SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

DDay was 3 weeks ago.

I would like to take share what happened but first preface this with how incredible my fiance has been to me since the day I met him. A year after we met, he moved across the country with me to support me through my studies. He gave me a generous amount of money and paid for rent as it was my first time living away from home and starting a new program, he wanted me to have zero stress and to just focus on my studies. He supported me, loved on me, laughed with me, held me while I cried. He has been my very best friend. Throughout being together for 6 years, he has never failed to compromise where necessary for our relationship. I told him I was sad I didn't receive flowers on valentines day and he has since bought me flowers once a month for over a year, never missing a month. He works from home and I would study at home so we are always together, open phone policy and all. I never worried about him, he treats his family and my family with so much love. He has ALWAYS put me first. I made a shirt for him with my name and face on it and he wears it in public for my birthday and valentines day. He is genuinely proud to be my partner. I could go on and on... to paint the picture of the loving man I have been with for 6 years.

We got engaged this year and I would share how he planned it but I worry someone would be able to figure out who I am. In short, he took me on a dream trip and made my wishes come true and proposed to me at the end. I am so grateful..

Fast forward to this summer and we go on a trip and I invite my friend to stay with us for a week because I haven't seen her in a year. She is flirty with everyone, I once even told my fiance I felt she was blurrying the line with him and he said to not worry. I was so insecure but she charmed me and I stayed friends with her. I knew she has a habit of inserting herself in peoples relationships and finds enjoyment out of it. I feel so naive for what happens next..

I have insomnia so in the apartment I decided to have them sleep separately in the living room while I slept in the bedroom because it is darker in there. I instantly regretted this because I started to hear them giggle and laugh to themselves before bed. I assured myself that my fiance would never cross a line. However, over the course of the week they would flirt in front of me but I still reassured myself that my partner, who loves me so much, would never actually cross a line. However, over time I noticed he really started to gravitate towards her and ignore me.

This is when I tried to separate them without stating my true feelings. I asked him to sleep with me in the single bed and he said no, that we'd both be uncomfortable. I asked him if i should switch with her and he said he didn't think that would be a good idea because it's too bright in the living room and i would sleep poorly. I asked him to put the air mattress in my bedroom so he could sleep next to me and he was about to move it but he seemed annoyed and said he doubt it'd fit - so i said nevermind.

She finally leaves and flies back home and I find the texts on his phone. He replied to a photo of hers saying she was the most beautiful girl in the room and sent a second flirty text after that. My suspicions were right. Something was going on each night I went to sleep.

He told me everything. He said the second last night he initiated the conversation before bed that there was clearly a connection between them and they discussed what they had been noticing between each other. Then the next night, the last night, he initiated it again but this time held her hand and caressed her leg. He proceeded to tell her everything about our relationship because he was confused why he was doing this and was trying to "sort through his feelings" by confessing them to her. Awful.

He knew that she destroys relationships, flirts with taken men, has zero boundaries and is a selfish person. She gave him attention and he completely went for it. Despite how much he loves me.

There are so many things to reflect on. The night he crossed into emotional and physical territory, I told him i was proud to have chosen him as my life partner. I said that because I noticed he was distant and I had a feeling it was because of her. I was desperately trying to get him back down to reality. To shake him. And then hours later he does that.

He deeply regrets it, he hate himself, he admitted everything, his story aligned with hers. He's given me a second phone that's synced with his, he's set up cameras in the living room, he's given me all his passwords. He's filled with regret, shame, he's cried and said he's ruined his life over nothing. He sent her a no contact text. He is going to tell his parents what he did. He reads any links I send him and bought a book I asked him to read. He apologizes and listens. He says she didn't mean anything, he liked her attention and he felt insecure from the issues of our relationship and he felt relief. He has been so remorseful, he knows what a horrible person she is and he didn't stop himself. He hates how much pain he's caused me. Every day we talk for hours and hours in depth about everything and he doesn't shy away. We have had the deepest conversations we've ever had in the last 3 weeks than we have in 6 years.

I'm disgusted and horrified that they spent a whole day in front of me pretending. I feel horrified that this person whos loved me so much did that behind my back. Knowing how insecure she made me. I am SO mad at myself for being SO trusting and allowing them to sleep in the same room (wtf was i thinking?!?!?!!?). I am so angry that the same day she left and messaged her that she's beautiful, he also had sex with me. He really compartmentalized everything so well. He was so confident in lying to me. He really, really did all of that to me...

