10 PM, Friday, April 18th]

So sorry 5BD. Heart goes out to you. That was so abusive. I do want to tell you I understand your desire to get all the truth you possibly can...it seems to me you are trying to piece together your reality.

From what I gather.... It is not so much about healing at the moment ..it is about knowing. And it is a way that you are being the man...here you are digging and finding in ways I certainly would not be able to.

I do believe you will heal. You are strong. I do suggest my friend...however ..that you draw near to the One who can still storms with a word. Absolutely nothing is hidden to Him. And I will tell you this....He loves truth, and He is truth. He also is able to bring to life, things that are dead.
Praying for you.🙏

I look at other forums. You are doing exactly what people all over the world are doing. Looking for surcease. This is so painful for you that you HAVE to connect. You need peace. Having others here know, and feel, the same pain helps.

I have two things I usually write about. The first is…do you want to live like this for the rest of your life. If you don’t only you have the power to get out of, survive, infidelity. The ball is in your court. You don’t need any more info.

The second is to be the broken record of telling you that every day you live like this is harming you physically and mentally.

The more you write, the more I think you're suffering because of things you tell yourself, and that self-talk can be changed. In fact, the only reason for having hope is that you can change your self-talk.

I don't see evidence that your W or and of the aps attacked you. Your W was a pushover, but how do her dysfunctional actions change you permanently? You weren't acting as her agent. She wasn't acting as yours. You had and continue to have a free choice. You can dump her.

I gather that you wish you had acted more forcefully 12 years ago. You can't change that, but you can accept that you made the wrong decision the, and forgive yourself. Now you have a chance to make a new decision. No one here - and we are the experts - will fault you for acting forcefully now.

Here's the thing: 1) if you want to R based on the intervening years, choosing to R meets the requirements of 'acting forcefully; and 2) if you want to dump her and D, that meets the requirements, too.

Forceful action comes from inside, irrespective of what others thing. I get your angst. I'm very sorry you've suffered so long. I'm very happy, though, that the power to stop suffering lies within you. You've got the power. You decide how you want to use it.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:49 PM, Saturday, April 19th]