SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The recent discussions have highlighted certain aspects of myself, and I'm wondering if it's just me, or if others feel the same way. Some weeks after dday1, STBWX mentioned that during his affair, he was hoping I'd met someone and started sleeping with them. I told him the thought of anyone other than him touching me made me want to throw up.

Even now, 6 weeks away from our divorce being official, more than a year of living separately, and probably 2 years since I've had any kind of intimate physical contact with anyone, the thought of someone touching me that way creeps me out. When I try to imagine/fantasize about it, I get turned off. Don't get me wrong - I no longer want STBWX's touch either! That is a HUGE turnoff at this point, but I can't picture myself with anyone.

One of the unfathomable aspects of his affair was how he could get sexually involved with someone else. I asked him why he wasn't repulsed the way I was. He said that he felt "a little weird" about it, and that's why they took things very slowly on the physical front, but it wasn't enough to stop him. And of course, he's been sleeping with someone new since January.

In my case, I'm still so put off by it all that I won't even consider dating. My friends keep asking. LOL! I don't think it's just that I'm "demi-sexual" (that I need an emotional connection first) - there are a couple single men in my social circle, and I can't imagine them as anything other than friends.

This isn't to say that I don't find people attractive. I do! But I have no interest in actually being with them. Am I super weird?

No, you are not.

Pretty healthy and natural reaction for a girl. You are normal.

I will expand on that later

— Ok then , got few mins —

Some weeks after dday1, STBWX mentioned that during his affair, he was hoping I'd met someone and started sleeping with them. I told him the thought of anyone other than him touching me made me want to throw up.

We respect ourselves (and our partner) too much to do that. That’s why it makes you sick.

Wayward before reforming can not understand that.

Is like pooping on the floor of your house. It’s pointless, gross and really just stupid self sabotage someone will have to clean the smelly mess. And you probably won’t like living in it for long eithe, no matter how releasing was the pooping on the moment.

I get it we all need an outlet to bodily instincts, but can’t you control your self? I thought you were grown up!

Infidelity is like pooping on the floor of your house, but you also invite a stranger and you both indulge in this, taking turns and pooping on each other until you are soaked. And call it thrilling, exciting etc.

Poop being poop, you can still both see and smell the mess afterwards. You both love it, but you are aware it’s disgusting to others, so you are ashamed to be caught and found out. You don’t want to clean up, you want to do it again! But how to keep your poop in your life without being exposed?

Simple: cupcakes. Your betrayed partner will swallow them all and you can keep doing under the guise of normalcy. Genius, they will never find out!

When you inevitably find out, you are shocked, and the WS may wish you to do the same to them so you’ll be equal, and their shame will calm.

But you need to have some kind of issues to find that appealing. We keep our business where we belong, we don’t soil our relationship with poop, because we respect our selves, our partner, our relationship.

We find two adults rolling in their poop gross.

Why don’t we just give it a try with someone you ask me? Dude! Wtf is wrong with you?!

When you hear cake eater, let’s precise that these cupcakes with the affair partners are the cake they eat. You know the ingredients now. Gross, let them have it and choke on it. Don’t bite!

The counter argument I see often is this:

"Everyone could do it given the chance."

Could we loyal partners poop on the floor too?

Of course we could! If we make a long series of stupid and meaningless decisions we could cave to our urges as well, we are humans!

We just need to:

- set ourself to accumulate without taking care of the business

- avoid any norm of hygiene and dignity and decency we taught ourselves.

- make a lot of choices for us to be exactly in that spot when the urge already built up and it’s hard to contain

- ignore our body and mind alarm system telling us that’s going to happen and still stay in the room instead of running away and to the safety of your bathroom

… the we just choose to self sabotage ourselves enough that we can poop on our floor…

So we could too….

But probably we will still choose to keep it in our pants.