He is paying for my therapy and I have my second session today. He is starting therapy this week himself. He can't understand how he could have allowed himself to destroy a beautiful partnership for a vile person out of his own selfish needs. I am so heartbroken.

I don't know what I am looking for right now, I just want my safety back with him. I miss him so much and he hasn't gone anywhere. He's by my side but my person wouldn't have done this, yet he did.

Clearly the opportunity to cheat presented it itself and he took it. He failed the test and it broke us both. While his actions for 6 years have shown how deeply he loves me, I have a really hard time looking at him with the same love and warmth anymore. I feel ice cold and numb and while I want to believe we have a brighter future, I am afraid that the love and adoration I once felt is gone for good. The contrast between the loving person who was fiercely loyal and proud to be with me then betraying me with the one and only woman i was ever jealous of is brutal. It's clear he didn't care for her and was just high off the adrenaline of secrecy and attention. He has high standards and she's bottom of the barrel... that's what makes this so disappointing. While she is a fun person, she has horrible morals and he stooped to her level. I wish I cut her off years ago.. what does that say about me?

Lastly: This is incredibly difficult for me to write about because I feel a lot of shame, embarrassment and guilt. I put them next to each other, I always knew that she had bad intentions but I chose to ignore them. I fell for her charm thinking she really cared for me as a close friend and that she wouldn't be gross. I ignored my intuition and didn't fully speak up for myself. I feel deep, deep embarrassment for putting too much trust in a woman who showed me who she is and for not speaking my feelings to my fiance. I could have said ANYTHING in those 5 days and it's hard not feeling responsible. I just watched it happen and I should have just said something. I am so angry with myself. A brutal life lesson to learn to speak up and trust your gut.

[This message edited by funnything at 7:55 PM, Monday, September 21st]

Hi, welcome to SI, I am so sorry your fiance cheated.

Please understand none of this is YOUR fault.

Your fiance is taking the right steps to fix his devastating actions, all of us here can certainly understand that you no longer trust him or feel safe with him.

Gently, it doesn't matter if she was flirtatious or intruded in other relationships, the fact is your fiance chose to cheat, there were so many other options, he could have moved back into the room, he could have told her he is loyal and engaged, he could have informed you about the conversations that were inappropriate, any of those paths would have ended it. BUT he chose to engage in inappropriate conversations and cheat, that's on him. He made the commitment to you.

Honestly, if you were my daughter, I would advise you to postpone the wedding. He failed at being a loyal fiance despite his treatment of you. Most betrayeds on this site had what they thought was a doting spouse/partner, etc, only to find out the person they trusted the most betrayed them behind their back.

The consensus here is that it takes 2-5 years to heal, there's no turning back the clock before his betrayal, he has proven himself untrustworthy.

Can he gain your trust back, absolutely, but it is going to take time, lots of hard work, an emotional roller coaster for sure.

Please check out the Healing Library, chock full of great articles.

I share everything Ann said.

Sister no matter how flirtatious a woman is, to pursue her is a choice that is intentionally made.
Validation, dopamine from conscious betrayal, pleasure in keeping the charade in front of you.

She is bad. But he is not better.

Seriously he is not a safe partner. Don’t make the mistake to marry.
If you still have feelings for him, you will both need a long time to heal from this.
You shouldn’t marry a cheater, until he is broken he is not a safe partner.

He need to own this and regret, doing a huge work to radically change.
It doesn’t matter if there was not physical intercourse, the damage is the same because the root cause is the same.

And you will suffer the same.

Put yourself first and set your boundaries with clarity.

Agree with the other posters here. To try and answer your title question, I'm just speculating, but perhaps he has low self esteem and, coupled with a rather predatory female...he failed the boyfriend test. I wonder too if you might have "allowed" the situation to play out as some kind of quiet test of his loyalty, and if so, I sure wouldn't beat myself up for that. Your gut was warning you about her and perhaps you wanted to see if he had enough integrity, maturity and backbone to withstand her advances...and he didn't. This is why he "failed the BF test."

So please don't overlook what happened or put all the blame on her - or yourself. Married life would have many temptations and situations he would need to be able to withstand.

I'm so sorry.

The general rule of thumb for recovering from betrayal trauma is 2 to 5 years. That's a general rule, but there are always some outliers. Some recover sooner and some take longer, but it's not something a person brushes off or gets over in a few weeks or a couple of months.

I think you should make sure that your healing (and his - he has issues to address as well) is addressed before going through with a long term commitment like marriage. Don't rug sweep this. You don't want to be back here 1, 2 or 5 years later with deeper financial entanglements and children involved kicking yourself for not heeding the warning signs or properly dealing with this.

