SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Three years ago, before we were married and had our child, my wife went to a music festival with friends. While there, she was very drunk and kissed a married man she had just met. She didn’t push him away and, while she later framed it as uninvited, she’s since admitted she doesn’t fully remember the moment due to alcohol.

In the weeks after, they exchanged flirty messages. She shared personal insights about our relationship, and while she initially claimed she only sent suggestive photos (like cleavage shots), I later discovered she sent at least one partially nude photo — something she eventually acknowledged. There were also many nude photos taken during that period that weren’t shared with me, which raised doubts about what was actually sent. This is what I found when I had a feeling something wasn't right & found a cluster of nudes during a specific period of time. Which was an unusual pattern. She now says she doesn’t remember sending any full nudes, but admits she may have taken some for him in mind. There was also some ambiguity about whether they ever planned to meet again.

What made things harder was that she kept this a secret for years — through our engagement, wedding, and early parenting. I uncovered signs recently based on a gut feeling, and she admitted to the kiss and messages soon after I confronted her.

I’ve had to work through intense emotional swings — disbelief, betrayal, grief, anger, and obsessive rumination. But I’ve also come through it with a surprising amount of clarity and strength. We’ve talked deeply. She’s shown remorse, has taken full responsibility, and we’ve begun rebuilding from a more emotionally open and honest place.

I still struggle with the ambiguity — especially around the photos — but I believe she didn’t fully realise the damage this would cause, and she’s genuinely recommitted to our family. The affair wasn’t physical beyond the kiss, but the emotional betrayal was very real.

We’re considering marriage counselling. I’m working on healing not just for the marriage, but for myself.

Welcome to SI and sorry that you're dealing with infidelity. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. There are some other good posts that aren't pinned but have bull's eye icons that you may need to scroll to find them. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great resources.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a trauma-informed therapist can be very helpful in working through a lot of things. I hope your WW (wayward wife) is in IC to work on becoming a safe partner. Generally, MC is recommended after you've had a chance to heal. The MC will work on your relationship, but aren't always well equipped to deal with infidelity.

Your WW should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a nice blueprint she can follow to help you heal. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. One of the chapters she wrote is called Windows & Walls and discusses boundaries.

The emotional swings are what we call the emotional roller coaster around here.

Welcome to SI glad you found us, there is a lot of experience here and a lot advice that won’t make sense or seem counter productive.

It sounds like you just now discovered this A (affair). In typical Dday fashion she is TT (trickle truthing). She will only admit to what is concrete evidence in front of her. I would suggest you ask for a written timeline of who, what, when, where and how. You cannot R (reconcile) if she is still lying and covering up the truth. You should sit her down and tell her you cannot move forward without the full truth and give her about 48 hours to come clean in writing. I’m not saying there is more, she hasn’t been forthcoming with information.

When I caught my WW in her A and TT that followed. Her timeline turned up many other men she was sexting and a ONS (one night stand) on a business trip. Keep peeling this onion Brother.

@EmotionalNomad, this is rough. Yeah, women don’t take tons of nude selfies for their own enjoyment, I would imagine that he received and likely still has the bulk of those photos, trophies of his conquest. We’ve all been betrayed, but the photo trend is a hard one. Those can never be reclaimed and he owns them forever, his to show or enjoy at will. Such a damaging thing for her to do. Of course, she may not have thought it through and I think it’s possible that she is reformed. People to change….

From here, I think counseling would be a good idea. At least to make her realize the harm and reduce the chance of such a thing happening again. Funny that so many of our wives report that it stopped at kissing as well. You may want to probe that claim a bit as well. The truth has to be out there to start again.

@leafields Thank you for the pointers. They could come in useful.

@tanner @Brttn It's coming up to 2 weeks since I found out. I agree that there is a degree of trickle truthing, but I feel this is down to my WW not being able to look back at that version of herself, especially as she's fully committed to me since & become a mother. Seem's like she's buried it deep, rather than being intentional deceitful with it.

She's given me full access to her devices. I've sifted through conversations between us, with her friends, her photo roll, location services & she doesn't have a habit of deleting things, so I've been able to put a narrative to her of what I've found, which helped bring context & clearly see where windows of opportunity for anything more could have been & they were minimal.

She didn't know I knew about the cluster of nudes when she confessed, it was only when i asked her to go back through the photos of that time with me, that I could point out which ones I never saw & could they have been for the other man. At the time she told me any nudes would have been sent to me, but I said i would have remembered seeing them. I made her go to our WhatsApp conversations from that time & that proved they were never sent to me.

She says she doesn't really remember, but could tell me which ones she likely sent, as they were edited. By deduction of looking through her backup, which showed all edited photos, I've been able to see what she likely sent to the AP. There were two partial nudes in there, she said she doesn't remember sending them, but if i didn't get them, then she must have sent them to the AP with them being edited.