Even now, 6 weeks away from our divorce being official, more than a year of living separately, and probably 2 years since I've had any kind of intimate physical contact with anyone, the thought of someone touching me that way creeps me out. When I try to imagine/fantasize about it, I get turned off. Don't get me wrong - I no longer want STBWX's touch either! That is a HUGE turnoff at this point, but I can't picture myself with anyone.

There was one of those social experiments, you know those things were you claim the amazing discovery that hot water is indeed wet and warm? Those.

2 Attractive interviewers, one male and one female, interviewing the opposite gender with these questions:

- would you date me?

- would you come to my room?

- would you have sex with me?

To "would you date me" about half of men and half of women answered Yes. So 50/50

When invited into the room, it was about 25% of girls who said "yes" and about 75% of guys said "Yes".

To let’s go have sex, around 95% of the men said yes. A big fat 0% of the girls said yes.

Now while the % given should be taken with a giant pinch of salt because those "experiments" are entertainment, even more serious tests give a similar picture.

Point is that while for me and many other guys the abstract idea of casual random sex is more than welcome, for ladies this is less common response. I can think of just a very few reasons strong enough of why I would ever pass the chance (one being, I am taken). In fact I can remember of about 2-3 situations where I passed if the girl was hot. It is kind of a "Nah I don’t need to know your name either" thing. Very emotional right?

Up to other guys to say how they stand on this.

On the contrary it’s extremely rare a girl is up for the same thing. I know one among all girls I ever met, and she is a nymphomaniac, so hardly normal, she has definitely dysfunctional issues about sex, never seen her say no to anything, I think she is way more unhinged than any guy I know.

The 0% sounds realistic. Even when you meet a girl and you sleep with her the same night, I never seen it happen without establishing some sort of connection between you and her first. She might be the most attracted to you, doesn’t matter. If you don’t connect emotionally at some level is not going to happen.

I would say is healthy, is not weird, my "friend" is weird and she is diagnosed so.

You are more than healthy.

This isn't to say that I don't find people attractive. I do! But I have no interest in actually being with them. Am I super weird?

As the above overly unnecessary funny stories, you are not weird at all.

You simply need the right energy to form an emotional connection before feeling sexual attraction.

You can’t jump that part without completely breaking your healthy emotional programming.

Could you train yourself to do it? With a lot of work maybe, I am not sure you would ever be happy with that though. Seems your nature is secure attachment and intimacy follows that naturally.

The men you know you see as friends? Yes, normal too, you were a loyal and healthy wife . You don’t need to take your business outside the proper boundaries, because you are not the kind of person who would ever find exciting in pooping on floors.

You were likely broadcasting this energy and those men received that signal and as they respected you. And a man who does respect you won’t focus on you that kind of energy regardless how attractive they may find you.

To do so, would equal on trying to poop on your floors. If someone shifts that kind of energy on you when you’re married or otherwise taken, you know exactly who you are dealing with:

A cheater / affair partner.

Someone who doesn’t respect you, just wants to poop on you and your floors.

That’s turning you off is not surprising.

My 2 cents diagnostic says you are perfectly well and sane.

When your energy will seek emotional connection then someone will be receptive to it and things will change.

And you know now how to spot the difference between a man and a floor pooper 🚽

Poop scriptum:

I didn’t addressed it buy you said:

I told him the thought of anyone other than him touching me made me want to throw up.

For all the above reasons that’s not just you being healthy, that’s not just a woman being healthy, that’s the very essence of a healthy partner.

I would fit in that 95% group if I were single. I would fit in the 0% group if I am taken.

The idea a person other than my partner sharing intimacy does cause a gagging sensation.