If you want to try and salvage your relationship, take your time and deal with it head on. Don't try to rush it, and do not try to sweep it under the rug and pretend it didn't happen. That's going to take time. Give yourselves enough time to make sure this is what you want. You will almost certainly regret it down the road if you don't. We've had people show up here 30 years later with unresolved trauma.

I'm sorry you've found yourself here and dealing with this, but were a pretty good bunch who understand what you're going through. This is not your fault whatsoever. It sounds like your (ex) friend might be predatory, but he's the one who made the decisions to go along with it. He had outs. Many of them. This is solely on his shoulders, not yours.

Hang in there and keep posting. Ask any questions you want or just use us to vent to if you need it. Just writing it all out and talking to people who understand helped me a lot.

[This message edited by Pogre at 1:38 AM, Tuesday, September 22nd]

I realize that in my original post I put a lot of the blame on her. That is my mistake and I didn’t intend to, my fiance is 100% to blame. He was the one who initiated the conversations before bed. He called out her flirting because he enjoyed it and wanted to see her response and then he took it to the next level.

I told him that she was never going to make a move, and that hurts so much because he was the one who made everything a reality - not her. He didn’t find himself in a scandalous situation, he was the one who made it. Apologies for not making that clear.

I had him write her a NC text and although he hates her, he felt uncomfortable saying anything bad towards her since he’s the one fully to blame. I respect this, but part of me wishes he was rude to her rather than matter of fact and neutral. But I understand he didn’t want to be a hypocrite since only he is at fault.

Marriage is off the table right now, we were supposed to start wedding planning these next few weeks but I haven’t even seen my ring since DDay. He has it hidden somewhere.

This is not a relationship built for marriage as it stands. We’re taking it day by day but I am very scared of the outcome. I had my first EMDR session today and it was interesting to say the least. I cannot imagine a wedding right now. Im so gutted.

I know you’re heartbroken. I’m so sorry.

If you were my daughter, I would repeat the cliche: run, don’t walk, run.

Fortunately you’re still young and haven’t given decades only to face this.

As far as your girlfriend, this is not your friend, she is your enemy. She is a predator. End it with her.

IC is an excellent idea because it helps us decipher how to identify people who are truly worthy of our trust and love, and those who are not.

Elica,

Do you think reconciliation is possible? He has shown that he is remorseful and has taken the steps possible to start trying to build trust. He knows it can take years and is fully prepared for that.

I truthfully don’t want to leave him because we had such a beautiful life together and a very bright future. At least at the moment I don’t want to.. I know in 1 year from now I may change my mind or in 5 years from now we could be very happy. I want to remain hopeful..

And she is definitely not my friend. Blocked on everything but also I deleted all social media the day it happened. I did call her to ask for her side of things and I did not hold back how I felt about her.

[This message edited by funnything at 4:13 AM, Tuesday, September 22nd]

When I read your story, I tried to put myself in your shoes, and figure out what I might have felt. So when you were beating yourself up a bit for allowing those sleeping arrangements, etc., I just thought: But, wouldn't I want my beloved, my betrothed partner to consider "us" a circle that includes just me and him before he lets anybody else in? So, is my BF that man, or isn't he? Clearly SHE can be the type to put a guy to the test...

You sensed that about her, but as you didn't make a big deal about his refusal to join you, I'm just thinking it could be due to the unspoken desire in your heart to seek an answer to that loyalty question above before you make a permanent, life-altering commitment. Because I would want to know that. Most women would; most people would! If love is freely given, one should not have to erect fences around one's beloved just to keep them choosing you. So I can see exactly why you didn't want to beg him to make the right choice. You are better than that. And he should have had that opinion of you. That was my point.

Based on what you have said so far, yes, reconciliation certainly is possible for the two of you.

But it does take time as this kind of breach of trust is deep. It’s primal. There are stages to go through and triggers you will face which take you right back emotionally to the feelings of betrayal you experienced. That’s painful because it means you relive the betrayal, it’s PTSD. It’s hard to experience for you and for him too because he’s going to have to understand his job for a while is to make you feel secure again. Will he have the stamina to reassure you when you need it?

IC is a really good idea for you regardless of whether you stay with him because the feelings of betrayal will follow you in future relationships too. He really did a lot of damage that way and probably doesn’t realize it, and maybe you don’t either but you need to do it for yourself so you can trust again. Trust is fundamental to our relationships.

