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It’s been 9 months since DD. From my perspective, things are better-ish from the initial shock of it all. I’m hardly ever spiraling. I still think of my actions in the quiet moments and think of what the future may hold - a mixture of positive and negative emotions. I know regardless everything will be okay in the sense that no matter the outcome - happiness and good health are possible. I know things will be different but I am not bound to live in purgatory forever.

I’m still in therapy. Probably will be for a long time. Had to find a new therapist though, one with more experience and guidance. My BS is also in therapy. I’ve been sober since DD too. Thank goodness for NA beers. The ritual of drinking a beer is completed without the alcohol. It’s such a stress reliever. I have not used porn for almost as much time. I didn’t have a problem at least not like I always imagined people having but I did use it more times than not to help with self pleasure and I believe that was the beginning of my downfall. I haven’t contacted AP either but it was an ONS so that wasn’t going to happen. I’m doing my best to be supportive and put in the work. But that’s not enough.

From my BS’s perspective, they are at a different point in their journey of recovery (as they will always be, being the victim). My perspective and theirs are rarely the same at this point - something thing I need to remind myself of daily. They are still constantly thinking about it. Unsure if they can ever move past the constant thoughts. Unsure if the spark will ever come back for us. They told me the saddest thing about this is that they cannot get giddy about me anymore. The pedestal has been removed. They struggle with whether they will ever see me as special again. That’s hard.

They too are putting in work. Therapy, communicating, giving us the time and space to figure this all out. They are determined. They said it’s a battle between head and heart. They forgive in their head but their heart is not there yet. Hate is a word that has been used sometimes, as in they hate me by the end of the day when they had time to fester. But in the same breath, they say they know I am not a bad person. It’s a weird place to be emotionally.

It’s early and patience is required. It’s a long road ahead. There are still a lot of emotions to feel, thoughts to be had, and work to be done. But I’m still here and still trying and I do have my health. My happiness will one day follow. It may not appear to be a positive update - but it is - we’re trying, every day, we’re trying and that’s a lot to be thankful for.

"They told me the saddest thing about this is that they cannot get giddy about me anymore. The pedestal has been removed. They struggle with whether they will ever see me as special again. That’s hard."

"Hate is a word that has been used sometimes, as in they hate me by the end of the day when they had time to fester. But in the same breath, they say they know I am not a bad person. It’s a weird place to be emotionally."

Not in the same exact words, but this is what my BS told me as well. Right now, I try not think about that too much, or I will probably spiral. So I put that "knowledge" aside and try to focus on what I can do now.

Thanks for sharing this: "

But I’m still here and still trying and I do have my health. My happiness will one day follow.

"

Bittersweet, yet it is positive.

Take care.

[This message edited by LonelyGuilty at 9:36 AM, Tuesday, June 23rd]

You just changed my mind.

I thought alcohol free beer was pointless but i missed that angle. Pretty cool. Thanks, I was superficial.

Now brother (getting it right this time ffs, I checked twice), I wrote a bit how it feels from the BS side to be betrayed in a visual way, that can make understandable why the devastation is so overwhelming.

That’s hard to understand until it befalls upon you.

But there is the thing.
You can do one better to yourself and become a different person, someone who would kick your old cheater self into the curb.

I feel you are on that path already, the way you speak about your old vices with a different attitude towards them, there is a note that sounds like "how could I ever liked that crap?" Instead of a "I miss those good times " prevalent in what you tell.

Your ego loved that because it believed that was what could bring you happiness. Your self hate it because know what sadness it brought to your life, and that didn’t truly made you happy or full filled either really, it just deluded your ego into believing that.

I sense this fight is going on and the ego is beginning to lose it (well it’s a loser so it always lose, but is taking hits).

Do I get it right?

You are beginning the transformation from worm to butterfly and you are entering the pupa phase.
Maybe ain’t the best analogy but in this case there is no connection between worm and cheater, your mind will pull it so I am underlying this time is not the case, is just figuratively easy to use.