It’s then when I know I have a bond, and not just a bind.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 10:38 AM, Monday, June 22nd]

There is this "classic" discussion about what would you do if you had the opportunity to grab a million bucks. Like… if you were walking past an armored car and the guards were carrying sacks of cash into a bank, leaving the doors open and the rest of the bags unattended and unguarded. Even if you know there are no cameras and you could make it past the next corner without any witnesses… would you grab a bag? Most of us have at some point fantasized about what we would do in that sort of a situation.
Or if the new cashier gives you the wrong change, like counting tens as single dollars. You can walk out of the store with no consequences whatsoever.
Or you find a wallet with cash in it. Take the cash and toss the wallet? Who will know? Maybe even return the wallet and cards, but claim there was no money…

I would like to think that in all the above situations I would choose to be honest. Not because I fear being caught, but simply because it’s the right thing to do.
For me cheating is the same. If I was offered the opportunity I hope I would refuse and not because I feared the wrath of my wife if discovered, but rather the emotional turmoil it would cause ME to let my morals slip so low.

To echo a classic point—and I’ll never miss an opportunity to quote True Detective—there’s a scene where a character argues that without religion, the world would devolve into an immoral fireball of chaos. Rust Cohle’s response is perfect:
"If the only thing keeping a person decent is the expectation of divine reward, then, brother, that person is a piece of shit. And I'd like to get as many of them out in the open as possible."
To bring that home: if the only thing stopping my partner from doing something abhorrent is the fear of getting caught or facing consequences, I would seriously question whether I want to be with them.

There is this "classic" discussion about what would you do if you had the opportunity to grab a million bucks.

Not the best example though, because it paints adultery like something desirable that one doesn’t indulge in just because of opportunity.

It does work for the testing your integrity metaphor but…. Rather than sacks of money I see it more as sacks of fermented manure.

Maybe you could grab enough manure to even reach 1kk in value, but to me it would still remain a big pile of shit.

Gonna pass on the chance either way

(By the way we constantly get those opportunities. Since we turn then down it must mean something)

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 6:33 PM, Monday, June 22nd]

I had opportunities with other men while I was married - subtle and not-so-subtle overtures a couple times at work - and I shut them down. I wasn't even remotely tempted. In one case, we had started to be friends, and I was so disgusted afterward that I stopped talking to him unless I had to for work.

I'm also the person who turns in the whole wallet, cash intact. :D

I agree that the money analogy isn't the best, though, for the reason that BftS outlined.

I don't see an affair or sex or even a relationship as tempting. It's a hassle. It's drama and pain, unnecessary risk and stress. For some people (like STBWX) it must also be excitement. They must get something good from it, or they wouldn't do it, but I didn't feel excited or flattered when my coworker complimented my looks. I felt annoyed and disappointed.

Even when I was young, I expected to stay single for the rest of my life, and I was okay with that. I've come full circle, and at this point, I kind of wish I *had* stayed single all my life. There were some good times with STBWX, but nothing that was worth the pain of the past few years.

I don't necessarily desire people other than my husband. He is beyond satisfying... But we've been with other people in the course of our relationship and it wasn't a turn off. It was just fun. The way I see it, there is fucking and there is making love, with the latter being intimate, and the former, not necessarily. I'd never make love with anyone else because that would be super weird and unpleasant. My H is really the only person I've ever enjoyed kissing, because I have a weird thing about saliva being gross, and kissing is therefore more intimate than full on sex, imo.

For most people though, love, intimacy, and sex go hand in hand. So I don't think you're weird. I also think that for most WS, the affair isn't usually about the sex itself.

I had a couple of opportunities. One was with a co worker at a bar. We were both very drunk. She was pretty and had always been a little flirty with me. Her gloves came off at the bar. She kept rubbing her breasts on me and flat out propositioned me by mentioning how much she loved oral, and told me "I always return the favor." She wanted to meet at a park. Not gonna lie, I was kinda tempted, but I swear what stopped me was thinking about my wife. Not fear of what she might do, but how incredibly hurt she would be if I did something like that. I didn't go through with it because it just felt wrong, and I didn't want to hurt her. I really didn't want to hurt her. That's why I didn't do it.

Fuck me.

Am I super weird?

Possibly.

My ex & I separated five years ago (almost to the day). I haven't been on a single date since. Not one.