He should be in IC too. What is it in him which compelled him to put his future with you on the chopping block?

OK, people do stupid things and make stupid mistakes. But he went so far. Why?

Always trust his actions, not his words.

You shouldn’t feel triggered every time you introduce your husband to a new girlfriend. Or if you have kids and introduce him to a mom in the class. Or if you’re in a down time in your life be afraid he might do something "stupid" like now because he has shown his judgement is questionable. You need to be able to rely on him just like he can rely on you and you deserve to feel secure.

He needs to regain your trust. If he does the work, absolutely you can reconcile.

I'm glad you removed your "girlfriend" from your life.

Superesse,

I think you are right... maybe somewhere deep down I really desired him to show me just how far his loyalty lies. I didn't think about it deeply at the time, I genuinely thought there is no universe where he would cross a line. He's been madly in love with me the second he met me and loud about it for everyone to see without any shame. I just did not see this coming. I am falling so hard from reality because we were in a really good place.

The morning after their first night time conversation I laid down in the living room with them and I looked at my "friend" and my fiance and said "how would you describe mine and X's relationship?" and the energy in the room shifted. Usually she is so quick to compliment us and tell us how inspirational our relationship is but she looked at my fiance and then back at me... stumbled over her words and awkwardly answered my question. I then turned to my fiance and said "how would you describe it?" and he also stumbled over his words. Looking back now, they must have felt so put off because the night before they had just talked about "their connection". I can only imagine how stupid and shameful they felt that they knew something I didn't. Isn't that insane? I think I was marking my territory that morning by asking that - but it didn't work. I am so sad for the girl that experienced the rejection, paranoia and heartbreak that week. I cry all the time. I just knew something was wrong. I hate that they exchanged looks in secrecy. I replay that week over and over and over. There were so many moments where I could tell his mind was somewhere else and I knew it was about her but I would have never imagined the extent. Such a gross, violating feeling. I signed up for a relationship with 2 people... not 3, the third being a shitty "friend" that we've both always said was very shady in relationships. Someone we've BOTH kept an eye on cause she's screwed over 2 of our friends. W i l d.

The morning she left I noticed he gave her a half-hearted hug and I thought that was weird too. He was quick to say bye and didn't let it linger. I thought that was a bit strange. It didn't stop him from messaging her she's beautiful later that day though... Yet he says he felt very relieved once she left but he still continued flirting when she was gone? I just can't imagine what went through his head. How he could look at me afterwards for that full day. Thank god I read those texts when I opened his phone.

I don't know where I'm going with this, I just miss him and I miss the relationship we had. I miss laughing with him. I wish he never did this to us. Every time he says he wishes he could go back in time I just want to shrivel up and cry. The right decision was in front of him the entire time but instead he chose the one that blew up his life.

Elica,

Seems like we have a very long, hard road to *maybe* get to a positive place... maybe. I can't believe he risked everything we've worked hard to build between us for 2 nights of fake attention from an awful human being. It really, really blows my mind. It's so out of character, he keeps saying he doesn't understand the person he is. He's never cheated on anyone before and he wants to learn through therapy what was going on inside him that lead him to have such bad judgement.

So far his actions have been good, between him deciding to go to therapy on his own and following through, installing cameras, giving me a second phone. Also doing small things around the apartment that he promised he'd do.

What's awful is that he's always been a loving person that follows through on promises, so I don't know what judgement to trust from my end. He's always been solid, he's always kept his promises, he's never hid his phone etc. So what's different now? I'm having a tough time because he is being just as loving now as I would've expected him to be, because that is who he is and always has been.. except for the week with my "friend". I feel like I lost all my senses to trust what's in front of me.

I’m on the East Coast so I have to go to bed!

But everything you say and your questions about him and what it means, the feeling of your posts, are so familiar to me.

You are in a crisis and that expression, "take one day at a time", take it literally. This thing has a life of its own, you cant rush the answers so don’t. I know you’re not going to walk away from your relationship, so knowing the emergency is over, slow down and step into stride. I know you don’t want to be here. But trust me, clarity does come. Preserve your mental health. Things will settle.

"… he wants to learn through therapy what was going on inside him that lead him to have such bad judgement." Good idea. Something is going on he chose to reveal only after you got engaged.

What is his family background? It’s along shot but sometimes we repeat family patterns.

