SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello, thank you for taking the time to read and respond to this.

It’s been 9 weeks since the final D Day. I have more details in my profile as well.
My BH (betrayed husband) hasn’t been talking to me at all. It’s been a week since I’d been messaging him good morning, good night, and logistics. He doesn’t respond. I’ve stopped all the silly messages just yesterday.

We’re on week 6 of an affair recovery program but he was very adamant that he wanted to do it for closure. I wanted him to keep an open mind but he said no. A friend of his also encouraged him to do the program for his own healing. But he stopped after just 4 weeks. He didn’t attend the 5th meeting and today is the 6th.

I’m struggling. We own a home and two pets together. We’re still living together. But I feel paralyzed and frozen.

I just want to talk to him and hug him and comfort him.

What can I do to help him heal?
What things helped your betrayed spouse feel safe again?
I want us to rebuild so badly 😔 I miss him.

Hiya, 9 weeks is very very early.

I understand the "paralysing" feeling. It’s tough.
Please read the articles in the "healing library" on this forum, they will help give you a better understanding on what is going on.

I would also recommend reading (as soon as you can):

- how to help your spouse, by Linda Macdonald
- Not just friends, by Shirley Glass

I know it’s tough, but unless your husband clearly tells you he doesn’t wish to talk, try to engage with him. Do whatever you can for him at this point.

He will be deeply hurting. Infidelity causes real trauma. Trickling the truth is another layer of trauma, and can do so much damage (I trickled the truth as well, I wish with all my heart I didn’t).

Take care and keep posting

Focus on your recovery.

Let him know you're available to talk if he wants to and that you're working on yourself so this doesn't happen again.

And then just give him space.

thank you for your responses.
i've read "how to help your spouse heal from your affair" and i'm working on "not just friends" right now.
honestly, it's hard to get through because it feels like it's written assuming both parties want to reconcile. i've been feeling very sad and jealous of other couples who are willing to try and rebuild. i'm happy for them of course, i just wish it for myself.

today, he told me he only wants to talk about the pets and the house. so i'm feeling very hopeless, that we'll never be able to reconcile. :(( i'm working on myself and focusing on myself but i truly don't know what else i can do.

it's hard to get through because it feels like it's written assuming both parties want to reconcile.

I feel you.
I found both books helpful, but their description of the role of the BS was a bit unrealistic (in my opinion).

I found the reality way harsher.

Keep showing up for your BS. Keep healing.

Take care

One of the hardest things to do in the early stages is to let go of the outcome of the marriage (divorce vs. recovery.) I don't mean to sound harsh or judgemental, because we're all WS here, but you have been selfish with your infidelity; it's time to accept that the consequences of your actions are that the relationship has been severely damaged, possibly beyond repair, and he is now processing the betrayal trauma and deciding whether he would be better off staying or leaving. You must put his wellbeing first now, and trust that his decision is what's best for his healing even if it's hard for you to bear.

Whatever ends up happening, do your best to fix yourself and make amends so that you can say that you gave it your all. You'll either reconcile or you won't, but at least you'll know it wasn't for lack of trying if the marriage ends.

Definitely the most important first step is to stop lying. Until the lying stops, nothing gets better, and everything continues to get worse.

Thank you all.

I'm still learning how to navigate this platform so I don't know how to reply to your individual responses.

@LonelyGuilt - I agree. Reality is much harsher. Thank you, I will keep showing up for him.

@GotTheMorbs - You're right. I do need to attach from the outcome. I understand that he has complete autonomy to decide whether or not he wants to continue this marriage. I need to learn to stop emotionally flooding when he says he's unsure or when he says he wants things to be amicable.

@Pippin - thanks for the input. Yes, I haven't lied since the final D Day.

I have a follow up update if anyone might have any input. Last night he told me that he only wants to discuss "official" things such as our home and our pets. He says he wants things to be as amicable as possible. He only wants to discuss logistics. He didn't mention if he's still wanting to separate. I will respect his boundary to only speak of logistics. However, I'm curious to know if you've experienced something similar? Did your BS come around after some time and started talking to you more?

We have our next couple's session tomorrow morning. I wanted to ask him if it's possible for him to turn his location back on during the session purely for safety reasons. I have so many apologies that I've still been wanting to make.

I'd been messaging him my apologies and reflections, but now that he has requested only logistical correspondence, I don't know what to do with the things I want to say to him. I will still journal regardless. I'd appreciate input or advice as well, thank you.