SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

"The cold hard truth is I catered to this woman my whole adult life. Let hobbies go, lost touch with great friends, changed traditions, and lost myself as a person in many ways. All for what? Like you said, what am I really fighting for here?"

I wish I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard similar words from a BS. The fact is that you will find a WS admitting they took these efforts for granted. No matter what you ultimately decide to do in your M, moving forward, always value yourself. I believe a healthy relationship involves both partners maintaining their individuality, their interests and passions, as well as devotion and commitment to their partner and family. But we’ve all been there. Losing ourselves in our day to day work, supporting our partner, being active with our children while sacrificing our hobbies or sports, or activities. There’s a correct balance there somewhere. You will find it. Getting back to your friends, your hobbies, your favorite activities is part of the healing process.

As far as one of you moving out, particularly you, be careful with that one. In some cases that could be considered a form of abandonment in the eyes of the law as far as custody/time goes with your kids.

I don't think you're 100% looking at divorce at this point yet, but if it is a possibility you don't want to jeopardize losing time with your kids because of a technicality. Definitely run it by a lawyer before you do something like that.

Fareast:

Thank you for the kind words. This is one of those things that I have really been reflecting on. It's something that happens so easily, and you don't even really notice it happening. You're right too, my wife has admitted to "taking me for granted". I prefer to think of it in a different way though; she used me for years and was likely engaging in this type of behavior throughout our entire relationship. While I thought I had a woman who respected me and appreciated me, she was blowing up boundaries and bad mouthing me to her boyfriend or whoever else would listen. That is a sobering realization. She wanted the security at home, and the fun behind closed doors. While I was out there defending her and doing what I was raised to do as a man, providing for my family, she was making me out to be some negative entity in her life. It's truly unbelievable. It's the ultimate betrayal.

I can assure you that if my wife and I do reconcile, that relationship is OVER. It would have to be something completely restructured. I've seen the truth now, there's no going back.

Pogre:

I appreciate the advice. I have no intention of leaving my house, no matter what. So, no worries there.

Quick update for everyone:

Things are steadily getting worse. I implemented some of the 180 tactics and it really didn't do anything but make her more combative. At this point, it looks like we are heading to a D. I've had a few conversations with my wife about doing legal consultations and how things would likely play out and it just resulted in more avoidance. Honestly, even more blame shifting, fighting, and just an overall lack of accountability for her actions.

I told her at this point I'm not really interested reconciliation. Its not the route that I wanted, but I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel on this one.

I appreciate everyone's support throughout this thread.

Dale,

I know you may not be familiar with but what the 180 is, it is no tactic.

It is simply the biggest fuck you one can give to another person.

Flip your back to, leave them, move on with your life.

Screaming, begging or whatever, they lose any power because you took all the power for yourself. You left, even if you are still temporary present.

You can’t use "some tactics" you can’t "half leave". It doesn’t work, is not real is performance.

Naturally doesn’t work.
That’s not a 180

Hope you understand

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 5:37 PM, Tuesday, June 23rd]

The 180 is for you. Not her. It helps you detach. You no longer have conversations. You answer yes or no to questions. If she wants more than that, too bad. You are protecting yourself. Her needs and wants are no longer your responsibility. Drop the rope. The boat is sinking. Just let go.

I agree with Cooley2Here, the 180 is for you. To quote from the healing library:

Oftentimes, the wayward spouse will go on the offensive – arguing, blame-shifting, minimising or justifying their actions, projecting untruths, lying, making threats, and so forth. Engaging in these arguments serves to meet their negative emotional needs and further entrench their delusion. By changing how you behave or interact you can remove yourself from a manipulative situation and detach to preserve your emotional wellbeing. By practising control over your feelings, thoughts, and actions you can maintain a calm and steady centre of being and speak truthfully and directly with quiet assertiveness. If your wayward partner tries to pull your emotional strings, you simply let them go in order to avoid being dragged back down into the mire. You regain control of your life by refusing to be played for a puppet – you are the one who is in control of yourself.

https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/the-simplified-180/

It’s so that she can’t hurt you anymore.

I’m sorry Icedale. It take two people to R. Get a plan together with your lawyer. Start separating finances and all that. And tell people. Tell your parents, her parents, siblings or close friends - whomever are the key people in your life that you’re separating/getting a divorce because of her affair with [OM - use his name]. You’re going to need support to get through this.

Dale,

Quick update for everyone:

Things are steadily getting worse. I implemented some of the 180 tactics and it really didn't do anything but make her more combative. At this point, it looks like we are heading to a D. I've had a few conversations with my wife about doing legal consultations and how things would likely play out and it just resulted in more avoidance. Honestly, even more blame shifting, fighting, and just an overall lack of accountability for her actions.

I told her at this point I'm not really interested reconciliation. Its not the route that I wanted, but I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel on this one.

I appreciate everyone's support throughout this thread.

As has been pointed out the 180 is for you. If you're implementing it there shouldn't be any combat. If she starts with you just say something along the lines of "I'm sorry you feel that way. If we were working on fixing our marriage I might be willing to have that conversation, but right now the biggest issue with our marriage is your infidelity and you're making it clear you're not interested in talking honestly and transparently with me about it."

Then walk away. Don't argue back, and don't take any bait. As Bigger often says, "go make a sandwich and watch some tv." The 180 about emotionally detaching from her and getting yourself grounded. Sometimes a WS will react and start coming to the table, but if not then you're already on your way to being detached and your message is clear. "I'm getting out of infidelity, one way or another, and I'm done living in uncertainty."

[This message edited by Pogre at 8:59 PM, Tuesday, June 23rd]