Elica,

There was cheating in his parents marriage, but there was in my parents marriage as well. His parents are very happily married though, they love each other deeply and the connection between each other is undeniable. They're like little kids all the time, they look at each other intently and lovingly, hold hands, laugh, do everything together. Ever since I met him he has always said that his parents are his inspiration for love. The last few weeks he says his parents give him hope that we can get through this as well.

For me, I had a horrible outlook on marriage cause my parents were total opposite. My mom hates my dad for what he did, it deeply traumatized her and to this day he's not a good husband to her. I feel less optimistic maybe because of that.

I really do need to take it slow. I am starting to self-sabotage with my anger and taking it out on him and he's starting to get frustrated, rightfully so. He's still a person and I need to calm down and rage less. One day at a time, like you've said.

Sister couple of things that I see, they are red flags 🚩 I see about yourself driving towards being gutted worse than you are now.

Feel it or ignore them, but I see the kind of limerence for your wayward I had when I was betrayed.

And I wish nobody to repeat my journey, I denied so hard that I never had therapy and I had to face it alone.

Similar situation, we weren’t married then and we married years later.

18 years of annihilation and I see you started rolling down that slope.

It doesn’t work unless you are both truly healed and you have acceptance of the reality and ironclad boundaries.

And still it might not work, what you are experiencing is trauma from sexual and emotional abuse and the damage to your body and mind is very similar to other kind of sexual and emotional abuses, is not unlike rape, psycho narcissist manipulation etc.

You might end up thinking you are functioning while in the truth become a ghost, eaten by ghosts for a very long time, if not for the rest of your life.

So here is the thing. You have a deep attachment and you seem like a loving woman. All what you say seem your attachment played against you making you limerent on a connection you thought you had with this guy, and now that the trust was broken and you were betrayed, the pain of realizing it wasn’t real makes you refuge in the fantasy.

It was real, special, it was a test, we are destined …. All those kind of things are a reaction of your loving energy fighting the horror with denial, because the truth of accepting who he really is is just too painful to consider.

Mind you, trying to be gentle here without telling you fairy tales though, that you have this loving energy and the desire for true and deep connection is nothing bad, it’s a beautiful thing actually.

Being a loving person means you are capable of loving yourself. That’s healthy and nourishing for everyone who is close to you in your life, including yourself.

But if that emotional energy is directed and channeled into a cheating partner, is not only wasted, it will be destroyed and corrupted. A cheater is like a vampire for that emotional energy, but doesn’t reciprocate in kind, it only feeds of its validation potential for their broken ego, and they are bottomless, it will never be enough.

You simply cannot love someone out of being a cheater.

The only one who can end the cheater, is the very person who allowed themselves into becoming one.

And it all starts with accepting their deep flaws and confronting them.

Which is true for any character flaw and issue of any kind. However cheating is escapism, it’s a coping mechanism for the flawed person to run away from their own shadows. This makes it harder for such person to gather enough courage to confront their ghosts and kill them for good, the act who will put the cheater (the ego they lived with until now) into the grave and allow them to start living without that mask, learningfinally to love themselves and others.

Understand a cheater is someone used to react by running away into fantasyland to soothe their very own inside void.

You can’t fill a bottomless pit, no matter how much love you pour in.

The trauma you suffered is deep, is called the attachment wound.

It’s likely making you feel this:

I am not chosen. I am not enough. I am replaceable.

Hits your primordial level of human connection, corrupts every kind of connection you ever had, have or will have, and destroys your self worth.

You must heal this. There’s a ton of bad things that can steam from this unsealed wound, everyone likely to make you spiral slowly but surely into the darkest abyss a human can experience.

You need to get to the point where you will feel again that you are you, and that is already enough, irreplaceable and you deserve to be loved as you can love yourself.

You are the prize, not the cheater.

I know it’s easier said than done, but you can get there. It all begins with surrender as in acceptance of what you are living. No fantasies, no projections.

The betrayed partner heals the betrayed partner.

That’s paramount.

If the wayward partner ever decides to heal the wayward partner, they can change from cheaters to safe partner.

If those two factors are in place, then and only then, reconciliation might be possible. It’s not guaranteed, because you can’t really heal the relationship, the old one is dead.

But you could try to build something new.

Nobody ever reconciled with a cheater. They reconciled with someone who has become a better version of themselves.

I know this is hard to swallow right now, if it feels to painful right now skip it. But it might become of use later in time while you process the trauma and collect the pieces of your shattered self.

Second, what is likely going to happen from here. He is not remorseful, he is likely just ashamed.

Shame and remorse are two very different beasts.