Sometimes I wonder if it's trauma related. I still find some women attractive. Sometimes I long for a romantic connection. Most of the time I think all women are a bit like a bug zapper - a pretty light surrounded by mortal voltage.

Sigh...

Sometimes I wonder if it's trauma related. I still find some women attractive. Sometimes I long for a romantic connection. Most of the time I think all women are a bit like a bug zapper - a pretty light surrounded by mortal voltage.

Sigh...

Brother my hunch is you loved.

That is hard to replace and difficult to give when it was made it bleed.

I had a similar reaction to having it hurt, didn’t want connecting because connection hurts.

But I did find women attractive so… Pokémon collection.

The point I did not want to see was that they are no bug zapper it was the one I chose to let go (speaking of the first girlfriend, first love and first cheating) that zapped me.

A lot of the girls later were likely very good picks to be partners for life. I didn’t want because I interpreted any flaw as a red flag, and in some cases they were really red flags 🚩 but the memory of pain your very body learns put all in the same tier. Is a bit of better safe than sorry wall.

Truth is safe girls don’t want to go through very long with a guy who is not committing to exclusivity, so they revealed themselves by stepping back. The true red flags didn’t truly care if I was meeting 20 others, it was jealousy and validation and trying to secure more time than the competition, but that’s low self worth at play, not mattering or longing for connection.

Red flags 🚩 from potential cheaters indicate self sabotage, our unsealed pain can also self sabotage us though. We may become a red flag 🚩 not as cheaters but as mistrustful people.

My self sabotage worked so I let myself open emotionally when I saw emotional fragility, as my past trauma wrongfully assumed fragility = kindness and kindness = love.

Partially true but fragility with the red flag 🚩 of low self worth = cheating.

We got scarred along the way and to avoid the pain again we unknowingly set up for failure with the next wayward.

But there’s plenty of good girls out there that are grounded, not a zapping risk.

I had opportunities with other men while I was married - subtle and not-so-subtle overtures a couple times at work - and I shut them down. I wasn't even remotely tempted. In one case, we had started to be friends, and I was so disgusted afterward that I stopped talking to him unless I had to for work.

I'm also the person who turns in the whole wallet, cash intact. :D

And your radar might just be healed now.

Let me be super direct. You are healthy high value woman.

When you are in a relationship you do attract some kind of men, the ones you don’t want.

Men will always hit on women, but when you hear "I have a boyfriend " even if you didn’t spot any ring, you back down if you are a man.

In other words if you like a woman you wish to conquer her because you respect her, and yes even a one night stand can show respect if you are upfront with her.

The moment I try to slide between you and your emotional connection there is active disrespect for you.

I choose to not give a shit you are a woman who can commit, who builds connection and invest herself in a bond. I just want to feel good in taking your pants off and "win" which is no win at all, is "making you lose" really.

But for low self worth guys that’s equate to winning a competition with treachery, because they don’t have the balls to compete with others openly.

They turn you into a loser. That’s disrespecting you, not just your man or your ring. You.

I can make you fall for me. (And you fall in the mud really)

You are a complication free fuck, because you will be wrestling with shame and your relationship so I can manage you with few lies and only take you when I want to use your body as a recipient to lighten the load.

Oh and I wouldn’t want you to form a connection with me by leaving your partner either. I am okay in having a cum dump that believes my bull and feeds me sex and validation. But I don’t want to be in the other guy’s shoes ever. you as a partner? Of course my dear, I am checking the rings. now on the knees and open wide…

There is no love, no kindness or respect in that, only the lie of a mirage to get you to fall if you are allowing yourself to believe in the lie.

(Shall I stress that I am not that guy and it was just my prose? I know you got it but am I going to be called again a cheater like in my just found outs? Nah well, I guess I don’t care. It’s unintentionally funny 😁 )

So no thanks, your vomit reaction is supercool, you smelled the poop and gagged.

You respect yourself and respect bonds.

It’s the best defense mechanism.