Oh and tell he low self worth to fuck off if it says "yeah but I was a worm so… ", no. Your low self worth was what made you go there. You are rejecting that viscerally now, so low self worth is the worm pretending now to be the voice of conscience. So slap him one and tell it to shut it!

The worms are those who indulge in it and excuse it to stick with it, becoming defined by it. And they are driven by those same voices, ego, low self worth etc.

Tell them to F off and listen to your heart that is rejecting it.
That’s a friend.

Look BS to WS with no bullshit: it sucks, big time. Is no wonder that she is on the rollercoaster between love and hate, because she loved you and deeply hated the gashing wound you opened in her reality and most intimate attachment.

It’s hard to put yourself in her shoes because you have your own pain to face and she is leaking a cold, dark, scarier pain you can perceive, but intellectually you can figure how torn she is right now.

Is normal, that’s the trauma doing it’s thing, etching in your body the pain and emotional suffering so that you can never forget and will run away from any risk to face it again.
Survival mechanism. That’s why she is in permanent fight or flight mode.

But I tell you she can get out. Her body and nerve system will never forget, it can’t, just like you can’t turn back time. With no Bullshit, it’s the natural consequence of the choice.
You cut she bleeds. It’s normal, it’s ok, it means she is normal. Would be a problem if she wasn’t suffering.

The struggle you fear, can she ever see you as special again?
Yep, sure she can, once she heals and get down the rollercoaster and out of the fucking abyss, she might see you again as special.

If you will be there in a different presence. Healed, cleaned up and ready to offer her your arm after the ride.

Did you ever hear your woman telling you with "those eyes" you look different, through a shiny smile?
That’s when she sense your energy has change. For better.

Is she going to ever forget or forgive the ride? Not a chance, as long as she lives she will remember it and try to forget it. You just can’t (imagine you probably can’t forget your ONS too, makes sense right?).

But if you show up with a different energy than the guy who put her on the rollercoaster then, she’ll stop living as she is still on the ride.
Yes those memories don’t fade, but you don’t have to recall them if they are outshined by new and positive memories you create in the moment of now, with a new energy. That’s powerful and that’s special.

You can become special again. And if from time to time she’s remembering that other guy and calling him an asshole that she still hates, you may find that you agree you hate that guy too, is good he is gone.
hold her tight and remember that this is a new thing you both built, not the ashes that are left in the past.

She will heal, so you heal yourself and prepare to meet again.

Want some honey with this sugar?
Is corny as fuck but it is real, just keep building it, you started and you can do it.

One day at a time. Nine months is still so early, even though it feels like you’ve lived a lifetime since DD. That first year alone felt like a thousand lifetimes to me, each one heavy, each one different. The quiet moments, the mix of hope and dread, the awareness that nothing will ever go back to what it was… it’s a lot for any nervous system to hold. But there is something on the other side of this, even if you can’t see it yet. Hang in there.

Your BS’s experience… it’s heartbreaking to read, and I know it’s even harder to witness up close. That "head vs. heart" place is one of the most painful stages for both people. The push‑pull, the "I know you’re not a bad person" followed by "I hate you" that’s grief. Deep, disorienting, betrayal trauma grief. It colors everything. It rewires the nervous system. It makes the world feel unsafe, even when they desperately want to feel close to you.

They’re mourning the walking dead, the version of you they thought they had, the relationship they believed in. That kind of mourning is messy and nonlinear. It doesn’t mean they won’t ever see you clearly again, it just means they’re still in the middle of the storm.

And you’re right, your timelines will never match. They can’t. As hard as that is, the work is meeting them where they are, not where you wish they were. Genuine reassurance goes farther than you think. It’s medicine for a heart that’s been cracked open. Give it freely, give it often, give it without keeping score.

Speaking of giving.. are you giving yourself enough credit for your sobriety? Fornthe work you are doing? Because that shit matters. It’s not a footnote. It’s a foundation. It’s one of the clearest signs of someone choosing to rebuild themselves from the inside out.You’re doing the work. You’re staying present. You’re choosing the harder path even without guarantees. That’s not nothing, that’s the beginning of becoming someone you can trust again. It's ok to take pride in the person you are becoming.