Remorse is "how I could ever do this horrible thing? I am disgusted with myself. This is not who I am and I I’ll fight my ghosts to make sure such horror will never ever repeat. I want to be better. I reject this from my innermost self "

Shame is " oh crap, they caught me in the act and I have a spotlight on. I need to find a way to distract the attention so they don’t see what I am, what like to do and my reputation stays intact "

Very, very different beasts.

One comes from empathy.

The other from selfishness.

Question for you: why do you think he is remorseful? What are the clues and behaviors that make you think so?

Remorse and shame can both be felt, but their vibes are very different.

And a wounded attachment really hopes wholeheartedly that the shame they see is in truth remorse. It’s normal, we all went through this.

It can bring you to perform the pick me dance (which it never works).

As gently as I can because this next one is brutal, but I want to give you hope and strength, not illusions:

You said he stopped at the emotional betrayal and there was no sexual intercourse (as far as you know, but trickle truths are a landmine that you will face), because "he stopped himself"

This may be true or may be a lie.

Truth is, it doesn’t matter. Sexual intercourse in betrayals add aggravations to the betrayed like health risks from std or affair babies.

But in reality, it doesn’t change a bit from the betrayal itself. The wound is identical and there is no difference between the full fledged orgy with dozens of people and the moment when the desire for adultery simply pops up in the cheater’s mind for the first time.

They are all at the same level. Betrayal is betrayal. The way the betrayer choose to abuse is only a variation on the same song.

What this likely does in his mind, is testing his restraints:

-I am a good person I would never do this to my woman.

- See? I stopped in time, this was innocent.

- Oh she is willing to forgive me.

-She did forgive me after all, that means it wasn’t too bad, I should stop torturing myself with shame.

-That was kind of nice, and since it is innocent there is no harm to indulge in it from time to time.

-Oh this new girl flirting with me makes me feel better. No harm in playing along.

- she sure is texting me a lot, but is just innocent messages, no harm in responding back when I am unseen.

-This is getting daily, but hey, I know I can stop when I want, there is no harm, this is just a little thing just for myself. Nobody will get hurt.

-I should find ways to make more time to get a fix of my little personal thing, maybe some overtime work excuse or a business trip. After all I deserve this.

-Oh well, we kissed but it wasn’t anything serious. After all nobody knows about this. If eye’s don’t see, She will not feel hurt. I am not betraying her, this is just fun.

- it’s not cheating if we only kiss and touch.

-it is not cheating if we only use hands

-It is not cheating if it was only a blowjob

-It’s not cheating if we used condom.

-It’s not cheating if it was just the tip.

-Is not cheating if I finish outside.

-Is not cheating if I don’t get her pregnant.

- it’s not cheating if I keep coming back to my wife

And so on…

This is called a slippery slope and paired with Lowe self worth and validation dopamine feedback loop, makes people junkies and addicted to infidelity.

It doesn’t mean he has no feelings for you, what it means is that he is deeply broken.

When you cross a boundary once, crossing the next becomes easier, because you are gradually breaking your moral compass.

It will only accelerate, then it becomes just routine. His ego will be soothed, you will be destroyed in your most intimate self.

The shame he will feel will not stop him, He will just learn to cheat and compartmentalize.

Parallel lives, a living Ina fantasy framed with a weave of lies.

All because low self worth gets soothed by external validation and addicted to dopamine.

And soon he will not think twice to step over you bleeding screaming corpse to get his fix of this drug.

Cheaters only understand consequences.

You do really love him (or loved him?)?

Then set your boundaries.

Accept what happened and the abuse you suffered.

Don’t try to love him out of being a cheater. You can’t.

He needs to find the pride and self love to spit that version of himself to the floor and kill it.

Only he can choose that. If he has or grows a pair.

What you can do is love yourself sister.

Put yourself first.

Uphold your boundaries.

You are the prize.

He is right now, just broken.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 11:06 AM, Tuesday, September 22nd]

I am going to suggest that you not make any decisions 3 weeks after Dday.

Don’t commit to staying together or leaving him. It’s just too soon and you are not emotionally prepared to really know what you want or what is the "right" decision.

I hope you are getting some individual counseling too. Someone to support you through this trauma.

You have to reconcile with yourself first. That means accepting your fiancé made a terrible decision to cheat on you — basically right in front of you. You see, this was not a one-time decision — he dismissed you every time you tried to set a boundary. He wanted to do this. Again and again.

Then reality set in and he feels ashamed and everything else b/c he knows what he did might be the end of your relationship. However — he cannot have any expectations that you will continue to be in a relationship w/ him.