But we've been with other people in the course of our relationship and it wasn't a turn off. It was just fun. The way I see it, there is fucking and there is making love, with the latter being intimate, and the former, not necessarily.

Morbs you will likely not get it just yet but I am telling you this with affection because I can read through your mess and I spotted it few times:

i sense both you and your husband share traits or trauma that sets you up to become potential cheaters. I know he is the Bs, and I only get a feel for him through your posts, and this is not bashing the poor guy, I just have my spider sense telling me he is not closed towards infidelity.

What you said here is a narrative from the ghosts that allow infidelity to happen.

There’s definitely a difference between "fucking and making love". The "making love" will die though the moment the "fucking" steps outside the couple. You will still have the corpse in and it might even look fresh, but it’s embalmed, drained from its blood and life energy, because the "fucking outside " is truly a vampire for each other connection.

It’s true, you can have casual sex without investing much energy in those, and it’s a perfectly fine solution when you want a lonely life but a warm bed. But you Do have to put some energy into it, no matter how little, and the other party care for nothing but sucking it up more, as much as you allow it.

Is completely selfish so when you open up to selfishness (even if you put your own selfishness upfront) she doesn’t care if you care nothing from her and just want to take and not give (or give only the minimum entry ticket price).

She will take and you will have to pour energy to both prevent it from overstepping your limits in addition to the energy you put to access the dance floor.

That energy bleeds out from love, it’s instant anemia and a quick bleeding to death.

If you don’t protect the vital lymph from being siphoned out of your love, you are not spicing things up, your love is bleeding, and you are missing out.

It will not fill any void, it will open one deeper in what you once held dearest.

The story and narrative will soothe the ego well enough, but your innermost self, the child will feel it and now the truth.

This is coming from a guy that was likely an order of magnitude more promiscuous than you ever dreamed of being.

Again, Pokémon, gotta catch them all, but in the end is just emptiness.

Not scolding, it’s with affection for a troubled sister to see through chaos.

This is what missing out truly is.

She wanted to meet at a park. Not gonna lie, I was kinda tempted, but I swear what stopped me was thinking about my wife. Not fear of what she might do, but how incredibly hurt she would be if I did something like that. I didn't go through with it because it just felt wrong, and I didn't want to hurt her. I really didn't want to hurt her. That's why I didn't do it.

Fuck me.

Brother do you remember my poop example? (Yeah yesterday was poop day, I just went with the autocorrect and rolled with it)

Mixed workplace are an automatic red flag 🚩 we all have to face it.

It’s already forcing ourselves through that chain of choices that make you find in that room, far away from the appropriate place, all holding the poop.

Now you’re kind of stuck in relying only upon your moral and commitment, which is not ideal, not every time you will be in the best shape to hold it.

Access + familiarity is the building blocks to naturally ending up in bed with another person if they are attractive. Add highs and lows, you spend more time with them than with your wife, you find sometimes relying on for comfort… see where this goes?

You did well, you held it in or maybe popped your pants, but we need to keep our agency in our hands even when we are stuck in situations that already put us on a slippery slope by default.

Mixed workplaces is where many if not most affairs and infidelity happen.

Is by design and there’s actually nothing you can do about it other than change workplace, not feasible most times.

So you can ward yourself from our own nativity, we go in with high hopes and a positive mindset, blind to the snake nests we are stepping in.

You can perfectly do it and even enjoy the mixed place if you place strong boundaries so they will always hold even when they are pushed from colleagues or when you aren’t in top shape.

Because even if we can resist pooping on the floor out of sheer willpower, pooping our pants still sucks.

But hey you kept it in your pants, so it’s a success even if it wasn’t fun.

I think enough poop analogy in this thread, nothanks sorry sister I went a bit overboard.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 7:41 AM, Tuesday, June 23rd]

Not scared, not turned off, but like Bigger and Pogre, I don't want to betray myself, and I don't want to hurt my W.

But I can understand fear and disgust at the prospect of sex with someone other than one's chosen partner.