SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don’t know what I want from writing this, apart from a place to vent, to be heard and understood.

Yet again, I’m trying to talk to my wayward wife and tell her how I’m feeling, only to be shut down. The whole conversation gets turned around, blamed on me, and then ends up being all about her.

It’s getting to a hard part of the year for me, and for the first three years she was there for me and understood. However, things started to change ever so slightly a couple of years ago. I always told my wife that I knew all the signs and I would look out for them. One of the signs was that she started to lose weight.

I have been noticing her losing weight for some time, and I have said this to her directly. After all, this was the first thing I noticed at the start of her affair all those years ago. I started noticing this about 12 months ago. When I used to bring this up, she would reassure me that she isn’t losing weight and has no intention to lose weight as she didn't need to which I agreed. I listened and sort of accepted what she was saying, but I never really believed it.

Fast forward to now. I understand that this could all be because of the time of year we are about to enter. I also understand that I have no right to say what my wife does with her own body. But this isn’t about that. This is about more than that in my head.

Instead of her understanding now, it feels like she is gaslighting me. She is saying that she knows she isn’t losing weight and that’s all that matters. She has basically said that I’m hurting her feelings. She says it’s wrong of me to question her weight when she knows she doesn’t need to lose any. That’s the thing—she doesn’t need to lose any weight, and I’m questioning why she is losing it and for who. She is 100% loosing weight and i have shown her pictures to show this.

She is now saying that I don’t understand how this affects her and that it’s wrong for me to say she is losing weight when she isn’t. She is using phrases like I’m constantly on at her and that I don’t do anything around the house— the exact words she was using last time.

I don’t think she is having another affair, but I do think I’m starting to annoy her more and more. She holds it against me that I’m not further along than I should be after all these years. She knows I’m struggling. I have told her this, and she has left me to deal with it alone. She ignores my cries for help when she can see I’m having an off day. Things have changed in the bedroom. It feels more like she is doing it once a week just to say we are doing something, rather than because she wants to.

Whenever I say how I’m feeling, she turns it around and says, "Well, what about me?" She seems to think that my feelings don’t matter anymore because it’s all about her. She believes I should be past this by now. SHe has used these words.

People say you should talk to your spouse about how you’re feeling. But what do you do when the person you are talking to doesn’t listen, or worse, turns it around so you become the one in the wrong and it becomes all about them?

Don’t get me wrong—if she were here now, she would probably say exactly the same about me. But the fact is, I’m struggling and I need her to listen and understand without judgment or making it about herself. If it wasn’t for the affair, we wouldn’t be where we are now. The way she sees it is that if it wasn’t for me acting the way I am now, we would be past this. Her words are that it’s not her that’s breaking up our family—it’s me, because of how I’m acting now.

It feels like I’m being manipulated and gaslit into questioning myself. Is this really my fault, is she really loosing weight or is it really in my head.

Believe her actions. Time for the 180.

How long ago was d day for you?

Am I right that DDay was 3 ish years ago?

Thing is, no one can be always in the wrong all of the time. Maybe she's losing weight. Maybe she's in an affair again.....and maybe not. What matters most is that you both have to work together.

I often felt like I was gaslighting myself in recovery. If you feel that you're being gaslit, trust but verify. That's ok. Particularly if it is a hard time of year. This is a consequence of an A and working together to recover. IF she's all in, she'll help.

I’m trying to talk to my wayward wife and tell her how I’m feeling, only to be shut down.

She believes I should be past this by now. SHe has used these words.

Healing from severe trauma is a very personal journey and it takes as long as it takes. You could tell her that you're still in the process and if that's a problem for her then it's a serious problem for your relationship going forward. Lay it all on the line.

The scary part is that she's no longer interested, that she's done with you, but will not admit it.

Some wayward spouses do, in fact, run out of patience. They're so eager to put it all in the past that seeing their betrayed spouse continue to struggle is too much for them.

I truly believe that in R the WS has the more difficult road to travel. Perhaps she is simply unable or unwilling to keep on trying.

Whatever the circumstances may be, it might be a good idea to sound her out.

She holds it against me that I’m not further along than I should be after all these years. She knows I’m struggling. I have told her this, and she has left me to deal with it alone. She ignores my cries for help when she can see I’m having an off day. Things have changed in the bedroom. It feels more like she is doing it once a week just to say we are doing something, rather than because she wants to.

I’m sorry, but this is NOT true remorse. This is not reconciliation. This is you staying married, which is your every right as long as she doesn’t leave.

Is this how you want to live out your life?

True reconciliation is a LIFE LONG process. I hope nobody convinced you of the false "2-5 years and then everything’s great!" trope some wheel out.

Bose85,

You are in a tough place.

I don’t know what I want from writing this, apart from a place to vent, to be heard and understood.

I hope you can hear that you have been heard, and that your vent is valid. I agree with others that your wife has a responsibility to hang in there with you and not blame you for your struggling. She did cause this! As is often said here, it takes a betrayed and I’ll add, a wayward, as long as it takes.

However, I make a left turn when it is suggested that a wayward spouse "must" change in a way that the betrayed spouse wants or even needs. It is my belief that both she/he has agency and being a wayward doesn’t change that. The question in my mind is, if she chooses to maintain this path, is it a path you wish to be traveling? If so, can you come to peace with it? Do you want to come to peace with her not being fully there for you? Is it healthy for you? In my mind there is no right or wrong answer. It is about choice, something stolen from you when your wife chose to cheat. I guess the bottom line is do you need to pack your bags, or hers, and walk out the door and close it permanently behind you? I believe answering those questions for yourself will put you in a position of personal power.

I think that the wayward and the betrayed are on two very different journeys and need to work their way through it in their own way and timetable. I do agree that if both parties involved are in full lockstep together the journey is faster and smoother with a better chance of a positive outcome. However, when they are not, that is when the rubber hits the road and big decisions need to be made and then lived with.

I know it may sound as if I’m putting this all back on you, and in a way, I guess I am. But it is in taking back your agency that you regain your power over your situation. However, I maintain that that power should only be asserted over oneself. To assert power over someone else puts everyone on tenuous ground.

None of this is to say that you do not have the right to tell your wife, in no uncertain terms, what you need or want. I believe that is imperative that one does. What I am saying is that when a betrayed spouse does clearly express their needs and the wayward spouse refuses or can’t supply it, then it is decision time.

Infidelity yanks the power away from a spouse. It is a horrible thing for a husband or wife to do to their mate! Take back your power and recognize that, at least for now, you are on this journey alone and is that fact acceptable to you? If so, come to peace with it. Stop fighting against what is, for that is only bringing you suffering. If her way is not acceptable to you, then it may be time to find the door, silently turn the knob, pull it gently open, walk calmly but purposely through it, then lightly close it behind you, and don’t look back.

Asterisk

Bose

I went through your old posts…
I can’t see that you have ever shared the origins of your journey. What sort of affair, how discovered, how ended, what she has done to help you, what you have done…
Basically, the only thing I got was that she has never shared anything with you and does not discuss the affair.

What that leaves me thinking is that she has taken the corpse of the affair and shoved it in a rolled up rug in the corner of your living room. She is now waiting for time to eventually disintegrate the corpse, making the lump in the rug less noticeable and giving you time to adjust having that unsightly rug rolled up in the corner. You on the other hand are affected by the ongoing stench of a rotting affair, and are constantly looking at that rug, wonderig when you two will eventually throw it out.

Nothing will change until you make changes.
That might require accepting this marriage is over. It might require accepting this is over UNLESS your wife starts helping with recovery.