All I am saying is that you need time to heal and accept the reality of this situation. You will see your fiancé in a whole different light from Dday moving forward.

For some people cheating is a dealbreaker. You may be one of those people. Months from now you may decide to change your mind and end the relationship. You may decide there is nothing he can do that will make you want to marry him someday.

You need time to sort through this. And I strongly suggest counseling for you. It will help you tremendously.

I have not read through all of the responses and I'm sure what I will say others have already said

When we love someone we trust them and we trust that they will honor and respect that trust. Theoretically a committed couple should have no problem with their partner being alone with someone of the opposite sex, and when I was younger I naively believed this.

I was dating a phenomenally hot girl named Deanna when I was about 23. I was definitely kicking outside my coverage. I had a very good friend named Phil who I had known for years. One day both of them were in my apartment so I introduced them to each other. Phil asked Deanna where do you work and she said downtown and he said so do I, maybe we could have lunch one day.

Now in hindsight that was a huge red flag but I never thought my girlfriend and my "good" friend would ever do anything to hurt me. I believed them having lunch was innocent. I trusted them, as I should have been able to.

So one day I have a really bad day at work and I get home around 8pm. Now normally Deanna was in my apartment as she had a key and she slept there every night as well, but she wasn't there. So I checked my answering machine and there was a message from her saying she had a really rough day at work and she didn't want to just sit around the apartment, so she is at a bar with Phil, and that's when the light bulb went off. I paged him, she called me back, I said what the hell is going on? You have a bad day at work and instead of waiting for me you decide to go to a bar with Phil?!

She replies back with if you are going to get pissy with me I'll sleep at my own place tonight to which I replied you go right ahead, and I hung up. Now if this was all innocent you would expect Phil to be calling me moments later, but he didn't, and this only reaffirmed my suspicions. In fact, it was 3 months later when he sent me an invitation to his annual birthday bash and on the invitation he wrote hey I hope you don't think there was anything going on between Deanna and me.

The point of my rambling is that you are not a fool. You trusted your fiance and your friend and you should have been able to, but they took advantage of your trust for their own selfish reasons. Hopefully you have permanently removed her from your life because quite honestly she is a POS

Now it does sound like your fiance is truly remorseful. It sounds like he is doing all of the right things to try and repair the relationship. Can the relationship be repaired? Maybe. Will you ever be able to trust him like you did before? Maybe, maybe not. What you can never do is forget. What he did will always be part of the relationship so the question you need to answer, one day, is can you see yourself trusting him to the level necessary for a committed relationship

I strongly recommend canceling the wedding plans. You do not need that pressure while dealing with the infidelity. Please do not feel pressured to continue with the engagement just because. If you get married without complete R I see problems down the road.

From what I have learned from this forum is it takes between two and three years on average to just process through the trauma of discovering infidelity and it's years beyond that slowly rebuilding trust. I am about 29 months out from D-Day and I do not know if I will ever be able to trust my wife to the level I feel is necessary to continue the relationship. What I have accepted is that I will never implicitly trust her again, that ability has been permanently destroyed in me

You are 3 weeks out from D-Day. Right now your brain is still in shock. You do not need to make any long-term decisions right now. I suggest you just focus on taking care of yourself. Do whatever you need to feel better. Talk to whomever you want if it will make you feel better. I called my oldest brother minutes after reading my wife's messages to her AP and he helped me keep it together because I was totally gutted. The best way I can describe it is I felt absolutely empty inside. 27 years of trust, more than half my life, evaporated in 30 seconds. What made it worse was when I confronted my wife she had zero empathy. She dismissed it as harmless flirting. She said I have not crossed any lines, you are making this into something bigger than what it is, basically telling me that I was over reacting. I was a babbling train wreck and she just coldly sat there with her arms folded shooting daggers at me with her eyes. After an hour conversation all I got out of her was I'm sorry this upsets you. The next morning she was still angry at me for ruining her fun little secret. That afternoon when she came home from work I said I need time to think and I cannot do that bumping into you and I refuse to spend all weekend staring at the ground. There is a suitcase upstairs, I cannot make you leave, but I need you to leave so please leave. She stared at me for a few seconds, walked upstairs, pack the bag, came downstairs and said something to the two older boys, walked into the kitchen and said I'm leaving and I just said okay

For all I knew she was going to drive to a hotel and text her AP with the address. When we met two days later I was prepared to say we are divorcing if she will still dismissive and unrepentive. But she was the exact opposite and here we are 29 months later still working on trying to fix the relationship

My point is, take as much time as you need to work through this and several months down the road then start thinking about whether or not you want to continue the relationship

[This message edited by WB1340 at 5:14 PM, Tuesday, September 22nd]

The best way I can describe it is I felt absolutely empty inside. 27 years of trust, more than half my life, evaporated in 30 seconds. What made it worse was when I confronted my wife she had zero empathy.