She says she wouldn't have crossed the boundary of sending a full nude, she distinctly remembers that was a clear boundary, but there are 5-6 sets of nudes she took within a period of a week or two. She admits she probably took them with the excitement of sending to the AP, but she never sent them. Especially as she points out blemishes or things she doesn't like in the nudes & she'd always edit these even before sending to me, never mind anyone else.

She can clearly see how bad it all looks though, so when I put it to her that with her hormones clearly being imbalanced at the time (She took period blockers for the festival & it goes someway to explain this uncharacteristic behavior between then & her next period, not excusing her behavior though)... that could she have impulsively overstepped her boundary. She says she doesn't want to lie to me about that, so she can't be sure. She maintains that she's 95% certain she never sent a full nude to him.

I've had methods of getting more info from the AP, which she was fully aware of & she never cracked at the prospect of me being told something more happened.

She's genuinely remorseful & relieved to have ridden herself of this guilt. She thought I would leave her if I found out, hence not voluntarily telling me.

The timeline of the kiss & the festival is pretty clear, as I've also had it corroborated by a mutual friend who was with her at the time.

My WW & AP where part of a group of people of differing demographics & she felt safe around the AP, as he was married. After a heavy day of drinking, she told the group she was going to the toilet near the end of the headline act for that day. The AP then said he needed to go aswell & went with her.

Just before she went to queue for the toilet, the AP said that he needs to give her his number in case they get split up from the group, as the surge from the end of the headline act would make it hard for them all to find each other after. He took her phone off her to put his number in & as she turned around to queue, he quickly pulled her back & put his mouth on her. She was shocked & didn't realise what was happening, but she doesn't remember much with being so drunk. She's ashamed that she thinks she didn't push him away & let it happen. He messaged her a couple of days later mentioning how good the kiss was, which made her think she may not have been as innocent in that part as she thought.

The continued messaging from there on in was casual & talking about the same bands they liked, but she admits she liked the attention & validation, as well as being able to talk to someone about things who doesn't kno us, our friends or family. She sent him the pictures, as he would talk about how depressed he was, so thought it would cheer him up a bit. She makes him feel a bit better, but also get's the external validation that she was clearly craving at the time.

From all of this, I feel i've got as close to the truth as I can get, what hurts about not fully knowing is that she would delete their conversations & the images she sent where view once only. I have no way of knowing how emotionally intense those conversations where, they could be banal, but they could be extremely racy. I have no idea & she says she can't remember.

Now we're out of the emotionally intensive part of this regards looking for answers, she's looking back on it herself & realises she villainised me at the time for doing things that would make her lonely. At that time, there's proof I was always present & making more effort with her, so she's struggling to come to terms of how she's gaslighted herself over that to, leading to her half-jokingly saying that she was a scumbag & she should leave me.

I feel lucky to a certain extent that I do have a wife who is now fully committed to me & my family, so this experience of finding out may not be as traumatic as many others who have been cheated on.

I'm not downplaying what she did & neither is she. It was still cheating & she is owning that.

This "cheating shortly before marriage" seems to be a thing. I don’t know why; if it’s the fear of missing out, fear of commitment or whatever. But we have heard of comparable actions for quite some time.

I think people – and thereby couples – can recover and reconcile from near-anything. This doesn’t mean or imply you should, but IMHO recovery requires that the individuals recover, and once they are semi-healthy, they can work on the relationship. Sometimes that road to self-healing makes us realize the relationship is dead, sometimes the partner doesn’t heal or heals differently than we expect, sometimes things work out.

I also think we can only recover from the truth. You call this an emotional affair... Well... kissing is physical, and sharing nudes or sexually explicit content (photos or texts) gives it a sexual angle IMHO. Not stating this to make things worse but a key factor to recovery is that you remove any doubt from your mind. If they had sex in any way or form (fondling, oral, phone-sex... whatever...) it’s better to know now and deal with it rather than further down the road.

I find her selective memory loss convenient for her. She remembers things in detail like telling the group she’s headed for the toilet, OM stating he must go too, taking time to share numbers and all that... but then says she doesn’t remember too much due to alcohol. As I stated earlier: the only way to recover is from the truth. I honestly don’t think you have the truth because she’s hiding behind me, not remembering.
Keep in mind that if she truly was so drunk she can’t remember then this is almost or possible sexual assault.

I think it could be key to making that clear to your wife. That to recover you need the TRUTH and if she’s hiding something and if you two manage to create the marriage you want, that "something" will hold her back. That the total truth is better, and to work from that.
One idea is to offer a grace-period: Emphasize the importance of the truth and commit to reconciliation no matter what the truth might be for a six-month period. In other words: she tells you she had sex with the guy or sent him explicit content... you remain committed to reconciling. Make it equally clear that if you discover some major secrets as your healing progresses that can be more damaging than hearing them now. It would indicate either (or both) that she doesn’t trust you with the truth and/or isn’t really committed.