God, do I relate to this. Right down to the same 27 years of history. Only my wife had nothing resembling a "didn't cross any lines" defense. So many lines were crossed there was no defending it. The same zero empathy was there, tho. In fact her words and actions were far harsher and colder than your wife's.

I finally updated my profile and added a condensed version of my d day and the month that followed if you're curious enough to read it. I had a pretty brutal d day.

Funnything, it's been 17 months since my d day and my wife and I are currently working on reconciliation. In answer to one of your questions earlier, yes, I think reconciliation is possible for you and your fiance, but you have a lot of work ahead of you. If I hadn't been married for almost 27 years, a child, and a lot of history together things might have gone a lot differently for me and her after d day, but even after everything I think we have a better than fair shot at healing. She's been busting her ass to make up for it. If I sensed anything less than 100% commitment and effort from her it would have been over by now.

Your fiance does sound pretty remorseful and willing to do what it takes, but it's early days for you still. Pay attention to what he does, not what he says, and see if he's consistent over time. Not that words don't mean anything. They do, but words are cheap and actions speak volumes. Make sure they align.

In the meantime give yourself some grace and time to figure out what you really want. You have a whole life ahead of you. You don't want to waste it with someone you're no longer sure about, so take your time deciding, and make sure this is what you want.

I want to thank everyone here for all your replies. I am new to this website so I'm not necessarily sure how to properly reply to each comment.

I feel much less alone but still so lonely at the same time. My brother was in the room next door when I found the messages and everything blew up. He was a witness to the entire thing. I then told my 2 best friends at the same time that day. So those are the only 3 people in my life that know, other than my therapist.

Later today he is calling his mom and going to tell her everything that he did. I appreciate this. She is a loving woman who has supported us and treated me like family since day one. I think she will be heartbroken because she is a true romantic and cries at the love she sees between us. I'm just so devastated at how much has broken over nothing and that the people closest to us who have witnessed our relationship will be so broken up about this too.

The worst part about this is recognizing the person in front of me is not a bad person but did an "awful person" thing. I can't reconcile it. It is hard to imagine him repeating something like this since it was such a "unique" situation that he would never find himself in again. Maybe I am wrong. He doesn't have coworkers or employees that are women, he doesn't have any friends that are women. He works from home. He doesn't go out anywhere other than with me and my friends or I with his friends. His hobbies are all male-dominated. He really never had or has an opportunity to meet women other than through me, which is also why I always had my guard down. I didn't have any reason to worry... until i became friends with her and watched them interact. This is all not to say that he isn't capable of cheating differently, he has already shown me that he would willingly betray me. It's more than just opportunity, he has to show me and himself in every way he can that he is not the person that did that and he will never be that person again.

He has deleted all his social media and I have all his passwords. He blocked her within seconds of me finding out, no hesitations. He is cancelling all future work trips and if there is a work trip he would like to attend then the condition is that I will be there. Otherwise he will not go. But it really is hard to imagine something like this happening again. The boundaries are there and they're ironclad. An opportunity just wouldn't arise... until it does and then he has to prove our relationship differently. I guess that's just going to have to withstand the test of time if I can even get to a mental place where I am safe and comfortable in this relationship. Which i am not there, whatsoever. All i do is cry and rehash the entire week to him to try and get him to understand how deep the trauma goes from what i saw/heard.

I am also "fortunate" that this wasn't an affair where he developed any feelings, so I know she truly meant nothing to him. It lasted 2 nights and that was it, our relationship broke over 2 nights of attention that was never about me or her. It was just about him.

I think that is also what makes this so devastating is because it was so worthless. Part of me wishes he DID like her, cause at least it was worth it? To ultimately go after her? But that's not the case. Nothing good came out of this, it only destroyed the trust I had for him and potentially ended our relationship. Fucking sad.

Sorry my head is all over the place. I'm clearly going back and forth trying to hope that he would never do it again and also be realistic that he could, cause he has, and he could just do it differently. I wish I wasn't in this position in the first place.

[This message edited by funnything at 8:57 PM, Tuesday, September 22nd]